Happy holidays! Finished detox! Life is awesome!

Went to dinner with K and her friends from Shanghai last night. I really enjoy hanging out with her, because we are pretty much in the same Landmark channel, I understand where she is coming from, and she gets me too. Also, she's not afraid to tell me what's what, if there's an improvement, she will say it so I actually feel empowered and see progress which I otherwise may not have seen. It's funny how a small thing someone else says makes you feel so good. That's what happened last night when her friend say she noticed my skin was glowing when I entered the restaurant. I was so happy! Think it's not so simple as the diet, but also exercise, and general mental peace of mind, I'm just so incredibly happy and fulfilled these days. And I guess it shows. I'm inspired to similarly be so kind to other people, if it's good, tell it cos I mean it.

After I ate quite a bit of meat (and feeling remorseful for it), I got up at 6am today and ran down from home to Pure in IFC, carrying the brick of a backpack, including but not limited to my dictionary, work clothes, water etc. I hesitated a bit whether to 'cheat' and not bring the dictionary cos 'no one would know'. Sure enough, but I will. And I'd be lying to myself. So as a result, I ran, and carried all that stuff on me as a reminder to myself to remember next time. And do what must be done, or suffer the consequences.

Feeling empowered today! Want to get all the charts done and get out of here on time for class. Organised a team lunch with 25 people, with efficiency and no feeling that 'I'm doing all the work'. Standing up just feels so natural, rather than 'I'm trying to hard to shine'.

I'm quite determined to keep this detox thing going on continuously. I want to be spiritual, be wholesome and fulfilled. That starts with enlightenment and being 'physically light'. Having all that meat in my stomach last night certainly feels heavy and cumbersome.

I'm excited about Tokyo but at the same time I'm very aware that I want to be reasonable about the portions and the type of things I put in my body. My body is a temple, and a shrine. It deserves care and worship.

I'm excited about being with C, not fighting, not partying, just being. I want to really understand her, listen to her, and not putting my judgments, preconceptions and ways of 'fixing' to impose on her. She is perfect the way she is. She is perfect the way she is. Times that by 10. I will stop trying to 'fix' her, but just be with her. And hug her. And care for her.

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The homework - finding people I don't like
This week's homework involves finding 2 people I don't like and find out more about them, and then realise how my opinions and judgments weigh in. It's amazing, this exercise, because in the process of me trying to find people to 'target' and complete my homework, I realise that I don't like so many people! Yet all this time, I've been priding myself in being a friendly, loving and caring friend! It's funny how easily I form my opinions and judgments. I had a coffee w M yesterday, someone I thought I didn't like because of the way he handled certain things and I viewed him as 'betrayed' me. Yet when I saw him again, I remembered how I enjoyed his company. So at the end of meeting him I decided to just let my internal thoughts and these little conversations go.

Then at work there are certain people I don't like either, stressed out people, negative people, people I perceive as 'difficult' because they don't smile enough, because they don't answer my chirpy and happy 'how are you?!'. Omg I'm such a judgmental b**** haha! Time to let all that go and imagine that when I dislike them, it means I *ENJOY* their company!

Fake it til I make it!

Empowered and determined! (2nd word slightly shaky, lol)

Had dinner with L last night and I felt very happy and empowered afterwards. She said she was starting to 'get' why I put up all these repetitive status updates about 'being 10x excited' or 'fake it til I feel it'. And that my "cheeriness" was quite infectious. To be honest, it was a HUGE encouragement.

For some reason being able to 'complete' this conversation with her has been a burden at the back of my mind all this time. All along, in the last few years in HK, winning her 'approval' has always been very important to me. To me she's always been the perfect specimen of a female being, the looks, intelligence, kindness, feminimity, even 'funny-ness' in a feminine kind of way, someone I've always looked up to. I've been this dorky TB who's looked up to her with my starry eyes all this time. Probably carried it with me since high school, that damn high UAI that she got haha. At that point, I made up a story about L that 'everything about L is so perfect and winning her approval is extremely difficult' and I was very scared to face her judgement. For god's sake, it took me ages even to decide whether to tag her on that facebook share about free hugs day. That's how 'severe' my mental hindrance to winning her approval was.

Yet last night, I saw a different side of her, more humane, more down to earth. She actually hasn't changed at all, but it's my perspective that has shifted. I had this blindspot to her more humane side all this time. Her strong suit is she's 'too nice' and as a result have trouble saying no to people. The exact same problem I had and still to some extent have. I though, feel very empowered to know that the option to say no is there, without the fear of looking bad or other people's judgment. Because the freedom of expression is of utmost importance. I was happy to be able to give some thoughts and advice to her on that.

And it was so powerful to know that keeping faith in doing what I'm doing and generating positivity really works. Keep on doing what you are doing Q. It works!

--
Get on the court
On a separate note, I got more present to my problem of dragging my feet. Seeing P's video with T made me quite down and resent myself, as I had to confront the reality that I have been on the sidelines all this time, instead of being on the court. I do come across great ideas, then am either stopped by 'oh there are people who do that already', or 'market too small', or 'i'm scared', or 'i'm not entrepreneurial enough to do anything successful'. All very good 'reasons', all very good 'bullshit'! From hereon, when I see something promising, I'm gonna continue to inquire into it, rather than OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND.

Start before I have perfected
Another issue i've always had to wrestle with is 'do everything perfect' before I even start. I remember suffering late assignment hand-in for a flamenco project in music in year 8 because I wanted to 'ensure everything was perfect'. It's stuck with me ever since. Banking sort of got me to start ppt even when I don't yet have all the information, but it didn't help in any other facets of my life. From hereon, I'm going to start dipping my toes in the water, before 'I have collected all the knowledge I can possibly collect'.

Try it on. Shoot first, think later. F*** being scared.

Day 9 of detox, not so 10x excited

Booked hotel in Tokyo yesterday, was excited only momentarily. Then got present to the fact that I have been so inefficient at work and lacked concentration, big time! A big issue has been that a lot of my efforts have been wasted because that's not how the boss wants it, or I haven't clarified with him enough to really get the crux of it.

So what to do going forward?
1. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS
2. Keep on asking questions until everything is crystal clear, understand why he is asking for things in a certain way, that way, I can understand what is important to him
3. Keep him in the loop as to where I am in the progress

Back to the trip. It's good to spend some time with C as we haven't really got present to each other's company. In fact, even when we speak sometimes, I get not so much intimidated, but disturbed by her voice, the tone and the pace, all in much haste and make me uncomfortable. Something I really want to get to is her habit of throwing cotton tips everywhere. I mean, it bothered me before, a lot, and then I decided to turn a blind eye, when really, it does bother me. I mean, I'm not her mother, but this is a shared space between the two of us, and it would be decent if we could keep that to miminum.

Having said that, I am very messy myself, so need to change, and not put everything everywhere, as I usually do on trips. One must do things correctly oneself before showing others the way it should be done.

These are the resolutions of today. I will be authentic, upfront, subtle but firm.
Focused, concentrated, powering on as I do.

PB put a video with the ceo of that company I introduced him to. The speed at which he did this was impressive, I only introduced them in mid Aug. And now a few weeks later the video is up and running. This reveals yet another problem of mine, I see opportunities and ideas yet don't follow up on them and they slip through my fingers as a result. I need to focus and really get present to what it is I want.

I'm in so much angst right now. I'm so frustrated with myself. Why did I only know to play computer games in uni?? All these two extra years I piled on with a law degree - I should've done something with it!! It's now 7 years ago!

I'm sick of regret. I'm going to do!!

I don't usually do this but um...

International random huggers day - 22 sept, 2012

Weird, crazy, strange as it seems to do this, even to the me from one year ago, I was left truly empowered by this experience. There simply isn't enough love and energy out there, and I write this to commemorate this little day I baby stepped outside of my comfort zone. For, everything I want is outside of my comfort zone. So I want to change, transform, and pass on the energy.

So this day was started from 10 years ago in London and has expanded globally.

Yesterday, about 13 of us went around central to give free hugs, and a free sticker afterwards.

I hugged about 70-80 people after 2.5 hours.

In the beginning I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable when many people saw us from afar and walked away, while my buddy the crazy German dude Frank was highly energetic and unflappable. I was mentally hindered. After 20 minutes I thought ok I've had enough of this "I'm scared of looking bad when people reject me" and stormed off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes in the IFC bathroom practicing my smile (yes sure there were people lining up looking at me weird but i was pretty oblivious and determined to do this 'right') during which my buddy was no doubt wondering what on earth I was doing. I felt energized, and positively ready to go.

First stop, Pret in IFC. This one I shall call Rock the House Hugs - I was paying for the juices when the HK shop assistant behind the pret counter was looking at my tee shirt. I proceeded to give him a hug across the counter after I offered and he said sure. Then the others behind the counter also wanted hugs. So Frank and I went around the side and gave hugs to a few more Pret staff who all came out of the counter area. Energy in the whole shop was lifted just in that instant. No doubt the customers were wondering what on earth was going on. ;)

Soon afterwards we were kicked out of IFC onto the IFC walkway for we were 'doing some promotional activities' whatever that means, followed by some interesting observations:

The overwhelming realisation F and I got were that people are so unrelated to and scared of each other. So many people strutted around wearing earphones, I must admit I'm usually a culprit myself, although truth be told in noisy Central or pretty much anywhere in urban HK how clearly you can hear whatever it is you are listening to, is anyone's guess.
- Some people don't hear you properly and automatically walk away and say no no. I'm just like that on the weekends I must admit. Time to let that fear of relating to people go, I told myself.
- People (myself included) are so sceptical and cynical and automatically suspect everything is fishy that we want no part of - "how much you want" we got asked a few times even when we assured them it was all free
- Some people say "I'm fine" thanks I don't need a hug. You see that word I have come to resent in past few months. In fact I get angry when I hear it. Fine. Life's not great, not extraordinary, but 'fine'. Complacency? Dream big, dream extraordinary, dream weird even, don't ever settle for fine. Cos fine, is what stops you from being great, from being extraordinary
- Surprisingly westerners we encountered yesterday were more scared of us vs hong kongers and most hurried along or avoided us like a plague. No worries, after this and LF transformation I've come to realise there is no need to take things personally, EVER.
- Sometimes people make anything up to get out of situations they fear of - I was most amused by an older Hong Kong man who I approached with my very broken Canto - today's free hugs day, would you like a free hug? He said no no I don't know. I pressed on and said "really? but do you know how to hug?" He said no no I don't know as he hurried away. Lol

Then there were some funny ones:
- Most Hong kong guys only want same gender hugs (ditto for their girlfriends or wives), as a result I got to hug my disproportionately high amount of female counterparts haha, as the boyfriends/hubbies no doubt didn't want their partners 'harrassed' by a "weird looking" German
- I learned how to switch channels very rapidly between mando canto and English, sometimes the other person spoke 'I don't know' in mandarin in which case I had to switch rapidly. We managed to capture some 'extra business' from many mainland tourists and some photo opps which Freaking Funny Frank needed some of my language ability to generate (*grin* with a proud look)
- Right in the middle of Queen's Road Central, when some People (mostly girls, and from out of town) would gush aww it's random huggers day. And here I truly need to thank my piano teacher for those sensitive ears where I'd do a swift turn and skipped and hopped towards them and jumped while I shouted tadaaaaa! yes would you like a free hug? Yes! You do I know it! And we hugged and it was happily ever after.
- Some of the people were so stiff and paralysed when I hugged them, as if they were about to be hugged by a vampire. (O.o I promise I'm not, rahhhh)
- Some volunteered their little kids who were pretty lost as to what was going on and just extended their arms and stood there as I bent down to hug them. So cute. Sniff.

And then there were moments that left me truly moved, touched and inspired.
The pregnant lady - So in the middle of QRC I saw hordes of people (about 20-30) walking towards me all at once and I approached an Asian woman who was about 5-6 months pregnant. I said, it's free hugs day today, would you like a free hug? She said yeah why not and we had a big hearty hug. I then hugged her husband next. He then said you know you actually hugged two people just now, including the little one in her belly. I was very moved, touched and inspired. (*teary*)

There was also a gweilo couple - I hugged the woman first, and then the man said he didn't need a hug as he then proceeded to hug his lady. Arghhhh how sweet was that?!

My partner in crime and I managed to expand our repertoire by the end of that.
Security guards
Ladies holding the signages pointing to shops
Flyer distributors
Real estate agents
Elderly ladies collecting donations
Tourists (Korean/Filippino/Taiwan/China/America)
Helpers, in fact all of Statue Square had a sticker thanks to efforts of our awesome crew

People who I never used to pay attention to, or avoid even. Yet, these are the exact people who make this city function properly.
It just felt so truly liberating to do things just cos. No agenda, no catch, but just to give, and not expecting anything in return. The energy of abundance really works - the more you give, the more you get and the more you have.

Personally it has somewhat helped me overcome my inability to look at people while I speak to them. And really to be with them. Sometimes people hesitate and when you persist, they end up giving the warmest hugs. You just never know.

Everything you want is outside your comfort zone. For that one tiny step outside of my comfort zone yesterday, I got so much. I learned so much. About myself and about the world. And the truly amazing people I was with, you guys made all of this possible. I thank you with all my heart. Namaste.

W3D4 - It's a new day!!

The most powerful breakthrough yet. And how I'm going to get my family C back...

I woke up at 5am to make the detox breakfast. I switched on that audio book the "Four Agreements", and as I thought more about it, I became so empowered about where I'd went wrong and how I can improve.

Now I really understand when at the phone assist on Tue night, Sunny the IL said, "it's not her, but who she is being to you". I now really realised, actually this very second, and 10 seconds before it, it's really not C, or her being busy and not hanging out with me. BUT who or what she represents to me. Who she represents is another person who is leaving me, leaving me behind, or will eventually leave me. The scene of my mother leaving Shanghai airport when I was 7 years old, I can't even recall the scene or what happened on that day, but I think the emotional scar it has left me, is just overwhelmingly devastating. As Dr B once diagnosed me, something that happened when I was 7 years old, I think innately it just kind of never healed. Even now as my relationship with mother and father flourish after my new transformation. As a result, when something or someone really good or close to me comes, I just need the safety and security to really hold onto it. In fact, to wrangle it and never let it go. And the other person just feel suffocated. In the process, I am so devoted and give it my all. But instead of the mentality I should maintain which is to not expect anything in return, and give only because I choose to, the mentality I have instead is to do anything but to let it go or do anything to prevent it from going. As a result, I perceive the fact that C is too busy with work, as a invalidation of myself, that she is "LEAVING ME BEHIND", again. Just like my mother did when I was 7 years old. My nose stuck agains the window, fingers and entire hands pressed against the window feeling extremely helpless and sad.

Now that I can see this, I'm ready to let it go. And set myself and C free. It's an extremely powerful breakthrough for me. How to execute it in reality? Just like how I changed my way of listening and communicating with my mother. Realising that inherently there is nothing wrong with me, and people DON'T JUST LEAVE ME for no reason. That way, I have the peace of mind and mindset to be able to let it be. Previously I felt insecure and 'left behind' when C hired a new coach. The moment I saw that sms she sent me back in Jun, I just felt so crushed. I felt like, why is it that, after all these years of me helping her (of course it was a misconception because our friendship was always both ways, in that she helped me as much as I helped her), she still LEFT ME BEHIND? She used to need me for English / editing / counseling, but not anymore. She used to need me for speech coaching, but not anymore. This whole time I had the mental barrier that "I am being used" and give her an attitude which she resents, because I felt like I am not good enough. Not good enough for her to just want to hang out with me for me, but rather, she will take from me what she wants and eventually leave me like my mother. I am so afraid that one day she, just like mother, will leave me, when she no longer needed me.

I think human behavior is very strange and the cycle of self fulfilling really is so significant. In June when I volunteered at the Landmark Forum, I thought my biggest fear in life is alone. Actually, it's not. My biggest fear in life is to be LEFT BEHIND. Back in May I shut down and kept people away when I lost my job as part of the merger and stopped attending any social engagements that I committed to going.

Now I see that over the past year with C, I was so afraid that she was going to leave me behind eventually that, I feel agitated, and resented when she came to me for help, because I felt like 'she was taking what she needs and she will leave'. This of course drove her away because no one wants to deal with this kind of attitude, and certainly not her being, which is to be 'tough and strong and take no sh*t from nobody' haha. This led her to getting her own coach and made me even more insecure. And the vicious downward cycle goes down this way.

Actually I am so excited this very moment, because I'm enlightened, empowered and READY TO BE REBORN AGAIN! Free, feeling loved and secure, and never will I be left behind again! Now with that peace of mind, I'm ready to love and care for those I love and not be hindered by this thought at the back of my mind that they will leave me one day. I choose to help because I choose to help. Not because I want to help so that they will love me and not leave me.

----
On the other hand, speaking of detox, I went to colon hydrotherapy, boy was it a challenge. Clearly not used to that side of the action, took forever and stomach was not very comfortable from then until the entire afternoon. But I do feel a bit lighter and tummy is now softer than before.

Racket day, oh how down do i feel

Day 3 of vegan detox and the fact that weight this morning is down 1.5kg from sunday night, I didn't even feel anything. No joy. Apathy. Mostly because I was in so much angst last night which lasted til today. Right even this moment, although as I am listening to Beyonce's "I was here" performance at the UN, my mentality is starting to shift again.

I introduced T to C yesterday since they work in the same firm and sometimes work with each other. After the 15 min chat they had (half of which C went away to take a phone call which slightly annoyed me already because it just confirmed my 'story' that 'she is never present in any conversations with me or any effort by me'), I had about 10 mins left to chat with C after T went back to work. To me, I had a rushed day full of stuff to do before I had to leave work for phone assist. But I was very keen for T and C to meet each other before T jets off for 2 wks in New York.

Now, for the last 10 mins we had left, C whipped out her blackberry again. Asking me again to edit a subject line for her. My immediate reaction was "what the fuck"! Ok I overreacted. From my perspective, why is it that you never want to hang out with me just for the sake of being with me?! Why does your work have to intrude on everything we do? I initially thought whether it was my fault to pack stuff in when I know I'm under deadline and as a result I was irritated? Then I dug a bit deeper in my thoughts. This stuff has brewing between us two. The tension. Over the past year since she started at this new firm. Yet both of us have never had proper conversations to close and move on to renewed, energised conversations. Instead, we've been piling on more and more of our emotions on top of an already shaky foundation. Yesterday it finally collapsed when she emailed me and said whenever she asks for my help I always give her attitude and she will never never ask for my help again, all in caps. Now, I was slightly bothered by it when I saw it in the middle of phone assist.

Then, the real bomb was dropped. After phone assist, GJ told me some of the complaints she has had against me. She had a coaching session on Sun with her shanghai coach. Yet yesterday afternoon she clearly lied to me when she said she didn't use a coach that weekend and as such she needs help from me this weekend. Also the club house pass thing, that I "was asking too much". To me, if E who was a guy you are not even interested in, could give you a pass, why can't you give me one? Your so called 'family'. Laughable title. Well fine, this is a story I made up that, just cos E could give you, you could give me. But why can't you just be honest with me and say stop asking, it's too difficult to obtain? Rather than give me the bs about having to pay extra 5k/month. I really don't understand.

I know I used to accuse a lot. But I don't anymore. Maybe you are still holding onto the story that I do. And in the face of confrontations, you just run. You just lie. To me, the really sad part is I used to be able to take your word for anything. "You know I would never lie to you." And I really leave it at that. I've stopped. My ears can't bear words out of your mouth without doubts and suspicions. I don't know when it started, but I surely know callouses have formed around my heart. And I certainly don't care as much. My sky used to fall apart and my heart shattered when an email like yesterday came from you, yesterday I was still shattered, but not to the same degree.

I used to weave this story that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. My whole 20+ years of being. And I think even up til 2010 I used to think if there was an accident that happened, I would really give up my life for you. That's it, in this whole world, my mother, my father, and then you. But now? I really can't do that. I can't even go on a trip with you, one for budgetary concerns as I want to save up to pay for parents' mortgage, and two, I don't know how to be with you. Every time we are together, there's nothing else to talk about apart from your work. And whenever I am with you, you are never present to our conversations. Your head is always embroiled in work, clients.

I feel that you have become this alien person, so alien, so distant, so apathetic. All you have emotions for is work, clients. I'm not sure what else in your life matters. Maybe the boyfriend. And that's really it. I looked back to sms conversations since Jun/Jul. Yes you did invite me 3 times, to which I turned down each time, and without courage to say the real reason, I made an excuse each time that I'm busy or occupied. But the real reason is, each one of those times, it was an outing with your client, or your colleague. Why can't we have some one-one time? I am screaming and crawling to yank the C Z out of that glamazombie shell of yours now, the very soul and being that I used to be willing to die for? Now, all I can do is cry and weep and wonder why I have to cry til I laugh, and not the other way around?????!!!!!!!

Then, I started listening to Beyonce's performance at the UN, "I was here". And I really got present to my emotions and my perspectives from 3 years ago. Something I have forgotten and buried somewhere very very deep in my heart.

THAT I GAVE MY ALL, DID MY BEST, BROUGHT SOMEONE SOME HAPPINESS. THIS WORLD IS A LITTLE BETTER BECAUSE.. I WAS HERE.

I WAS HERE.

You are THAT someone. You meant the whole world to me. I want you to mean the whole world to me again. But I really don't want to feel betrayed. And on some levels, I am no longer as wide eyed as I used to be, about utter selflessness. I need some sort of reciprocity. Even 1%. I know this 1% concept is flawed because everyone judges 1% to mean different things. Yes I will stop accusing and stop reacting.

I just really hope we can work it out. I know I will give it my all to resurrect this. I really will. I promise.

Week 3 Day 1 - dramatic 3 days

Lots of dramas on fri night and over the weekend but at the same time, lots of realisations as well. First, there's the email chain drama to which there was another angry email from him, I initially thought about enrolling him into giving up the he is right, other people are wrong. Then I decided I cannot be bothered. Maybe I will do it when I am more skilled at this, right this moment it's simply not worth my time.

Then there was a lengthy discussion w N, to which she made me aware that I was giving her too much pressure about this. After discussion w Coach B yday, I realised I am too attached to her getting what I got out of, and forgot the flow of 'as is'. I do my best and let her flow the way she wants to. When I converse with them, I am the one speaking for lengthy time, rather than giving the other party a chance to speak. So what I've learned is

1. shut up, ask questions and listen more. Listen intently. If you don't know what the problem is, how do you find the relief?
2. give up the thinking of 'right / wrong, should/should not'. As is, let it be. My friends' lives would be perfect even if they don't do landmark forum. Be committed, but not too attached.
3. keep on sharing, don't take it personally. if I take it personally and give it all up, then that fulfills exactly why N said she didn't want to confront B cos people she cared for would be angry or resigned.

A major breakthrough for me yesterday was when mother told me she finally started applying the distinction I shared with her, about not taking things personally and sticking to facts by ridding of her own interpretations when analysing a situation. She said she was able to do that and speak with my father about something he did in 1990 when he gave a wooden chest and her pair of red boots to his side of the family, rather than her older sister who was looking after me, as she told him to do. Dad still tried to avoid the conversation by going off to work. However one hour later he called her to fess up, the conversation almost brought tears to my eyes.
He asked: do you know why i'm working so hard these days?
She: no i don't
He: because I want to make up for the wrongs I have done at an age when I was immature.

She was left very touched, moved and inspired. So was I. So this thing really works and as I encouraged K, all these things take time, and we need to make sure we 'really get it', before we can make sure 'everybody else gets it'.

As a result, today, I am 10x excited, inspired and ready to inspire!
BE AN INTENTIONAL LISTENER, PASSIONATE BUT WITHOUT ZEAL. COMMITTED BUT NOT ATTACHED. SELFLESS BUT NOT TAKING IT PERSONAL.




 

Happy Friday ~ 3rd Friday!

Finally called Mr A out to have the conversation with him, as part of the homework to have all the completeness conversations. It's been a while coming, but even til the last 30 mins I wasn't sure if it was even necessary. It's funny, I thought I no longer liked him and could move on, and this conversation was not necessary. But after we actually spoke, I felt happy, liberated (albeit mildly) and definitely ready to move on. The Tao of Dating's author was definitely right in saying that we back justify our own decisions. The moment I saw A again, I was like, crap what the hell was I thinking? The new being that I made was this feminine and professional being so obviously that entailed wearing heels all the way to drinks. And he was exactly 3" shorter than me as a result which was fine on the trip cos I was on flip flops the whole time. But then height is not a major issue, other things that bother me a lot is career and just the general knowledge about different things. Just not the ideal kind of man I want to be with. As I really get present to the conversation with myself about why I wanted to be with him, I think it was more the fact I wanted to be with SOMEONE, and his chirpiness and positivity were both drawing factors. But as you know a person more, you grow but also see the discrepancies of that person to your expectations.

Anyways I told him I felt hurt and frustrated by his persistent oral defensive mechanism of "I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to do anything you don't want to do" yet his behavior dictates the direct opposite, persistently, well during that month that things unraveled. I told him I feel like he was inauthentic, but now I wanted the conversation because I have moved on but just want closure and completeness at that. Took him a while to get present to what I was saying and to be honest I give him credit for owning up, but eventually he did and said he gave in to 'temptations, as all guys would do". He's probably right, I was a bit naive and unclear about what exactly I wanted. Lesson learned and I came out with such clear vision and a stronger rational person. The lesson is, if you are not clear about what you want, and if you don't make a stand for yourself, no one will.

One little secret was that as we sat very close to each other on the bar stools I had a sudden urge to kiss him. More animalistic than I am after him. I let that go cos after all, my own sense of esteem and dignity was worth quite some more to me. I don't know if it's my racket, that I need to maintain my pride and the past burned scars I had left on my heart from Q. It could very well be. Maybe he's yet another I need to call and complete with.

After the hour long chat I moved on to run. Stomach felt a bit sick initially probably from the juices and salads I had throughout the day. But I powered on, though at slower pace of 8.5k/hr. Wrapped up 20 mins, totalled around 3k. Messaged J this morning, telling her my grand plan of finishing 10k in under 65mins. She's big supporter as usual, and I promised to start going to her boot camp soon.

Now, the conversation with my dad this morning. Amusing as usual. So I called him as I was waiting for the cross tunnel bus. He got nervous thinking I called him must be because of some emergency. I reassured him that my new being will make it a point to call them more frequently, even if I have nothing to say, but just to show that I care. Haha. Then I got on the bus and we started speaking about my plan to train and transformation, we got so excited about my transformation that I didn't get off at my stop. Then I started getting annoyed and agitated as the bus continued on to unknown parts of Kowloon. And dad continued talking about our holiday plans and I got agitated and snapped saying 'cmon dad get to the point'. The details are not important, but the point is, I snapped. Although miraculously I got present to my emotions very quickly, almost the second after it blurted out of my mouth.

I got present to the fact that I let my emotions and frustrations elsewhere take over my conscious mind, and I got distracted from our conversation, ie I'm no longer present. I use an excuse elsewhere to let the person with whom I'm having a conversation with, have to bear what I said. The course has made me much more present to my emotions and haul the snapping and emotional turbulence much more easily.

W2D3 - post 6 guest saga

So last night was the big night by Aljor who flew in from Manila. I had 6 guests turning up, all of whom I care a lot about. One registered while the other five did not for various reasons, two had to leave early for con call, two came late cos of work while the fifth left a bit early cos she gets up early the next day. Yet instead of my original self who would react and be frustrated, I was perfectly calm and very appreciative that these 5 friends of mine were open minded enough to turn up in the first place, especially when some of them only came for one hour and had to go back to the office. So the point is, they need more time / information / sharing from other graduates they deem more resonant with them, then give them time. Keep on inviting them to return.

Lady A signed up yesterday, much as I expected, I was very happy nonetheless! The fact that she said she wanted to register the first time I shared with her, left me touched and inspired. Sunny says I'm enrolling. So I will be exactly that. Aim high, then I will get there.

And I realised just because my breakthroughs don't resonate as much with my friends, doesn't mean i can't ask for help from fellow graduates. As a result, I'm organising for M the Magnificent head coach to meet with P tomorrow and myself, and share the story with her father which is a similar situation with P. Also with D, who came to a session previously, can speak with J, who's an entrepreneur and has since set up her own sailing boat company since March forum.

Here's the email I wrote to some friends, kind of like my first 'mass sharing': L is doubtful as usual, but I've now come to accept her as my 'sanity check', ie her acceptance will be the baseline situation.
---
So a lot of you may have heard me talk about this life coaching thing I took on recently that's transformed me in so many facets of my life and made me so extremely happy and energetic, and move ALIVE THAN EVER, here's a lil something I wanted to share w you.

9am, the most senior guy on the floor (aka my boss's boss) walks past, i was grinning and said "happy wednesday Jim! I'm excited!" and waved my arms
He goes: why you excited about wed?
I said: why not?!
He's like: yeah i guess so, while walking away

Haha. Not needing a reason to be happy is liberating. So is making a choice just so, not because i need an agenda.

On that note, have a brilliant Wed afternoon!

Smile! JUST COS YOU SMILE!
---

Second email to C, my bestie and the headache of my life sometimes yet i love her so dearly. haha. Getting her to register would be the BIGGEST breakthrough of my life i believe.

Subject: C - since i'm not getting response from u due to whatever / internet reason...
i'm spamming you ..

i signed up for the 10k run with my ILP buddy as mentioned to you before. today i lasted 20 mins run, i know i know very easy for other ppl, a bit of a breakthrough for me cos my whole life longest i've ran continuously is 10 mins, on this monday. haha.

out the window goes the self limiting thoughts i took as 'truths'. aka it's not possible. (does that sound familiar re you can't quit smoking haha)
chk my whatsapp msg. gj and i are both transforming. GJ has been awesome in being smokeless for last 4 days!!
i'm targeting to finish 10k run in 60 mins by feb. this will be bloody awesome. QY the AWESOME.
i hope you are coming along this awesome ride with us.
what say you?

Week 2 day 2, 6 guests tonight! LET'S GET PUMPED!

Created the possibility of running a 10km run with my ILP buddy T - went for a first time to pure soho last night around 11pm after the massive fail by Studio Danz to cancel the high heel class. Only ran about 10mins before feeling queasy from the overstuffed vege dinner.

Mini breakdown w N when I was trying to share w her about coming to Landmark. My read on it is that she interprets going to life coaching as a sign of admitting weakness. "every conversation with people, yourself included, makes me grow as a person". That's a fair enough comment, HOWEVER, even Tiger Woods, who was once the world's most illustruous golfer, needed a coach at his prime. What does that tell us? Is admitting that there is a possibility that I may need help really a sign of weakness? And even if I admit I am 'weak', what does that really mean? Admitting vulnerability. Right, so we don't want to look bad. Got that, completely. But since when is it okay to tiptoe around the audience stand while witnessing others take action to make their own lives better? IS THIS REALLY OKAY? WHY IS THIS ACCEPTABLE?

And even if I don't want to admit I am 'weak', where does that get me? Looking good? Hell yeah! I'll look awesome and fabulous! But where? In the stand, on the sideline. That's right. I'd rather be on the court playing the game, after I let go of this little idiosyncrasy called looking good.

Sometimes, the ability to admit one's own weakness is a sign of strength.

Finally, 6 guests tonight! I'm playing for the big game of registering 4!

Day 5 - HAPPY BLACK FRIDAY!

Just had the morning call w my buddy T again. It was enjoyable and enlightening as usual. A few things:
What worked since yesterday? Went to gym at lunch, felt energetic throughout the whole afternoon when I'd usually be dozing off.
What didn't work? Took way too long though, need to cut work out time shorter, as traffic alone took 40 mins.
Called J who was in bangkok trying to enrol her, there's potential there. I'm glad I don't feel demotivated because people are busy or need to get back to me. The fact / interpretation distinction works well here on me.
Went out w sales guys and built good relationship. Very ad hoc event but I really realised the way to touch people's heart is to really engage and know what they are interested in, you go from there and bob's your uncle. And you may even gain a friend, I choose the word friend over ally as the latter makes it sound too much like a battlefield. So it really involves, be relaxed / light hearted, get present to conversations and listen with intentionality and see what they need. Then you go offer them something without a hope of getting something in return.
Missed the detox intro as a result but I will go next sat instead and really aim to kick it started by then. 9 days! shakes each day! ie extra 30 mins each day to make the shakes! huge commitment but let's see how we go! I'm determined to make it happen.

Also, something quite fun was I reached out to TZ, the legendary girlfriend who's so driven in fitness that she's applying to pass the PT test. Funny how a simple 5 min whatsapp conversation you can find out so much about what people are up to in their lives. Well when she actually passes it, I aim to have sessions with her, why not help a friend out when they start out? Everyone needs a bit of support when they can. Plus, she's got proven track record on getting fit herself anyway. =)

Possibilities for today:
- gym during lunch
- blood donation
- concentrate and get things done before the weekend
- focus on who i am being - no shortcuts, but really present to what it is i'm aiming for in life
- i also dressed up for black friday in lieu of the protests, but then i realised i don't even know the clear details of the syllabus CY want to put in place and went straight into supporting the protesters. Not that either side is right or wrong, but this is my BEING. Not clear about finding out all the details. I need to do better on that front. =)


 

Day 4

Distracted and didn't concentrate much yesterday. skipped boxing after work last night to eat clay pot rice straight with Kitty just before 8. Capped it off with dessert. Oops!

Make it a point today to go gym during lunch today!! Eat that BIG UGLY FROG first!!

Will continue to enrol ppl and make a difference and contribution!
Detox is coming!!!
 

Day 2 after ILP 1st weekend

After my emotional roller coaster of a day yesterday where i woke up feeling a million bucks and at least 5x if not 10x excited that it is a Monday morning, this morning i woke up feeling energised. Probably didn't get up to 10x but i thought to myself, the Tao book said to 'FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT', so that's exactly what i will do!

As I was applying skin care on my face, I stared into the mirror and smirked, grinned, shown my teeth, examining my laughing wrinkles, to feign excitment for about 12 seconds, 4 seconds followed by 8 seconds. Didn't quite feel it.

Then I got on the mini bus. As I staggered towards my seat amid all the rocking of the bus, I smiled and said "Morning" to the woman sitting next to me. She smiled back and did the same. I felt good! I suddenly realised the point was to think as if they were all waiting for me to say hi to them, even though I might be scared, so were they! When i think of it that way, I didn't feel held back at all. But rather, pretty empowered.

Then at IFC station I ran into a colleague from another department. We got chatting and somewhere between his career path which by the way is my dream job I blurted out what he's been doing is exactly what I want for my life. Now, knowing I'm pretty new in my firm, usually I'd fear about sharing my authentic self. But now I feel free and liberated and have my full self expression!

Here's to a fine Tuesday morning!