Blazing clarity. It's crystal clear, it's gold

I feel so sad, angry and grief since yesterday

Clarity. Blazing clarity. Not without a hint of grief but it's crystal clear. It's gold. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I realized I have wasted five years being with somebody, contributing to somebody, realizing this person is so into herself and has been treating me like an idiot, or disposable item, for I am but a tool to help her to get what she wants. Now I finally have clarity and the answers to all those confusions I tried so long to find answers to. All this time that I have been crying, grieving, being sad. Now I come to see, I have to thank her for making me learn how to love. This dance with her in the friendship game is exactly how one should play in the relationship game, for, utter devotion without asking for anything back, is only works, if you meet "the one". Not just someone who takes you for granted. It is now so clear why, she never bother to give any support when I ask her to run, always comfort in saying 'you have lost a lot of weight already, dont worry', she doesnt really bother to bring the souvenir to me. All these is ok, but the most insidious, is that she wants me to be fat, doing poorly, have no friends, so she can be my savior and the fact that I only have her. It's so scary, come to think of it, the whole incident with Linda. Her jealousy and compulsive need to denigrate her in front of me, is nauseating.

Why she stopped communicating when she started dating
Why she never cares I am so drunk and lost my passport in Mexico
Why she suddenly left me in hk on cny without even a pre warning
Why she stopped asking me to hang out now that I don't help her with the speech
Why she never asks me to come out to lkf anymore even when she goes out
She has been keeping me warm on that phrase that she "doesn't keep" any friends, apart from her bf and me. It's very laughable. Because its now so clear to me that she doesn't care for anyone but herself. The way she describes the boyfriend, her underlings, it's so clear that everyone is disposable to her. I'm so aghast that I've been blind to all of this. Granted I've slowly progressed on that path of realisation but My parents definitely accelerated it. For the better.

5 years of struggle, well, the last two particularly. I now feel lighter, clear and enlightened.

What is my take away? Company really matters to me. I need to keep good company. For me, all this time I have been in This dysfunctional relationship where I hope to find validation and the need to prove that I can have a best friend like any other normal people. Now I have the peace of mind and blazing clarity to really see what's good for me, who's good for me and who is not.

My takeaway is it hasn't completely been bad but pretty much started when she started dating. She forgot the pain of betrayal by the ex, forgot how vulnerable she was, and suddenly got more tainted by
Cos I'm clear for my bday in sept 2009 at least she made effort for me. As I did for her bday the following April when we went to kenting. And she was agonizing over gj. All started to go AWOL in 2h10 when she is too busy pleasing her boys, she wanted me to be the sidekick flying to her aide, always available. Fk that. I vow that this is a great lesson to be present to myself, what I want. Never be taken granted.

I will be a force to be reckoned with. That's my new year resolution, who I'm going to be. The rest, is all just doing.


Not without a hint of grief but this is gold.

Mother is so right, she got that through a half hour conversation. I have to admire her.

Force to be reckoned with.
I feel like a failure completely - forgot the tickets at home and had to get the cab to go home to get it.

I need clearing.
What's in my space?
How do I feel?
What is my commitment?
who am i committed to be?

I feel like a failure, scrambling and always change my mind
I just need to stop thinking and start doing.

On the other hand, people like p and c don't bother to reply to me either cos they are 1) busy and or 2) deem me not good enough. Or in my mother's words - 看不起我。 extremely hard to swallow but I think it's true. At least I was able to take in the constructive criticism and take it in

On shuttle bus to work I suddenly realized my occurring now is, I am a belle, real belle trapped inside an extra large coat. Rather than the occurrence that has always been there for me, that I am a blob of fat that no one wants to be near.