sentimentality and vicitimisation go hand in hand

i had a breakthrough as I was speaking with T on the buddy call this morning. Since last friday i have been in this emotional rut, friday had wild mood swings, yesterday was just bad mood and depressed due to miscommunication with work and other things. ditto with the intro's, everyone else has been very active in asking other ppl for help, i just felt like i dont' want to / can't be bothered / rather play my own game.

then as i was speaking to her, i realised, all my life, i love playing the victim. mother always told me to never rely on anybody, men particular. most important is to have my own money or be financially independent. that has stuck with me for the longest time, as a result, i'd rather help other people, than they help me (both men and women included). i'd be the firefighter all the time, and since i don't ask for help, ppl don't know they should take a stand for me, like bring guest for my intro, as i secretly hope, (without me asking). just exactly like my mother, now that i think about it. she'd rather contribute to her own family and be the stronger, than vice versa. Yes she feels stronger, but at what cost? i certainly know that, as i help others, i feel good, but i also feel lonely and helpless. when i need help, who is going to come help me? i feel like no one does, and the whole world owes me, partly because they wouldn't (when of course they would, but i need to ask, which i can't bring myself to). 

then when that fails, i then feel sorry for myself and play the victim, and get super sensitive, as i have for the entirety of my life. this sort of upset and sadness i have no explanations for. 

now that i am finally aware of my act, i feel very free. i should no longer feel constrained to ask for help. i need help, i ask for it. i don't have to be the strong person, i am willing to be weak and vulnerable.