The most powerful breakthrough yet. And how I'm going to get my family C back...
I woke up at 5am to make the detox breakfast. I switched on that audio book the "Four Agreements", and as I thought more about it, I became so empowered about where I'd went wrong and how I can improve.
Now I really understand when at the phone assist on Tue night, Sunny the IL said, "it's not her, but who she is being to you". I now really realised, actually this very second, and 10 seconds before it, it's really not C, or her being busy and not hanging out with me. BUT who or what she represents to me. Who she represents is another person who is leaving me, leaving me behind, or will eventually leave me. The scene of my mother leaving Shanghai airport when I was 7 years old, I can't even recall the scene or what happened on that day, but I think the emotional scar it has left me, is just overwhelmingly devastating. As Dr B once diagnosed me, something that happened when I was 7 years old, I think innately it just kind of never healed. Even now as my relationship with mother and father flourish after my new transformation. As a result, when something or someone really good or close to me comes, I just need the safety and security to really hold onto it. In fact, to wrangle it and never let it go. And the other person just feel suffocated. In the process, I am so devoted and give it my all. But instead of the mentality I should maintain which is to not expect anything in return, and give only because I choose to, the mentality I have instead is to do anything but to let it go or do anything to prevent it from going. As a result, I perceive the fact that C is too busy with work, as a invalidation of myself, that she is "LEAVING ME BEHIND", again. Just like my mother did when I was 7 years old. My nose stuck agains the window, fingers and entire hands pressed against the window feeling extremely helpless and sad.
Now that I can see this, I'm ready to let it go. And set myself and C free. It's an extremely powerful breakthrough for me. How to execute it in reality? Just like how I changed my way of listening and communicating with my mother. Realising that inherently there is nothing wrong with me, and people DON'T JUST LEAVE ME for no reason. That way, I have the peace of mind and mindset to be able to let it be. Previously I felt insecure and 'left behind' when C hired a new coach. The moment I saw that sms she sent me back in Jun, I just felt so crushed. I felt like, why is it that, after all these years of me helping her (of course it was a misconception because our friendship was always both ways, in that she helped me as much as I helped her), she still LEFT ME BEHIND? She used to need me for English / editing / counseling, but not anymore. She used to need me for speech coaching, but not anymore. This whole time I had the mental barrier that "I am being used" and give her an attitude which she resents, because I felt like I am not good enough. Not good enough for her to just want to hang out with me for me, but rather, she will take from me what she wants and eventually leave me like my mother. I am so afraid that one day she, just like mother, will leave me, when she no longer needed me.
I think human behavior is very strange and the cycle of self fulfilling really is so significant. In June when I volunteered at the Landmark Forum, I thought my biggest fear in life is alone. Actually, it's not. My biggest fear in life is to be LEFT BEHIND. Back in May I shut down and kept people away when I lost my job as part of the merger and stopped attending any social engagements that I committed to going.
Now I see that over the past year with C, I was so afraid that she was going to leave me behind eventually that, I feel agitated, and resented when she came to me for help, because I felt like 'she was taking what she needs and she will leave'. This of course drove her away because no one wants to deal with this kind of attitude, and certainly not her being, which is to be 'tough and strong and take no sh*t from nobody' haha. This led her to getting her own coach and made me even more insecure. And the vicious downward cycle goes down this way.
Actually I am so excited this very moment, because I'm enlightened, empowered and READY TO BE REBORN AGAIN! Free, feeling loved and secure, and never will I be left behind again! Now with that peace of mind, I'm ready to love and care for those I love and not be hindered by this thought at the back of my mind that they will leave me one day. I choose to help because I choose to help. Not because I want to help so that they will love me and not leave me.
----
On the other hand, speaking of detox, I went to colon hydrotherapy, boy was it a challenge. Clearly not used to that side of the action, took forever and stomach was not very comfortable from then until the entire afternoon. But I do feel a bit lighter and tummy is now softer than before.
I woke up at 5am to make the detox breakfast. I switched on that audio book the "Four Agreements", and as I thought more about it, I became so empowered about where I'd went wrong and how I can improve.
Now I really understand when at the phone assist on Tue night, Sunny the IL said, "it's not her, but who she is being to you". I now really realised, actually this very second, and 10 seconds before it, it's really not C, or her being busy and not hanging out with me. BUT who or what she represents to me. Who she represents is another person who is leaving me, leaving me behind, or will eventually leave me. The scene of my mother leaving Shanghai airport when I was 7 years old, I can't even recall the scene or what happened on that day, but I think the emotional scar it has left me, is just overwhelmingly devastating. As Dr B once diagnosed me, something that happened when I was 7 years old, I think innately it just kind of never healed. Even now as my relationship with mother and father flourish after my new transformation. As a result, when something or someone really good or close to me comes, I just need the safety and security to really hold onto it. In fact, to wrangle it and never let it go. And the other person just feel suffocated. In the process, I am so devoted and give it my all. But instead of the mentality I should maintain which is to not expect anything in return, and give only because I choose to, the mentality I have instead is to do anything but to let it go or do anything to prevent it from going. As a result, I perceive the fact that C is too busy with work, as a invalidation of myself, that she is "LEAVING ME BEHIND", again. Just like my mother did when I was 7 years old. My nose stuck agains the window, fingers and entire hands pressed against the window feeling extremely helpless and sad.
Now that I can see this, I'm ready to let it go. And set myself and C free. It's an extremely powerful breakthrough for me. How to execute it in reality? Just like how I changed my way of listening and communicating with my mother. Realising that inherently there is nothing wrong with me, and people DON'T JUST LEAVE ME for no reason. That way, I have the peace of mind and mindset to be able to let it be. Previously I felt insecure and 'left behind' when C hired a new coach. The moment I saw that sms she sent me back in Jun, I just felt so crushed. I felt like, why is it that, after all these years of me helping her (of course it was a misconception because our friendship was always both ways, in that she helped me as much as I helped her), she still LEFT ME BEHIND? She used to need me for English / editing / counseling, but not anymore. She used to need me for speech coaching, but not anymore. This whole time I had the mental barrier that "I am being used" and give her an attitude which she resents, because I felt like I am not good enough. Not good enough for her to just want to hang out with me for me, but rather, she will take from me what she wants and eventually leave me like my mother. I am so afraid that one day she, just like mother, will leave me, when she no longer needed me.
I think human behavior is very strange and the cycle of self fulfilling really is so significant. In June when I volunteered at the Landmark Forum, I thought my biggest fear in life is alone. Actually, it's not. My biggest fear in life is to be LEFT BEHIND. Back in May I shut down and kept people away when I lost my job as part of the merger and stopped attending any social engagements that I committed to going.
Now I see that over the past year with C, I was so afraid that she was going to leave me behind eventually that, I feel agitated, and resented when she came to me for help, because I felt like 'she was taking what she needs and she will leave'. This of course drove her away because no one wants to deal with this kind of attitude, and certainly not her being, which is to be 'tough and strong and take no sh*t from nobody' haha. This led her to getting her own coach and made me even more insecure. And the vicious downward cycle goes down this way.
Actually I am so excited this very moment, because I'm enlightened, empowered and READY TO BE REBORN AGAIN! Free, feeling loved and secure, and never will I be left behind again! Now with that peace of mind, I'm ready to love and care for those I love and not be hindered by this thought at the back of my mind that they will leave me one day. I choose to help because I choose to help. Not because I want to help so that they will love me and not leave me.
----
On the other hand, speaking of detox, I went to colon hydrotherapy, boy was it a challenge. Clearly not used to that side of the action, took forever and stomach was not very comfortable from then until the entire afternoon. But I do feel a bit lighter and tummy is now softer than before.
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