Finally called Mr A out to have the conversation with him, as part of the homework to have all the completeness conversations. It's been a while coming, but even til the last 30 mins I wasn't sure if it was even necessary. It's funny, I thought I no longer liked him and could move on, and this conversation was not necessary. But after we actually spoke, I felt happy, liberated (albeit mildly) and definitely ready to move on. The Tao of Dating's author was definitely right in saying that we back justify our own decisions. The moment I saw A again, I was like, crap what the hell was I thinking? The new being that I made was this feminine and professional being so obviously that entailed wearing heels all the way to drinks. And he was exactly 3" shorter than me as a result which was fine on the trip cos I was on flip flops the whole time. But then height is not a major issue, other things that bother me a lot is career and just the general knowledge about different things. Just not the ideal kind of man I want to be with. As I really get present to the conversation with myself about why I wanted to be with him, I think it was more the fact I wanted to be with SOMEONE, and his chirpiness and positivity were both drawing factors. But as you know a person more, you grow but also see the discrepancies of that person to your expectations.
Anyways I told him I felt hurt and frustrated by his persistent oral defensive mechanism of "I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to do anything you don't want to do" yet his behavior dictates the direct opposite, persistently, well during that month that things unraveled. I told him I feel like he was inauthentic, but now I wanted the conversation because I have moved on but just want closure and completeness at that. Took him a while to get present to what I was saying and to be honest I give him credit for owning up, but eventually he did and said he gave in to 'temptations, as all guys would do". He's probably right, I was a bit naive and unclear about what exactly I wanted. Lesson learned and I came out with such clear vision and a stronger rational person. The lesson is, if you are not clear about what you want, and if you don't make a stand for yourself, no one will.
One little secret was that as we sat very close to each other on the bar stools I had a sudden urge to kiss him. More animalistic than I am after him. I let that go cos after all, my own sense of esteem and dignity was worth quite some more to me. I don't know if it's my racket, that I need to maintain my pride and the past burned scars I had left on my heart from Q. It could very well be. Maybe he's yet another I need to call and complete with.
After the hour long chat I moved on to run. Stomach felt a bit sick initially probably from the juices and salads I had throughout the day. But I powered on, though at slower pace of 8.5k/hr. Wrapped up 20 mins, totalled around 3k. Messaged J this morning, telling her my grand plan of finishing 10k in under 65mins. She's big supporter as usual, and I promised to start going to her boot camp soon.
Now, the conversation with my dad this morning. Amusing as usual. So I called him as I was waiting for the cross tunnel bus. He got nervous thinking I called him must be because of some emergency. I reassured him that my new being will make it a point to call them more frequently, even if I have nothing to say, but just to show that I care. Haha. Then I got on the bus and we started speaking about my plan to train and transformation, we got so excited about my transformation that I didn't get off at my stop. Then I started getting annoyed and agitated as the bus continued on to unknown parts of Kowloon. And dad continued talking about our holiday plans and I got agitated and snapped saying 'cmon dad get to the point'. The details are not important, but the point is, I snapped. Although miraculously I got present to my emotions very quickly, almost the second after it blurted out of my mouth.
I got present to the fact that I let my emotions and frustrations elsewhere take over my conscious mind, and I got distracted from our conversation, ie I'm no longer present. I use an excuse elsewhere to let the person with whom I'm having a conversation with, have to bear what I said. The course has made me much more present to my emotions and haul the snapping and emotional turbulence much more easily.
Anyways I told him I felt hurt and frustrated by his persistent oral defensive mechanism of "I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to do anything you don't want to do" yet his behavior dictates the direct opposite, persistently, well during that month that things unraveled. I told him I feel like he was inauthentic, but now I wanted the conversation because I have moved on but just want closure and completeness at that. Took him a while to get present to what I was saying and to be honest I give him credit for owning up, but eventually he did and said he gave in to 'temptations, as all guys would do". He's probably right, I was a bit naive and unclear about what exactly I wanted. Lesson learned and I came out with such clear vision and a stronger rational person. The lesson is, if you are not clear about what you want, and if you don't make a stand for yourself, no one will.
One little secret was that as we sat very close to each other on the bar stools I had a sudden urge to kiss him. More animalistic than I am after him. I let that go cos after all, my own sense of esteem and dignity was worth quite some more to me. I don't know if it's my racket, that I need to maintain my pride and the past burned scars I had left on my heart from Q. It could very well be. Maybe he's yet another I need to call and complete with.
After the hour long chat I moved on to run. Stomach felt a bit sick initially probably from the juices and salads I had throughout the day. But I powered on, though at slower pace of 8.5k/hr. Wrapped up 20 mins, totalled around 3k. Messaged J this morning, telling her my grand plan of finishing 10k in under 65mins. She's big supporter as usual, and I promised to start going to her boot camp soon.
Now, the conversation with my dad this morning. Amusing as usual. So I called him as I was waiting for the cross tunnel bus. He got nervous thinking I called him must be because of some emergency. I reassured him that my new being will make it a point to call them more frequently, even if I have nothing to say, but just to show that I care. Haha. Then I got on the bus and we started speaking about my plan to train and transformation, we got so excited about my transformation that I didn't get off at my stop. Then I started getting annoyed and agitated as the bus continued on to unknown parts of Kowloon. And dad continued talking about our holiday plans and I got agitated and snapped saying 'cmon dad get to the point'. The details are not important, but the point is, I snapped. Although miraculously I got present to my emotions very quickly, almost the second after it blurted out of my mouth.
I got present to the fact that I let my emotions and frustrations elsewhere take over my conscious mind, and I got distracted from our conversation, ie I'm no longer present. I use an excuse elsewhere to let the person with whom I'm having a conversation with, have to bear what I said. The course has made me much more present to my emotions and haul the snapping and emotional turbulence much more easily.
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