Day 3 of vegan detox and the fact that weight this morning is down 1.5kg from sunday night, I didn't even feel anything. No joy. Apathy. Mostly because I was in so much angst last night which lasted til today. Right even this moment, although as I am listening to Beyonce's "I was here" performance at the UN, my mentality is starting to shift again.
I introduced T to C yesterday since they work in the same firm and sometimes work with each other. After the 15 min chat they had (half of which C went away to take a phone call which slightly annoyed me already because it just confirmed my 'story' that 'she is never present in any conversations with me or any effort by me'), I had about 10 mins left to chat with C after T went back to work. To me, I had a rushed day full of stuff to do before I had to leave work for phone assist. But I was very keen for T and C to meet each other before T jets off for 2 wks in New York.
Now, for the last 10 mins we had left, C whipped out her blackberry again. Asking me again to edit a subject line for her. My immediate reaction was "what the fuck"! Ok I overreacted. From my perspective, why is it that you never want to hang out with me just for the sake of being with me?! Why does your work have to intrude on everything we do? I initially thought whether it was my fault to pack stuff in when I know I'm under deadline and as a result I was irritated? Then I dug a bit deeper in my thoughts. This stuff has brewing between us two. The tension. Over the past year since she started at this new firm. Yet both of us have never had proper conversations to close and move on to renewed, energised conversations. Instead, we've been piling on more and more of our emotions on top of an already shaky foundation. Yesterday it finally collapsed when she emailed me and said whenever she asks for my help I always give her attitude and she will never never ask for my help again, all in caps. Now, I was slightly bothered by it when I saw it in the middle of phone assist.
Then, the real bomb was dropped. After phone assist, GJ told me some of the complaints she has had against me. She had a coaching session on Sun with her shanghai coach. Yet yesterday afternoon she clearly lied to me when she said she didn't use a coach that weekend and as such she needs help from me this weekend. Also the club house pass thing, that I "was asking too much". To me, if E who was a guy you are not even interested in, could give you a pass, why can't you give me one? Your so called 'family'. Laughable title. Well fine, this is a story I made up that, just cos E could give you, you could give me. But why can't you just be honest with me and say stop asking, it's too difficult to obtain? Rather than give me the bs about having to pay extra 5k/month. I really don't understand.
I know I used to accuse a lot. But I don't anymore. Maybe you are still holding onto the story that I do. And in the face of confrontations, you just run. You just lie. To me, the really sad part is I used to be able to take your word for anything. "You know I would never lie to you." And I really leave it at that. I've stopped. My ears can't bear words out of your mouth without doubts and suspicions. I don't know when it started, but I surely know callouses have formed around my heart. And I certainly don't care as much. My sky used to fall apart and my heart shattered when an email like yesterday came from you, yesterday I was still shattered, but not to the same degree.
I used to weave this story that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. My whole 20+ years of being. And I think even up til 2010 I used to think if there was an accident that happened, I would really give up my life for you. That's it, in this whole world, my mother, my father, and then you. But now? I really can't do that. I can't even go on a trip with you, one for budgetary concerns as I want to save up to pay for parents' mortgage, and two, I don't know how to be with you. Every time we are together, there's nothing else to talk about apart from your work. And whenever I am with you, you are never present to our conversations. Your head is always embroiled in work, clients.
I feel that you have become this alien person, so alien, so distant, so apathetic. All you have emotions for is work, clients. I'm not sure what else in your life matters. Maybe the boyfriend. And that's really it. I looked back to sms conversations since Jun/Jul. Yes you did invite me 3 times, to which I turned down each time, and without courage to say the real reason, I made an excuse each time that I'm busy or occupied. But the real reason is, each one of those times, it was an outing with your client, or your colleague. Why can't we have some one-one time? I am screaming and crawling to yank the C Z out of that glamazombie shell of yours now, the very soul and being that I used to be willing to die for? Now, all I can do is cry and weep and wonder why I have to cry til I laugh, and not the other way around?????!!!!!!!
Then, I started listening to Beyonce's performance at the UN, "I was here". And I really got present to my emotions and my perspectives from 3 years ago. Something I have forgotten and buried somewhere very very deep in my heart.
THAT I GAVE MY ALL, DID MY BEST, BROUGHT SOMEONE SOME HAPPINESS. THIS WORLD IS A LITTLE BETTER BECAUSE.. I WAS HERE.
I WAS HERE.
You are THAT someone. You meant the whole world to me. I want you to mean the whole world to me again. But I really don't want to feel betrayed. And on some levels, I am no longer as wide eyed as I used to be, about utter selflessness. I need some sort of reciprocity. Even 1%. I know this 1% concept is flawed because everyone judges 1% to mean different things. Yes I will stop accusing and stop reacting.
I just really hope we can work it out. I know I will give it my all to resurrect this. I really will. I promise.
I introduced T to C yesterday since they work in the same firm and sometimes work with each other. After the 15 min chat they had (half of which C went away to take a phone call which slightly annoyed me already because it just confirmed my 'story' that 'she is never present in any conversations with me or any effort by me'), I had about 10 mins left to chat with C after T went back to work. To me, I had a rushed day full of stuff to do before I had to leave work for phone assist. But I was very keen for T and C to meet each other before T jets off for 2 wks in New York.
Now, for the last 10 mins we had left, C whipped out her blackberry again. Asking me again to edit a subject line for her. My immediate reaction was "what the fuck"! Ok I overreacted. From my perspective, why is it that you never want to hang out with me just for the sake of being with me?! Why does your work have to intrude on everything we do? I initially thought whether it was my fault to pack stuff in when I know I'm under deadline and as a result I was irritated? Then I dug a bit deeper in my thoughts. This stuff has brewing between us two. The tension. Over the past year since she started at this new firm. Yet both of us have never had proper conversations to close and move on to renewed, energised conversations. Instead, we've been piling on more and more of our emotions on top of an already shaky foundation. Yesterday it finally collapsed when she emailed me and said whenever she asks for my help I always give her attitude and she will never never ask for my help again, all in caps. Now, I was slightly bothered by it when I saw it in the middle of phone assist.
Then, the real bomb was dropped. After phone assist, GJ told me some of the complaints she has had against me. She had a coaching session on Sun with her shanghai coach. Yet yesterday afternoon she clearly lied to me when she said she didn't use a coach that weekend and as such she needs help from me this weekend. Also the club house pass thing, that I "was asking too much". To me, if E who was a guy you are not even interested in, could give you a pass, why can't you give me one? Your so called 'family'. Laughable title. Well fine, this is a story I made up that, just cos E could give you, you could give me. But why can't you just be honest with me and say stop asking, it's too difficult to obtain? Rather than give me the bs about having to pay extra 5k/month. I really don't understand.
I know I used to accuse a lot. But I don't anymore. Maybe you are still holding onto the story that I do. And in the face of confrontations, you just run. You just lie. To me, the really sad part is I used to be able to take your word for anything. "You know I would never lie to you." And I really leave it at that. I've stopped. My ears can't bear words out of your mouth without doubts and suspicions. I don't know when it started, but I surely know callouses have formed around my heart. And I certainly don't care as much. My sky used to fall apart and my heart shattered when an email like yesterday came from you, yesterday I was still shattered, but not to the same degree.
I used to weave this story that you are the best thing that ever happened to me. My whole 20+ years of being. And I think even up til 2010 I used to think if there was an accident that happened, I would really give up my life for you. That's it, in this whole world, my mother, my father, and then you. But now? I really can't do that. I can't even go on a trip with you, one for budgetary concerns as I want to save up to pay for parents' mortgage, and two, I don't know how to be with you. Every time we are together, there's nothing else to talk about apart from your work. And whenever I am with you, you are never present to our conversations. Your head is always embroiled in work, clients.
I feel that you have become this alien person, so alien, so distant, so apathetic. All you have emotions for is work, clients. I'm not sure what else in your life matters. Maybe the boyfriend. And that's really it. I looked back to sms conversations since Jun/Jul. Yes you did invite me 3 times, to which I turned down each time, and without courage to say the real reason, I made an excuse each time that I'm busy or occupied. But the real reason is, each one of those times, it was an outing with your client, or your colleague. Why can't we have some one-one time? I am screaming and crawling to yank the C Z out of that glamazombie shell of yours now, the very soul and being that I used to be willing to die for? Now, all I can do is cry and weep and wonder why I have to cry til I laugh, and not the other way around?????!!!!!!!
Then, I started listening to Beyonce's performance at the UN, "I was here". And I really got present to my emotions and my perspectives from 3 years ago. Something I have forgotten and buried somewhere very very deep in my heart.
THAT I GAVE MY ALL, DID MY BEST, BROUGHT SOMEONE SOME HAPPINESS. THIS WORLD IS A LITTLE BETTER BECAUSE.. I WAS HERE.
I WAS HERE.
You are THAT someone. You meant the whole world to me. I want you to mean the whole world to me again. But I really don't want to feel betrayed. And on some levels, I am no longer as wide eyed as I used to be, about utter selflessness. I need some sort of reciprocity. Even 1%. I know this 1% concept is flawed because everyone judges 1% to mean different things. Yes I will stop accusing and stop reacting.
I just really hope we can work it out. I know I will give it my all to resurrect this. I really will. I promise.
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