The ultimate inauthenticity

I just saw the first episode of The Voice in China, where a 21 yo obese guy from Sydney gave a really amazing performance and all 4 of the judges turned. 剛看了中國好聲音的一集，有個悉尼的21歲男生唱歐陽菲菲的情歌。他非常肥胖，只聽歌聲的話還不錯。但是他走路的時候感覺沒有氣，肉全撲出來，而且非常不健康。各位評審雖然說聲音好，但是就好像房間裡有個大象但是大家都裝作看不見，而強調他有才華。我覺得很諷刺和刺耳。
我覺得雖然人未必一定要像模特一樣骨感，但是應該把自己保持在最佳狀態，這是對自己的一種尊重，也是對自己的底氣和肯定。令自己有信心和對自己的肯定。要別人愛自己，必須自己先愛自己，也必須是全世界最愛自己的那個。
所有的演員和明星都把自己的狀態保持的最佳，大部分肥了的都是為了角色，之後很快就恢復平時的狀態。
所以我這次的3個月訓練也是一樣，是改變自己人生選擇的轉折點。不是暫時性的節食，而是根本性的對自己人生態度的一種改觀。

Pain and letting go

K called from nyc, in her usual cheerful and infectiously cheerful tone.
I noticed myself enter the immediate (default) envy when she mentioned she struck a good deal at her venture. Then I caught myself, this is such a norm with me, previously was C, that life is unfair for me or I am not getting to flourish in my talent.

Then add onto that my frustration that the weight rebounded despite my sticking to eating congee last night. Well I caught myself again, Rome was not built in one day, but over a period of time. Just like weight wouldn't immediately be gained when I eat one ice cream, but slowly over time. It is only fair that it slowly goes down.

Then I had a breakthrough in the shower: the reason I haven't been so frustrated with the daily weighing exercise is that it is up and down and I am so attached to the result, rather than enjoying the fulfilment knowing I am my word and sticking with my integrity of eating clean, eating lean!

What is my commitment?
To be placid, to be my word. To be 泰山崩于前而色不改。 Since I know I am on the right track, why should I be frustrated with a minor blip?

Trust the process, play the way it is meant to be designed, trust the experts.

BELIEVE!

SELF ESTEEEM!

Q, I acknowledge you for being an amazing human being with infectious energy, laser focus and commitment to be a stand for other person, and a big heart!

I am present to that every positive virtue I am saying, I can automatically counter with a negative aspect.

朝鮮考察1

在朝鮮參加了商務考察團之後的感觸就是回到了30年前的中國。平壤市的建設頗為現代化，民眾的居住大樓很新。城市環境很注重綠化而且一塵不染。遇到的民眾素質頗高，有公德心和路不拾遺。當團友遺失了貴重物品如錢包和智能手機，即使不見了數日，仍然通過熱心市民找回。另外，當旅行團前往板門店（三八線軍事禁區）時，軍官都很友善和親切，很歡迎和遊客合照。羊角島酒店屹立在羊角島上，一個位於市中心的小島，距離平壤國際機場只有15分鐘車程。在酒店的高層可以俯覽鄰近的大同江和平壤全景，景色優美。在我們訪問平壤適逢大型國際摔跤賽事 －由日本參議員主辦，吸引了近20個國家的選手。大批國際媒體如日本電視台和路透社的記者也在羊角島下榻。

把時間留給沈澱

昨晚替牛頓見了一個地產經紀。在去翠華的途中我突然閃過一個念頭。N又沒有來訓練，反而在家煮飯。我突然發覺不時不做這個道理多麼準確。她到了想結婚定下來的年紀，而我還沒有。媽媽一直跟我說要定下來，談談朋友，而我卻老是向鴕鳥一樣把頭塞在沙堆裡。不想，不念，不做，不聽。現在身邊人都差不多結的結，定的定，我還沒有著落，好像自己是外星球派來的一樣。

不要到N的年紀才急了，後悔了。時間不留人。不要抱怨，要向前看。

我在這裡學到了什麼，要沈澱，要吸收，否則只是浪費了的光陰。

Day 1 of 90 days

Since watching the Secret on last Sunday, I have taken nearly a week to instil positivity and orderliness in my life. 

Tuesday saw Josie come to clean, for the first time in more than a year, I had a helper clean the apartment. 

I cleared out a whole large rubbish bag worth of expired food, including expensive organic beans, quinoa and also protein powders. Very wasteful and reminding myself to be FRUGAL and SMART saver, instead of saying do NOT to be wasteful. 

THE SECRET - FOCUS AND VISUALISE ON WHAT YOU WANT. INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. 

Yesterday was a low point in my life

Yesterday was a low point of my life. The bills are piling up, my bank account is less than 5 digits and my best friend and I sat down to discuss why I got myself into such a mess and how I can claw my way back out of the hole.

It was so upsetting. JC opened her notebook, and I remember saying, look I haven't had time to sit down to do the maths. I literally shut the book. She was furious cos of my attitude that I don't really give a crap and am wasting her time. In reality, I was embarrassed, ashamed and annoyed at myself and how I got into this mess. I still can't let go of my "banker" stature and wanted "face" (死要面子, as she put it).

Time to let go of the past. It is like cloud which has floated past already, and it ain't coming back.
面是別人給，架是自己丟。話講的很重，我就像被他媽的打了一拳。但是她講的一點也不錯，自己丟了自己的架。怪不得別人。

我這個人是好了傷疤忘了痛，馬上故態復萌。所以今天開始自己煮飯，出去盡量減少開支。

Be patient - pay off my taxes first, then pay off credit card, have 200k to last me 5 months and then I can definitely take off.

My vision!
Thinking too small, take this company public! I want to be top # in the company. I want to be its spokesperson to media.

忍一時之義氣，享萬代之功名。
我要諾貝爾和平獎！我要令朝鮮開放。我要光宗耀祖，讓好婆驕傲！

Going back to normal job and a dreary life is not what I am committed to! I AM COMMITTED TO FREEDOM, CLARITY, PERSEVERANCE AND UNSTOPPABILITY!

Am I here to make money? Or am I here to solve a problem to a pain?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOVTGyx3ZsY

Quick fixes and anger management

So I had to do an SOS call to JC, on recruitment events etc. When she said things along the lines of you have no idea of what you are doing, i was so agitated and raised my voice. This got me so present to the fact that I react to when people say I have no idea and I am very agitated. Also the fact that people don't give me quick fix solutions but rather try to give me pointers which i have no patience for.

This was interesting insight because later when I had to speak to R for 50 mins at 3am, I really realised my patience improved as I now know the importance of bu dong sheng se.

She has her posture. I need to have mine also.