Had dinner with L last night and I felt very happy and empowered afterwards. She said she was starting to 'get' why I put up all these repetitive status updates about 'being 10x excited' or 'fake it til I feel it'. And that my "cheeriness" was quite infectious. To be honest, it was a HUGE encouragement.
For some reason being able to 'complete' this conversation with her has been a burden at the back of my mind all this time. All along, in the last few years in HK, winning her 'approval' has always been very important to me. To me she's always been the perfect specimen of a female being, the looks, intelligence, kindness, feminimity, even 'funny-ness' in a feminine kind of way, someone I've always looked up to. I've been this dorky TB who's looked up to her with my starry eyes all this time. Probably carried it with me since high school, that damn high UAI that she got haha. At that point, I made up a story about L that 'everything about L is so perfect and winning her approval is extremely difficult' and I was very scared to face her judgement. For god's sake, it took me ages even to decide whether to tag her on that facebook share about free hugs day. That's how 'severe' my mental hindrance to winning her approval was.
Yet last night, I saw a different side of her, more humane, more down to earth. She actually hasn't changed at all, but it's my perspective that has shifted. I had this blindspot to her more humane side all this time. Her strong suit is she's 'too nice' and as a result have trouble saying no to people. The exact same problem I had and still to some extent have. I though, feel very empowered to know that the option to say no is there, without the fear of looking bad or other people's judgment. Because the freedom of expression is of utmost importance. I was happy to be able to give some thoughts and advice to her on that.
And it was so powerful to know that keeping faith in doing what I'm doing and generating positivity really works. Keep on doing what you are doing Q. It works!
--
Get on the court
On a separate note, I got more present to my problem of dragging my feet. Seeing P's video with T made me quite down and resent myself, as I had to confront the reality that I have been on the sidelines all this time, instead of being on the court. I do come across great ideas, then am either stopped by 'oh there are people who do that already', or 'market too small', or 'i'm scared', or 'i'm not entrepreneurial enough to do anything successful'. All very good 'reasons', all very good 'bullshit'! From hereon, when I see something promising, I'm gonna continue to inquire into it, rather than OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND.
Start before I have perfected
Another issue i've always had to wrestle with is 'do everything perfect' before I even start. I remember suffering late assignment hand-in for a flamenco project in music in year 8 because I wanted to 'ensure everything was perfect'. It's stuck with me ever since. Banking sort of got me to start ppt even when I don't yet have all the information, but it didn't help in any other facets of my life. From hereon, I'm going to start dipping my toes in the water, before 'I have collected all the knowledge I can possibly collect'.
Try it on. Shoot first, think later. F*** being scared.
For some reason being able to 'complete' this conversation with her has been a burden at the back of my mind all this time. All along, in the last few years in HK, winning her 'approval' has always been very important to me. To me she's always been the perfect specimen of a female being, the looks, intelligence, kindness, feminimity, even 'funny-ness' in a feminine kind of way, someone I've always looked up to. I've been this dorky TB who's looked up to her with my starry eyes all this time. Probably carried it with me since high school, that damn high UAI that she got haha. At that point, I made up a story about L that 'everything about L is so perfect and winning her approval is extremely difficult' and I was very scared to face her judgement. For god's sake, it took me ages even to decide whether to tag her on that facebook share about free hugs day. That's how 'severe' my mental hindrance to winning her approval was.
Yet last night, I saw a different side of her, more humane, more down to earth. She actually hasn't changed at all, but it's my perspective that has shifted. I had this blindspot to her more humane side all this time. Her strong suit is she's 'too nice' and as a result have trouble saying no to people. The exact same problem I had and still to some extent have. I though, feel very empowered to know that the option to say no is there, without the fear of looking bad or other people's judgment. Because the freedom of expression is of utmost importance. I was happy to be able to give some thoughts and advice to her on that.
And it was so powerful to know that keeping faith in doing what I'm doing and generating positivity really works. Keep on doing what you are doing Q. It works!
--
Get on the court
On a separate note, I got more present to my problem of dragging my feet. Seeing P's video with T made me quite down and resent myself, as I had to confront the reality that I have been on the sidelines all this time, instead of being on the court. I do come across great ideas, then am either stopped by 'oh there are people who do that already', or 'market too small', or 'i'm scared', or 'i'm not entrepreneurial enough to do anything successful'. All very good 'reasons', all very good 'bullshit'! From hereon, when I see something promising, I'm gonna continue to inquire into it, rather than OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND.
Start before I have perfected
Another issue i've always had to wrestle with is 'do everything perfect' before I even start. I remember suffering late assignment hand-in for a flamenco project in music in year 8 because I wanted to 'ensure everything was perfect'. It's stuck with me ever since. Banking sort of got me to start ppt even when I don't yet have all the information, but it didn't help in any other facets of my life. From hereon, I'm going to start dipping my toes in the water, before 'I have collected all the knowledge I can possibly collect'.
Try it on. Shoot first, think later. F*** being scared.
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