A few days of not writing and the high of second weekend and last fri's inspired to enroll has kind of worn off. I resent myself for a few things, not the least include:
- want to back out of my commitments all the time, back out of lunch in central when it's just M and K attending. My racket is i need to max out efficiency and really want to go to all the meals when the other ppl F and J are attending too. I perceive K to not be much of a contributor and as a result I perceive the lunch to be a waste of time. As for M, I can learn a lot by being with her, but I can organise a walk with her on sunday. There, I said it, although I think I can love animals and people more freely, I'm still stingy with my time and perceive / judge people on how 'useful' they are to me. I'm such an asshole. At least I've come to terms with that.
Also another mini breakdown.
This week after the highs of second weekend and fri's inspired to enroll appears to be a bit of a mini breakdown wk for me. I blasted out this email abt charity walk formally yesterday to about 50 colleagues and 100 contacts. And got about <5 a="a" and="and" anguish.="anguish." around="around" as="as" ask="ask" away.="away." back.="back." be="be" bit="bit" br="br" busy="busy" caught="caught" don="don" emails="emails" for="for" forgot="forgot" get="get" got="got" host="host" i="i" my="my" of="of" pissed.="pissed." ppl="ppl" present="present" proceeded="proceeded" prolly="prolly" reasons="reasons" reply="reply" responses="responses" so="so" some="some" t="t" them="them" then="then" they="they" to="to" walked="walked" was="was" whole="whole" will="will" yadiyadayada.="yadiyadayada.">
I needed to have a conversation with them anyhow to get any traction, just like enrollment conversations. So what has changed? Absolutely nothing. Email was merely my means to give info, rather than enrolling. So I'm gonna hit the phones today like a Wall Street broker and hustle like how it should be done.
I feel like I've gone back to my shell a bit this week. Afraid of looking bad, no matter. The turtle is coming back out to the sun again!!!!
Hustle like I mean business.
- also had breakdown with parents as they wanted to leave sydney later than I initially planned for them to (ie they want to leave on 24th pm rather than 23rd AM). Two key issues were sticking points:
1. Timing, I was frustrated and wanted to spend as much of my free time with them, yet them leaving later than I expected makes that difficult
2. Destination, I was initially intending on doing 8 days in thailand, when mother then said she wants to go to Singapore. Then and there I had a breakdown thinking why can't we go places where I want to go?? Then I got present to the fact that I was still very selfish, on both the destination and timing, I want things to go my way. Also, she did not understand the benefits of Thailand as she did not know because i did not enroll her into the beauty, great food and chilled out nature of the holiday.
When i explained to her the nature of how wonderful thailand could be, ie great food, beauty and attraction of a thai massage. she was very enrolled. so my point is, enrollment really works and needs to be applied everywhere.
Also - breakthrough on Mon
I was a bit of an asshole again on Sunday night when I rescheduled the coach call on sunday night to go to movies with a senior ex colleague N who messaged me as I came back from Tpe. If it was anybody else then i definitely would not have moved but my story is that N is very hard to catch and I really wanted to see her (and her friends who I potentially perceive as 'useful'). Seriously omg as I type this now, I am now more present than ever that this is my automatic machine, I value and judge people for who they are, how valuable they may be to me, what I can get out of conversation with them. Is there something wrong with that? No, it's just so automatic that I want to get present to it. Awareness is first step to enlightenment.
The thing with P
So on Mon night I finally had dinner w P who i've been wanting to see for a few weeks. We spoke about life, how she has somewhat recovered from grief and nowadays all that she is present to, is to get a raise so she can financially support her family and prepare for retirement from finance. I think the whole way I was conscious not to push her to do landmark however afterwards I had a coach call to ask HOW I CAN SPEAK TO HER BETTER than i did and trying to help her. Whatever B says always seems to push a tears button in me. She acknowledged me and said i care so much for my friends and that's why for my whole life my automatic mode is to try to help people. However what does not work is the fact that authentically I am judging the situation from the angle that there is 'something is wrong'. Her quote is "I can't stand her (P) going home and not being with people". She just hit a jackpot there. As a result, I always try to fix things. It's very constraining as I am like a rat on teh automatic wheel always trying to put out fires when they probably don't really need rescuing. In the meantime if people don't understand me, I get frustrated.
So, B told me to just be with people, and STOP DOING WHATEVER IT IS I'M DOING.
So I apologised to P for judging that 'something was 'wrong' with the current situation'.
There is nothing wrong, with her wanting to go home, nor is there anything wrong with her being underground w G for the last 18 mths or so.
- want to back out of my commitments all the time, back out of lunch in central when it's just M and K attending. My racket is i need to max out efficiency and really want to go to all the meals when the other ppl F and J are attending too. I perceive K to not be much of a contributor and as a result I perceive the lunch to be a waste of time. As for M, I can learn a lot by being with her, but I can organise a walk with her on sunday. There, I said it, although I think I can love animals and people more freely, I'm still stingy with my time and perceive / judge people on how 'useful' they are to me. I'm such an asshole. At least I've come to terms with that.
Also another mini breakdown.
This week after the highs of second weekend and fri's inspired to enroll appears to be a bit of a mini breakdown wk for me. I blasted out this email abt charity walk formally yesterday to about 50 colleagues and 100 contacts. And got about <5 a="a" and="and" anguish.="anguish." around="around" as="as" ask="ask" away.="away." back.="back." be="be" bit="bit" br="br" busy="busy" caught="caught" don="don" emails="emails" for="for" forgot="forgot" get="get" got="got" host="host" i="i" my="my" of="of" pissed.="pissed." ppl="ppl" present="present" proceeded="proceeded" prolly="prolly" reasons="reasons" reply="reply" responses="responses" so="so" some="some" t="t" them="them" then="then" they="they" to="to" walked="walked" was="was" whole="whole" will="will" yadiyadayada.="yadiyadayada.">
I needed to have a conversation with them anyhow to get any traction, just like enrollment conversations. So what has changed? Absolutely nothing. Email was merely my means to give info, rather than enrolling. So I'm gonna hit the phones today like a Wall Street broker and hustle like how it should be done.
I feel like I've gone back to my shell a bit this week. Afraid of looking bad, no matter. The turtle is coming back out to the sun again!!!!
Hustle like I mean business.
- also had breakdown with parents as they wanted to leave sydney later than I initially planned for them to (ie they want to leave on 24th pm rather than 23rd AM). Two key issues were sticking points:
1. Timing, I was frustrated and wanted to spend as much of my free time with them, yet them leaving later than I expected makes that difficult
2. Destination, I was initially intending on doing 8 days in thailand, when mother then said she wants to go to Singapore. Then and there I had a breakdown thinking why can't we go places where I want to go?? Then I got present to the fact that I was still very selfish, on both the destination and timing, I want things to go my way. Also, she did not understand the benefits of Thailand as she did not know because i did not enroll her into the beauty, great food and chilled out nature of the holiday.
When i explained to her the nature of how wonderful thailand could be, ie great food, beauty and attraction of a thai massage. she was very enrolled. so my point is, enrollment really works and needs to be applied everywhere.
Also - breakthrough on Mon
I was a bit of an asshole again on Sunday night when I rescheduled the coach call on sunday night to go to movies with a senior ex colleague N who messaged me as I came back from Tpe. If it was anybody else then i definitely would not have moved but my story is that N is very hard to catch and I really wanted to see her (and her friends who I potentially perceive as 'useful'). Seriously omg as I type this now, I am now more present than ever that this is my automatic machine, I value and judge people for who they are, how valuable they may be to me, what I can get out of conversation with them. Is there something wrong with that? No, it's just so automatic that I want to get present to it. Awareness is first step to enlightenment.
The thing with P
So on Mon night I finally had dinner w P who i've been wanting to see for a few weeks. We spoke about life, how she has somewhat recovered from grief and nowadays all that she is present to, is to get a raise so she can financially support her family and prepare for retirement from finance. I think the whole way I was conscious not to push her to do landmark however afterwards I had a coach call to ask HOW I CAN SPEAK TO HER BETTER than i did and trying to help her. Whatever B says always seems to push a tears button in me. She acknowledged me and said i care so much for my friends and that's why for my whole life my automatic mode is to try to help people. However what does not work is the fact that authentically I am judging the situation from the angle that there is 'something is wrong'. Her quote is "I can't stand her (P) going home and not being with people". She just hit a jackpot there. As a result, I always try to fix things. It's very constraining as I am like a rat on teh automatic wheel always trying to put out fires when they probably don't really need rescuing. In the meantime if people don't understand me, I get frustrated.
So, B told me to just be with people, and STOP DOING WHATEVER IT IS I'M DOING.
So I apologised to P for judging that 'something was 'wrong' with the current situation'.
There is nothing wrong, with her wanting to go home, nor is there anything wrong with her being underground w G for the last 18 mths or so.
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