Crashed at T's over the weekend and a d&m conversation with both G and T led me to really think deeply about my inhibitions and inability to get into a relationship. I kept on plodding and thinking and finally located the source, which appears to be my resentment for father's 'weakness' as I perceived. I was a jerk and kept on asking him whether he loved me and why he didn't show enough of it if he did. I no doubt know he cares for me a lot, but can't help but feel like sometimes he is so passive and values money much more than me (tuition costs that mother had to take a second job to pay for). Then when later mother got on the phone, she made it clear that HE WAS THE ONE who bought my first piano and my first ever computer (the old one in 1998). Also, he was the one who would go out of his way while on vacation to help me fix the sink etc. So I am very thankful. Grateful and Appreciative. I promised him that I will no longer take sides but rather, really love him wholeheartedly as I should.
Also A came over and we really talked, the depth of which we have never spoken before. It's amazing, the level of frankness in our conversation. Through that I saw that I was too insecure and prude to make anything out of anything by scaring guys away too prematurely. Also it is now clear that he was never interested in more than casual-ness. Guys are just like that, a bit of fun and not much else.
Had an argument with C yday, cos she thinks im not willing to help her, just like the old times when i was jealous of her achievements. however yesterday what i said was i have to go meet A in 10 minutes. i did not have any natural attitude of pushing back. but she was very emotional which i don't blame her. i 'm much more at ease now cos i don't feel like the need to please other ppl and get them to like me. She shouted at me for not helping her due to a misunderstanding. in the past i would really try to bend over backward to make her see that i really want to help her and its' misunderstanding. now, after i explained numerous times and she wouldn't listen, i let it rest, cos what happened is what happened. i don't need to make it mean about i'm not good enough or being rejected by her.
Also A came over and we really talked, the depth of which we have never spoken before. It's amazing, the level of frankness in our conversation. Through that I saw that I was too insecure and prude to make anything out of anything by scaring guys away too prematurely. Also it is now clear that he was never interested in more than casual-ness. Guys are just like that, a bit of fun and not much else.
Had an argument with C yday, cos she thinks im not willing to help her, just like the old times when i was jealous of her achievements. however yesterday what i said was i have to go meet A in 10 minutes. i did not have any natural attitude of pushing back. but she was very emotional which i don't blame her. i 'm much more at ease now cos i don't feel like the need to please other ppl and get them to like me. She shouted at me for not helping her due to a misunderstanding. in the past i would really try to bend over backward to make her see that i really want to help her and its' misunderstanding. now, after i explained numerous times and she wouldn't listen, i let it rest, cos what happened is what happened. i don't need to make it mean about i'm not good enough or being rejected by her.
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