2012年10月4日 星期四

Dear R - the closure conversation you deserve

Dear R
I still remember that moment when I read on some facebook event invite by one of your female friends titled "R's funeral". The shock, utter disbelief with which I stared at that, that sinking and sad feeling, I still remember so distinctly after these two years.

There is something you need to know. I thought I have put it behind me, yet this course I am doing now, is confronting me to dig it out from the graveyards of my subconsciousness, by having this undelivered conversation with you. So here I am, confronting my own ghost, and writing you this letter, from the bottom of my heart.

I have liked you since year 12 or first year of uni. Since our meeting in Mr Liu's tutorial school. "Like", "have a crush", these are almost alien words to me. The computer geek who stayed under the wings of my family and never proceed out of the warm nest. I think as I get more present to the past, i am so present to the fact that I placed all the guys I liked on the pedestal probably because both you and K were such over-achievers, olympic medalists for maths & physics, while I myself was this humble commoner, too scared to tell you how I felt, or even proceed to develop a friendship with you.

All this time, UBS competition, salsa, golfing, I was on the stand, pretending and lying to myself that I don't like you anymore (probably because I automatically wrote you off, thinking I would never be good enough for you or you would simply never be interested in me). How strange the mind works! Back justification, since I wrote off that possibility, I lied to myself that we would and could never work, as a result, after you moved to london, I took the ostrich approach. Burying my head in the sand, pretending that I was too busy to call you on skype, apart from that one pathetic time that we finally managed to have a pleasant chat. I have been a jerk, but more a coward. And so I sat here regretting, resenting myself. And mourning your passing away. And forever lost, that possibility of 'what if'.

Yet, all this time, you were my inspiration. You were the strange Shanghai kid who was not afraid of looking bad, who was not 'reasonable' and performed on stage, with your top off. Traveled to off the beaten track places that others only heard of. Or do out of the box things that I've only heard but could never imagine myself doing. Salsa, golf, you were the person who led me to take on these things. Even though I didn't like golf in the end, but at least I tried, cos of you.

I feel sad, and feel like I owe you a thank you, for being my inspiration all this time. I owe you a sorry to you, but also to myself, for being in the stand almost all my adult life, witnessing, dragging my feet, resenting myself and everyone else because I could not have what I did not have the courage to pursue.

I will re-ignite my passion for life, for you, but more importantly, for myself. I vow to do the unreasonable and make you proud. I vow to give up my self limiting thoughts and give it my all, to what I believe in, to my causes. I vow to never let another chance slip by my fingers and use the rest of my life to ponder that 'what if' question. I will stop the resentment and be with myself.

I really wish I could hug you just one more time, and tell you all the things I want to tell you. Tell you all the things you deserve to know. But I know I can't. Perhaps in my dream one day. I will live on your legacy and live life as it should be lived, on the court, not in the stand anymore.

沒有留言:

張貼留言