I have been tormented since last Fri when JC initiated this party at KL's place and I brought out S, whom I have only met once before but have really come to like. JC and I had a quick conversation in the middle of it whereby I established I really like the guy and she said not to worry she never steals other people's guys anyway. Then as the night went on she got more drunk and ended up making out with him. Now the next step is they will go out on a date. Towards the very end my heart was wrenching such that I had to leave and dragging them with me because KL barely knew them and obviously wanted them out while I was gone.
It has been so hard for me because for the past 7 months I have been strongsuiting all the way, being very driven for my purpose and goal (my in order to is so huge that I wanted to be L7 by sept and L8 by next June). I have lost my feminine touch and need to be reminded that I am a woman after all.
We had a completion conversation three times.
First time, after I spoke with Nal, I realised my own fear of rejection. That as soon as I saw them getting cosy, I withdrew myself out of the conversations entirely, indirectly pushing him towards her. WHY? Because I am nothing??? I had a complete conversation that first time because I said I saw flaws in myself and I am taking on being fearless.
Second time, after I spoke with AC, whereby he implanted the seeds that J really is self centred and doesn't have a care for anyone else, I began to see her that way too. Particularly after K says she needs all these validations.
For me, it is particularly hard to be in this situation whereby someone I have come to love, adorn, respect, look up to as my older sister for the past 8 months or more have completely dashed my adornment. Perhaps all along I have chosen to only view her in a positive light, while deliberately ignoring or pretending she doesn't have any flaws of attention seeking that others sometimes resent. Particularly in a group setting where conversations always float towards directions she wants and I just happily drift along. Like a spineless rubber tyre.
Last night, before I left for Syd, we had dinner. It was so difficult for me. Because I had a disdain in my mind, for her, for her ways, for what she had done to me. For, the question I am still continuing to seek answer to - how can you, jie jie, hurt me this way, when you said you will always be here for me and be the shoulder that I can cry on?
I know no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. But the scary thing is, as I pressed for that answer, it sounds like if the thing was to happen all over again, the same thing would have happened again. So clearly being drunk or not does not make the slightest difference.
Which brings me to my sydney trip. With hugs always come thunders. had a tempestuous 2 hours with parents in teh shop whereby they expressed their strong disappointment that I have gained so much weight. I was putting up a weak and pathetic defence that I only focus on one thing at a time and as such was sacrificing my health and weight. Mum wouldn't have any of my bs and just told me flat to my face that making money doesn't make her happy. She is at her happiest when I lose weight and look decent and presentable.
Mahesh very magically posts something about disappointment and expectations. "disappointment comes when we have expectation. Expectation cannot accept what is and expect what it should be. There is no one else to blame except ourselves when we are disappointed. Better it is to accept than to expect.
Disappointment = expectation / reality
1. manage your own expectations
2. learn to accept than to expect
Inhale, breathe in acceptance and
exhale, let go of expectations
Due to my own past, I have very strong desire to have someone there I can rely on, I can count on, I can trust. And due to the past interactions over the 8 months I have come to trust and lean on her a lot, and as a result I have that expectation of her doing what she said she was going to do and for me. But who is to blame for that expectation? There is no one else to blame except myself. I should better manage my own expectations and to accept than to expect.
Give up that need to have people to rely on. Accept that things happen then they happen. Why do I need to have all these expectations? Believe that I have my parents who love me so deeply. The louder and the more tempestuous complaints they have against me, the more they love me.
They can keep on saying they are disappointed and nag, but I will not see it as nag, but relish how deeply loved I am by them.
#1 - if there are people with whom you haven't gotten complete, get complete with at least one other person. Practice recreating what they say as an access to getting complete.
- invent a new possibility for yourself in that relationship that is a victory over the past and enroll that person in your having gotten that possibility
- enroll at least one other person in your having gotten the new possibility you have invented for yourself and your life
#2 - notice how much you do not accept the people in your life; how many stories you have about them. write down what you notice.
#3 - with at least one person, take action to make a difference with them
- make a diff with many more than one person, be unreasonable
- for many of you, the form of making a difference will be to share yourself and invite people to our next session
- whatever your expression is, your assignment is to make a difference with at least one person, or fail to make a difference with someone
What i learned from relationship seminar on mon night. quite useful and perhaps food for thoguht for you too
It has been so hard for me because for the past 7 months I have been strongsuiting all the way, being very driven for my purpose and goal (my in order to is so huge that I wanted to be L7 by sept and L8 by next June). I have lost my feminine touch and need to be reminded that I am a woman after all.
We had a completion conversation three times.
First time, after I spoke with Nal, I realised my own fear of rejection. That as soon as I saw them getting cosy, I withdrew myself out of the conversations entirely, indirectly pushing him towards her. WHY? Because I am nothing??? I had a complete conversation that first time because I said I saw flaws in myself and I am taking on being fearless.
Second time, after I spoke with AC, whereby he implanted the seeds that J really is self centred and doesn't have a care for anyone else, I began to see her that way too. Particularly after K says she needs all these validations.
For me, it is particularly hard to be in this situation whereby someone I have come to love, adorn, respect, look up to as my older sister for the past 8 months or more have completely dashed my adornment. Perhaps all along I have chosen to only view her in a positive light, while deliberately ignoring or pretending she doesn't have any flaws of attention seeking that others sometimes resent. Particularly in a group setting where conversations always float towards directions she wants and I just happily drift along. Like a spineless rubber tyre.
Last night, before I left for Syd, we had dinner. It was so difficult for me. Because I had a disdain in my mind, for her, for her ways, for what she had done to me. For, the question I am still continuing to seek answer to - how can you, jie jie, hurt me this way, when you said you will always be here for me and be the shoulder that I can cry on?
I know no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. But the scary thing is, as I pressed for that answer, it sounds like if the thing was to happen all over again, the same thing would have happened again. So clearly being drunk or not does not make the slightest difference.
Which brings me to my sydney trip. With hugs always come thunders. had a tempestuous 2 hours with parents in teh shop whereby they expressed their strong disappointment that I have gained so much weight. I was putting up a weak and pathetic defence that I only focus on one thing at a time and as such was sacrificing my health and weight. Mum wouldn't have any of my bs and just told me flat to my face that making money doesn't make her happy. She is at her happiest when I lose weight and look decent and presentable.
Mahesh very magically posts something about disappointment and expectations. "disappointment comes when we have expectation. Expectation cannot accept what is and expect what it should be. There is no one else to blame except ourselves when we are disappointed. Better it is to accept than to expect.
Disappointment = expectation / reality
1. manage your own expectations
2. learn to accept than to expect
Inhale, breathe in acceptance and
exhale, let go of expectations
Due to my own past, I have very strong desire to have someone there I can rely on, I can count on, I can trust. And due to the past interactions over the 8 months I have come to trust and lean on her a lot, and as a result I have that expectation of her doing what she said she was going to do and for me. But who is to blame for that expectation? There is no one else to blame except myself. I should better manage my own expectations and to accept than to expect.
Give up that need to have people to rely on. Accept that things happen then they happen. Why do I need to have all these expectations? Believe that I have my parents who love me so deeply. The louder and the more tempestuous complaints they have against me, the more they love me.
They can keep on saying they are disappointed and nag, but I will not see it as nag, but relish how deeply loved I am by them.
#1 - if there are people with whom you haven't gotten complete, get complete with at least one other person. Practice recreating what they say as an access to getting complete.
- invent a new possibility for yourself in that relationship that is a victory over the past and enroll that person in your having gotten that possibility
- enroll at least one other person in your having gotten the new possibility you have invented for yourself and your life
#2 - notice how much you do not accept the people in your life; how many stories you have about them. write down what you notice.
#3 - with at least one person, take action to make a difference with them
- make a diff with many more than one person, be unreasonable
- for many of you, the form of making a difference will be to share yourself and invite people to our next session
- whatever your expression is, your assignment is to make a difference with at least one person, or fail to make a difference with someone
What i learned from relationship seminar on mon night. quite useful and perhaps food for thoguht for you too
in terms of being self expressed and completions, the #1 formula is
1. giving up my point of view
2. share my inauthenticity w the other party - ie what have i been inauthentic about w him / her
3. do it in the context of generating and expressing love/partnership/romance, ie what it is you are committed to creating w him
4. don't do the conversation like dumping all you want to say onto him, but have it as a genuine conversation where you open up, which can also encourage him to do the same.
沒有留言:
張貼留言