Annette
Wow, this message must come across as very abrupt, after a 13 year gap in communication. Hope all is going well with you. The reason for my MSG is that I recently did a life coaching course that has helped me with uncovering my blind spots that have been inhibiting me in the past and allow me to move on by putting back the past in the past. So this is a conversation I'm having to complete my past and move on with the new.

You know I had a dawning realization last night and it's that In how I deal with friends I have never moved beyond the year 2000, ie when I was 16 and we all went to china in yr 10. What it is is that, you were one of the first close friends I had in life and I devoted so much energy and care into it cos I was so excited to have a close friend that I actually called you Jie Jie, and did silly things like folding origami cranes and prayed for your luck. You know, actually I take it back, it was not silly, but earnest and really doing cos I was hoping to contribute to you. And then how we ended, the exact details of which I can't even remember, but that I remember you criticising me for being fat, telling me not to wear certain clothes etc and that I should not be so childish and adore you with the love and admiration that i did but rather , should've been less naive and more shrewd like Janet, was such a huge blow that I never recovered from for the past 13 years. As betrayal. And that I'm not good enough. As such, even though subsequently I have met such amazing people from all over the world who are all willing to contribute to me, the one and only conversation I have been entertaining in my head and which is blinding me to the love and care I have been receiving is that, no matter how close I get to my friends, in the end they will betray me, tear my heart out and shatter it pieces. That's how I felt in 2000 and it remained that way til last night. I didn't know all this time but last night I saw loud and clear that no matter how much I give, i was always subconsciously looking for evidence that they are unreliable, will leave or disappoint me and that my naïveté will be mocked again, just like how you did, or at least that's how it occurred to me for all this time.

However I now realize that is just a story that I made up which has been tormenting me. What happened was, you and I did not work out, there is no need to make it to mean that I'm not good enough or that everyone else will disappoint me. So I'm now ready to let it go and move on. I am sorry for being impulsive and wayward at times. I still remember you were trying to pull me back from an argument with the librarian at the computers. Perhaps this was all my own doings and I made you wrong and resented you for all these years, while caging myself in the story that I am not good enough.

I am excited to open a new chapter where nothing from my past inhibits me and I can see clearly and embrace all the love and contribution that my amazing friends are giving me. I thank you for your friendship and wish you the best for everything.

Love,
QY (Jane)

I'm sorry

I'm sorry what i said occurs as not having faith in you. don't take it personally cos it's not about no faith in you. you know i rely on you a LOT. it's my own shortcomings that i am generally so used to playing alone that i feel like everyone is doing me a favor, you agreeing to be my cm is a big favor to me. i actually believed you will play for me, FULL OUT. but something i haven't been authentic with you is an inquiry if there is anything in the way you enrol your guests such that it is not as powerful as the amazing person that you are. i've already shared with you how much i love you as my friend, and how much i look up to you for the personal traits & qualities you have that i don't.

also i'm so used to playing alone and not good at all at asking for help, so as a result i couldn't be authentic and really come out and ask abt guests / assists during the day to chk status. cos i felt like you are doing me a favor therefore leave all to you and not ask anything.

1) i don't even believe that i will pass. so no wonder you probably don't even believe in that. it's completely okay, cos i need to be the cause in the matter of my life, not you. whatever i do correlate to my source and ppl see that. and given the disempowering context i've created for myself, the result yday is a mirror of that. it's loud and clear that it's my responsibility
2) l'm is supposed to be a mirror so whatever is not working in my life is cos i'm not making it work, not ilp. i hate that i don't have time for social life but i am the one choosing powerfully. if i want out, i can be out of ILP this very second. but i'm not, and i won't. ditto with your commitments for your family and friends. choose powerfully. i hope you do.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry what i said occurs as not having faith in you. don't take it personally cos it's not about no faith in you. you know i rely on you a LOT. it's my own shortcomings that i am generally so used to playing alone that i feel like everyone is doing me a favor, you agreeing to be my cm is a big favor to me. i actually believed you will play for me, FULL OUT. but something i haven't been authentic with you is an inquiry if there is anything in the way you enrol your guests such that it is not as powerful as the amazing person that you are. i've already shared with you how much i love you as my friend, and how much i look up to you for the personal traits & qualities you have that i don't.

also i'm so used to playing alone and not good at all at asking for help, so as a result i couldn't be authentic and really come out and ask abt guests / assists during the day to chk status. cos i felt like you are doing me a favor therefore leave all to you and not ask anything.

1) i don't even believe that i will pass. so no wonder you probably don't even believe in that. it's completely okay, cos i need to be the cause in the matter of my life, not you. whatever i do correlate to my source and ppl see that. and given the disempowering context i've created for myself, the result yday is a mirror of that. it's loud and clear that it's my responsibility
2) l'm is supposed to be a mirror so whatever is not working in my life is cos i'm not making it work, not ilp. i hate that i don't have time for social life but i am the one choosing powerfully. if i want out, i can be out of ILP this very second. but i'm not, and i won't. ditto with your commitments for your family and friends. choose powerfully. i hope you do.

Oh Happy day! Enough hiding!

Dear all!

A very WARM morning hug from me! I have just came out of hibernation for the past 2 months and decided to PLAYYYY. This past weekend has been so excruciating, where my repetitive pattern that has been stopping me on my path to my dream has surfaced so loud and clear. It is now clear than ever that MY BIGGEST FEAR IN LIFE IS NOT THAT I AM A FAILURE, BUT THAT I AM SUCCESSFUL BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS! As such, I just sabotage my way every time I come remotely close to achieving something for myself.

I procrastinate -> then when sh** hit the fan and I really can't stand it anymore, I DECLARE I'M PLAYING -> then because I left so little bloody time to do, it's just impossible and ill prepared -> then I get demoralised and repeat the story of 'I JUST CAN'T'. Sob, curl up in a ball and find somebody to blame cos I love victimising myself in the story "I play alone!"

Now, enough is enough and I don't want to be stopped anymore! As such, this morning I am getting out of my head and dealing with the whatso and asking for your support (pretty please)!!!

• 1 white card I need
• 1 guest for Tiffany's candidation intro tonight (7.30pm, @ Thien's place in Long Beach, Olympic)
• 4 guests for my candidation intro tomorrow night (7.30pm, @ Thien's place in Long Beach, Olympic)

Even this very moment, my mind wavers slightly as do my fingers tremble somewhat over the keyboard, with such a heightened emotion and sense of empowerment that i haven't sensed before. The enthusiasm mixed with fear. But you know what? Isn't that what life is ALL ABOUT? Prance into the seemingly dark & unknown future and ready to embrace the light cos this very moment i lift my head and say "YES I CAN!" Ditto the next moment, and the one after.

Thank you very much for your support as always! I never cease to be amazed by and am forever indebted to the level of humanity this group shows me everyday! =)

--

Warm regards,
QY Zhou
+852 69068823

YES I CAN!

Wow how to focus and get results is to really just get out of my head and say OK I WILL DO IT!

I am determined to do my candidation intro tomorrow, I'm organising guests for T tonight, I'm studying my pnp for tomorrow, I'm enrolling others to give me a white card, Nothing is impossible when I'm out of my head!!!

 

In my head

Throughout the whole of yesterday I saw how much I love to victimize myself and then blame other people for my circumstances. Yesterday that person was T, my candidation manager.

In fact, my pattern goes like this, I procrastinate, don't plan and leave everything til last minute. Then when shit hits the fan I get so fed up w the urgency and declare I will take action. But by then there is simply not enough time and as a result I get so demoralized. In The process I victimize myself and complain that I play alone and no one else is here for me.

In the past that person has been C cos we used to see each other so frequently. Now since our paths cross so few times, I really come to blame other people. Really, find anyone to blame that I can find as target.


I also caught myself thinking so much, because of yet another conflicting scheduling. Thinking is so tiresome. If I just get off my arse and do, it's so much easier.

I want to break the pattern and really focus on pnp today and mock. That way, at least I get two things done.

Day #5 wrap, disastrous rock bottom, with imminent rebound

Watching tv after getting home and 5L of water. The movie single people.

I really come to appreciate good food. How I long for a bite of mussel, the Bavarian cafe one in Sydney, along with fries. How I have been abusing my body with crap for all this time, not caring for quality, just quantity instead.

I promise to reduce my appetite by half and really eat small petite size from hereon.

Today during the weekend, I was so in my head and completely broke down in front of the class. Initially abt the detox, then about the work, which was really what's affecting me.

Then I called Charlotte to come to be acknowledged and she said something that so touched me. She said I always had this big commitment to be helping other people and during the first mock, I was related and really handled Nicole's questions with ease and grace. However what happened since then? I have been so in my head and not present to my commitment.

She also created such a beautiful picture where mum would be guest at one of my landmark intro or when I become a life coach. And imagine her joy when I'm really helping other people. My contribution to others. Wow, I must say that never occurred to me as a possibility. I was so excited touched moved and inspired by that

Day 3! hunger subsiding but sleep deprived

Hunger is subsiding as my body adjusts to the new rhythm. However am a bit sleep deprived from A's special intro. Had 6 guests last night and all 6 actually turned up, which was impressive in itself. E registered. Throughout the intro she kept on using her phone, so I thought she was not very interested. However after enrolling her a bit, she actually signed up, which was a pleasant surprise.

Father took on calling me in the mornings. He gave me a lot of advice this morning. It was like 20 years worth of advice oozing out of his mouth over the phone to my eardrums. Maybe he was making up for lost time. I certainly felt loved! Some key pointers
1. get enough rest, be well rested.
2. forgot already, gosh. i think it was along the lines of speak less, listen more.

Possibility today is to bracket my tiredness and be energetic!

Bracketing!

Committed to bracket my worries! Get present to my commitment and get shit done today!

BEING, NOT DOING!

Day 1, I'm mf hungry

6.50pm. Time seemed to have slowed a bit, or maybe faster. I don't know.
But I have been present to my stomach all day long, grumbling, distracting me.

I have been to the toilet for way too many times (#1), the pantry to fill up the water jug way too frequently, to the point I am now almost fed up with practising my prancing around the office like a proper lady.

Blazing clarity. It's crystal clear, it's gold

I feel so sad, angry and grief since yesterday

Clarity. Blazing clarity. Not without a hint of grief but it's crystal clear. It's gold. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I realized I have wasted five years being with somebody, contributing to somebody, realizing this person is so into herself and has been treating me like an idiot, or disposable item, for I am but a tool to help her to get what she wants. Now I finally have clarity and the answers to all those confusions I tried so long to find answers to. All this time that I have been crying, grieving, being sad. Now I come to see, I have to thank her for making me learn how to love. This dance with her in the friendship game is exactly how one should play in the relationship game, for, utter devotion without asking for anything back, is only works, if you meet "the one". Not just someone who takes you for granted. It is now so clear why, she never bother to give any support when I ask her to run, always comfort in saying 'you have lost a lot of weight already, dont worry', she doesnt really bother to bring the souvenir to me. All these is ok, but the most insidious, is that she wants me to be fat, doing poorly, have no friends, so she can be my savior and the fact that I only have her. It's so scary, come to think of it, the whole incident with Linda. Her jealousy and compulsive need to denigrate her in front of me, is nauseating.

Why she stopped communicating when she started dating
Why she never cares I am so drunk and lost my passport in Mexico
Why she suddenly left me in hk on cny without even a pre warning
Why she stopped asking me to hang out now that I don't help her with the speech
Why she never asks me to come out to lkf anymore even when she goes out
She has been keeping me warm on that phrase that she "doesn't keep" any friends, apart from her bf and me. It's very laughable. Because its now so clear to me that she doesn't care for anyone but herself. The way she describes the boyfriend, her underlings, it's so clear that everyone is disposable to her. I'm so aghast that I've been blind to all of this. Granted I've slowly progressed on that path of realisation but My parents definitely accelerated it. For the better.

5 years of struggle, well, the last two particularly. I now feel lighter, clear and enlightened.

What is my take away? Company really matters to me. I need to keep good company. For me, all this time I have been in This dysfunctional relationship where I hope to find validation and the need to prove that I can have a best friend like any other normal people. Now I have the peace of mind and blazing clarity to really see what's good for me, who's good for me and who is not.

My takeaway is it hasn't completely been bad but pretty much started when she started dating. She forgot the pain of betrayal by the ex, forgot how vulnerable she was, and suddenly got more tainted by
Cos I'm clear for my bday in sept 2009 at least she made effort for me. As I did for her bday the following April when we went to kenting. And she was agonizing over gj. All started to go AWOL in 2h10 when she is too busy pleasing her boys, she wanted me to be the sidekick flying to her aide, always available. Fk that. I vow that this is a great lesson to be present to myself, what I want. Never be taken granted.

I will be a force to be reckoned with. That's my new year resolution, who I'm going to be. The rest, is all just doing.


Not without a hint of grief but this is gold.

Mother is so right, she got that through a half hour conversation. I have to admire her.

Force to be reckoned with.
I feel like a failure completely - forgot the tickets at home and had to get the cab to go home to get it.

I need clearing.
What's in my space?
How do I feel?
What is my commitment?
who am i committed to be?

I feel like a failure, scrambling and always change my mind
I just need to stop thinking and start doing.

On the other hand, people like p and c don't bother to reply to me either cos they are 1) busy and or 2) deem me not good enough. Or in my mother's words - 看不起我。 extremely hard to swallow but I think it's true. At least I was able to take in the constructive criticism and take it in

On shuttle bus to work I suddenly realized my occurring now is, I am a belle, real belle trapped inside an extra large coat. Rather than the occurrence that has always been there for me, that I am a blob of fat that no one wants to be near.

有什么好怕的

It's funny. I had a coffee w colleague N yday just to catch up. I was being with her to hear her out about frustration with certain things and how it occurred to her that people inevitably become cynical because there are so many naysayers to changes, cos they are so complacent and / or are afraid of change.

Then for me, she said something of concern to me, just a comment about certain someone that exacerbated my existing fear I had of that person. Then I realised this morning, as I was crossing the street, that I literally, spend more time worrying and fretting about screwing up than I spend time thinking about what I need to do to SUCCEED!! It's funny, how things have panned out potentially represent an opportunity for me. And while other people may tackle it with much enthusiasm and excitement, I face it with fear and worry, thinking "what if I fuck up?"!! Also, in terms of N's comment about this particular person, there is nothing new that she has told me. 伴君如伴虎 is a never failing truth. I just need to get more present to it. N said what he/she said, there is nothing new. I don't need to make any meaning out of it.

Get off the audience seat and get on to the court! Cos I'm playing!

躲不了也不想躲了.

有什么好怕的，我们来到这个世上，就没打算活着会去！

Getting present to my fears

The big boss asked me to do some research. For some reason everytime I have a conversation with him, I am scared, I fret. I don't know why.

I need a clearing. So let me clear myself. Why do I stutter? Why am I nervous??

Cos I pride myself in good writing and he gave me bunch of comments so I deem myself not good enough. But what happened is what happened, my language was just not factual enough and descriptive. Nothing is wrong.

Am I also scared cos of the probation so I feel like I'm on egg shells? Maybe. But I am a confident person and I know who I am and what I am capable of. No need for me to be scared. Do the best to my ability so I can say i havent wasted my talent.

Sense of responsibility

I saw an interview of citibank's CEO on what drives him and he says it's the sense of responsibility he feels for his work, his family and his duties. To me, I am a different person today to who I was yday because I am driven by my responsibility to ILP, to you, and to the people in my lives.

I am committed to Tiffany getting the most out of iLP by completing the program the way it is designed. An to all of you, when all those numbers of registrations u need to do, i invite you to not look at 10. But look at how many ppl in your life, whose lives you want to make a difference to. That will shift your context and how you play your game.

Certainly you have more than 10 members of your friends and family in your lfe? How many of those would you like to make a difference to to their lives?

The need to be strong. Why?

Something I'm coming to terms with after the trip is my need to always be strong when with my mother, esp carry stuff for her. Eg we were lining up for the cab queue out of airport express, i was holding some bags, she offered to help, I immediately reacted and said "no, don't bother, stop hassling me!" The same thing goes for each time she asks me to help me.

I keep asking myself why I'm always like this when I'm with her. No one else, just her. Perhaps it's those shopping trips with her all those years, when dad is away working and not with us. It's always been the two of us. Even throughout high school, I tried to do as much of the carrying as I can cos the amount of groceries we had to collect each time is overwhelming and as a result I always tried to carry more cos I didn't want her to overwork just cos dad was not there. My need to be strong and tough and extend myself is never more apparent than I am with her. now that I come to terms with it, I realise I can let it go. She offers, I can take it, I can choose to not take it. I don't have to react, and consider it my absolute responsibility. She is also making a choice when she offers. I don't have to decide in advance for what's good for her. And I certainly don't need to react.

Devil is in the details and Be optimistic but not too blind

Devil is in the details. I need to SEE, in addition to LOOK, on
- what is there,
- what is lacking,
- what I need to do?

Want to be positive and optimistic but not too blind. So operative practice is to for each positive thought I have, think about what could go wrong, what if's, be the devil's advocate. Always think out all the possible scenarios and outcomes beforehand.

New Year Resolutions 2013!!!

1. Complete my first 10km race in one hour
2. Complete a marathon / triathlon
3. Complete a 15 day liquid detox
4. Write my thoughts & learnings and share generously
5. Start vegetarian Monday, live each day with love & compassion
6. Practice meditation, yoga & tai chi
7. Continue to live without alcohol (except red)
8. Lose the weight I said I was going to lose
9. Be committed to what I stand for & taking actions towards my dream
10. Be bold, loving, compassionate, vivacious, athletic & radiant, with ease & grace, remembering my role models
11. Be with my cicumstances each day, never entertain the conversation that I am a failure, for, what happened is what happened and I am good enough!
12. Embrace each day, by being ALIVE and with INTEGRITY, not by surviving and stop resisting what I know I ought to do
13. Be with the people in my life, be a stand for them and accept them for who they are, and the space they are in
14. Never let an upset stay with me overnight
15. 孝顺父母，即孝也要顺

Trip notes

So we have been the back of a car for hours with a driver who probably thinks he's drag racing on a windy road. In the darkness I woke up and saw mum, sitting upright, hands clenching on the handle and eyes gazing towards the front intently. "Why aren't you sleeping?" I asked. And then my mum,
who's double my age, a few cm shorter and 20lb lighter, said: "Don't worry you sleep, I want to make sure I'm awake so ill jump over to protect you in the first instant there's an accident". Words couldn't quite describe how much love and gratitude I felt and how fortunate I am.

--
the manicurist who told me zen.
so i went to this place called Khunka on the main shopping street in Chiang Mai. she and her colleague literally had the most basic tools to remove my soft gel. What initially is meant to take 30 minutes ended up taking triple the amount of time, and even i as the customer was feeling exasperated cos it was so difficult and time consuming. In the end i asked, "what do you do if you come across something very frustrating?" What she essentially said was what I already know, but it's very difficult to implement in reality and was particularly powerful in light of what was happening. She said too many people face frustration cos they had high expectations, so the higher the expectation, the higher the disappointment. Another point of frustration is, people always try to ask why, or how things have come to this? "Just let it be" was 4 simple words she said.

I am good enough realisations!

18 dec wed
- I am comfortable talking to good looking guys
- I am a stand for Thien
- I wear more dresses
- I didn't eat anything when I get home
- I initiated conversation w Nicolas

28 dec
1. I bother to put on foundation
2. I have good taste in books
3. I have wide interests that's not too Girly, eg Ancient Rome and Chinese history
4. Am avid alto, can blast out tune like true entertainer
5. Ambidextrous and great hand eye coordination. will pick up piano again

30 dec
Happy second last day to 2012!!!
1. Haven't gone berserk on mango in TH
2. Caring for my parents, familial
3. Curious, not afraid to ask questions
4. Caring
5. Determined to make a difference to other people, no matter how minute

31 dec
1. Adventurous
2. Genuine
3. Creative in bed
4. Well versed in Chinese history
5. Beautiful calves

1 jan
1. Have had integrity on issue of running - 9km by end dec
2. Humorous
3. Quick wit
4. Good listener when I remember to listen
5. Determined, finished 12 day vegan diet

2 jan
1. I'm well versed in Chinese culture, eg literature
2. Know how to play chess
3. Had fling with man with hot body, what I always wanted, and he really wants to have sex with me still
4. Grew long hair
5. Take care of my body by consistently moisturizing
7 Jan
1. I realise every good thing I find about myself, my brain is wired to automatically find a reason to counter or invalidate that (the automatic 'but').
2. I am thoughtful - went to pick up magazines for mother as i withdrew cash
3. Good delegation skills, and divide & conquer - assigned small tasks to dad mum and myself to speed up process at airport last night
4. I acknowledge myself for realising clothes go mouldy then they go mouldy, it's what happened, and i should take care to not repeat it, but I AM NOT a failure
5. I acknowledge myself for realising the need to dishoard things, reduce clutter  

Yet some more on relationships

What has been my reason for not being able to date?
I'm not attractive, no one want to be seen in public with me
I don't know how to be loved
I'm too much of a man
I have never been in a relationship before, I'm weird, I'm weird and not like a normal girl
I don't know how to love

Instead of squandering your will power on a strict diet, eat enough glucose to conserve willpower, and use self control for more promising long term strategies

My implementation intention
- if I'm so full but still want to eat, put away my cutlery
- if I'm craving sweets late at night, get on cab and go home via Bonham road or Caine road
- if I'm craving heavy food late at night, jump on a cab
- if I'm eating at late night after 9pm, only order green veges and have one piece of lean meat.
- never Eat with overweight people, only drinks
- in group setting, alway sit next to men
- use fitness pal to record daily intake

List of qualities

Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with me? What make me attractive and interesting?
Vitality
Humor
Compassion? - condition
Caring
Friendly - condition
Patience?
Courage selectively,
Wide variety of interest
Positivity
Charity
Talented?
What are my values?
Chinese history
Chinese culture
Loving
Good in bed, not afraid of looking bad
Radiant
Integrity

What do I want to be?
Elegance
Grace
Femininity
Fit , not lethargic
Youthful
Courage
Creative
Radiant
Glowing
Goddess, who is my idea of goddess?

L's look, cleanliness and how she loves her family N friends
S's substance and talent and fire,
T's love for her friends and family and charity
H/ H's personality and love of life,
H/H 's ease and grace
C1's smile and innocence
Miranda Kerr's career and family balance/ Multi talent,
C2's drive for work/ relentlessness
T2's drive for perfection and fitness
K's financially savvy and take care of myself attitude
TT's Physique
C3 (male)'s entrepreneurialism
L2 (male)'s creativity