OMG i think i should work as a marriage counsel or mediator!!! I need to set the context for this, for me to even write this letter to you both is a breakthrough already! Now I'm really making a stand for you both, coming from the space of ruthless compassion aka in your face confrontation, perhaps some things i say isn't very nice, but i am being direct and hopefully helpful!!
Thank you to you both for putting your trust in me and speaking with me yday / today. Here is a laundry list of my listening, since you too are both not (yet) brilliant communicators of your feelings. I'm writing up this dirty laundry list you two both have for each other. I highly recommend you talk it out point by point.
From Cathy:
1. C, you need 安全感， don't want to be taken for granted. You think you are working so hard, and so feel very unhappy when GJ has these complaints about you. You feel like you are being taken for granted, because GJ doesn't show any appreciation, whether it's financial support or your moral support introducing him to buyside ppl or complains a lot.
a) C, you are focusing on the present, the NOW, the why is GJ not more supportive of your work / instead of just complaining about 'little things' such as being late, or not nice to people.
b) to this, I give GJ credit because he is thinking about the FUTURE with you. He clearly loves you so very much and he painted a beautiful picture yday with you inside it, as the mother of his children, where he clearly wants a loving mother, instead of one who doesn't care about other people (subordinates or people of lower social status eg cleaners / security guards etc). Something happened in his childhood which makes him react badly everytime someone is rude to these people, because he was once an underdog too. But of course, C you are not aware of your behavior, to you, you are so involved in your work and pressure that you are simply not aware of the impact of your behavior. Also, GJ hasn't shared his feeling with you, about his past and why he feels the way he feels (ILP17 revision please, dude!!!).
c) So GJ, you need to start applying Landmark and really tell her how you feel. So far, what you have been doing, is build up these annoyances and complaints and not telling her. You allow garbage to build up and then let it overspill the trash can. Then when it overspills, you react strongly and explode. Sound pleasant? lol.. so please, when you see something, communicate authentically and let C know how you feel. She really doesn't know what you are thinking until you tell her, no? We are not trained to be mind readers. Communicate timely, don't delay, and communicate fully. Don't useful hurtful words when you are emotional. Distinguish the fact and the interpretation.
d) Fact is, for the Derrick training incident, she let you wait 45 mins, she didn't know you were stinking from bball, she literally thought you'd just be sitting in the lobby play w your phone for the timebeing. Your interpretation was - she doesn't respect your time and doesn't care for other people.
When you reacted strongly on this or her being late in other occasions, because you haven't told her what you really feel about her being late (remember, she's not mind reader) then her interpretation is, "me, cathy zhang is working so hard to do well at my job, why do you, my bf, not appreciate me"???
that's really what she's thinking about, but given how much she loves holding onto her complaints about you and not telling you, as you do holding onto yours about her, she hasn't told you that too. As I told you last night, GJ, girls, we may appear tough, but really deep down inside, we are all vulnerable and want strong shoulders to lean on. To her right now, she's just thinking when will be the time she can come to rely on you. Truth is, she doesn't want to be the b**** banker being rude to people all the time. The cathy zhang we love is still down there somewhere, just covered by the toughness and unnecessary aggression the banking world has piled on. To this, GJ, i think you really need to have compassion. And always listen from that cornerstone of listening - COMPASSION! Weekend 3 homework!!! you've done it, better revisit again!!! You need to make a choice, chocolate / vanilla, banker cathy or another cathy, once you make that choice, then you commit to accept who she is. Her job may be her package, comes with her. It's her job, but doesn't make who she is. She doesn't necessarily have to be aggressive and obnoxious. You can change her by accepting her wholeheartedly, instead of only picking and choosing bits you like about her and then disregarding the bits you don't. I put it to you, GJ, that, the moment you are finally standing up to take responsibility for your actions, and your promises, then she will also transform. We need to lead by example, that's how we can implement transformations powerfully. Which brings me back to the smoking example. Now, please don't react as I'm only stating a fact and not interpreting. I was very touched and inspired when you came to ILP18 to ask for guests for Celine and you said how you will transform by QUITTING smoking.
YET, only one or two weeks later, you gave up quitting smoking. You also quit ILP at the last moment. You may not know the impact of your behavior on other people, I was a bit disappointed given how inspired by you i was previously. Then I made a determination to really do ILP18 by the rules, and not waste my time, "UNLIKE zhu guoji," i told myself. Maybe it was my racket, but you certainly helped me in that sense. i put it to you, that if there is no change in you, you surely can't dream of changes in C. I know I have been talking about your quitting smoking on a few different occasions. Please don't take it personally and don't be mad at me. To be perfectly authentic, previously you said you wasted 5 months of ILP17 cos you were holding a grudge / racketing against the program, I actually realised yday that you haven't learned much from the program, or if you did, you don't apply it to your life. or your communication with Cathy. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but the reality is, whether you quit smoking or not, it really doesn't matter. WHAT MATTERS IS YOU ARE YOUR WORD, AND THE DAY THAT YOU SAY YOU WILL STAND UP TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF AND C, and then you REALLY ACT AND BE YOUR WORD, that's when you really become powerful and cause change in C.
Now to C, one of the key things that matter to GJ, and again, i give him credit cos he's really thinking about the future, is your health and wellbeing. He clearly doesn't want the mother of his children to be always talking profanity, or rude to others, or most importantly, in bad health cos always drink too much. GJ really cares for you and I can hear it from the way he talks about you, that he cares for your health and don't want you to have this crazy and unhealthy lifestyle of binge drinking. I know how you feel, you feel like in the presence of Ayaz/ Achintya or other senior ppl, you really have no power to say no to drinking or anything. Just like how I felt I thought no power to say no to big clients when they ask for s*x** advances, until I just make a choice that my self respect (or health in your case) is more important than anything else. But i put it to you that you do. You can make a choice whether to drink til you throw up (and really make GJ worried) or be responsible for yourself. You are probably not aware of the impact of your actions, he is worried about you. You also have him worried about the health of potentially your children in the future, do you now see that?
So, my conclusion is, you both clearly care for each other deeply, and what's present here is just a lot of uncommunicated thoughts feelings, rather than some impossible incompatibility So I hope you use this weekend to really talk it out and leave NOTHING UNCOMMUNICATED! whatever habits, annoyances, grudges, misunderstandings, i hope you talk out each one of them.
Cathy make you wait? always late? drink too much? you hate it? tell her!
GJ is irresponsible or complain too much or take you for granted? tell him!
lay everything on the table.
My prescription to you both, STOP REACTING!!! 发脾气/讲气话, and start talking! Stop withholding your complaints / grudges about each other, like a bloody vacuum cleaner holding onto garbage. Tell the other person how you really feel. And the moment something out of his / her mouth that you don't like, just pause a moment and ask him / her to elaborate why they say that, rather than throw back another hurtful comment to them.
My final word is, try stepping in the shoes of the other person.
How would you feel C, if your other half persistently say oh it's going to be another 2 mins, then turns out to be 20 mins or longer, almost everytime? or he stumbles home middle of the night then throws up on the carpet? How do you feel?
How would you feel GJ, if your other half is sleeping 5 hours a day and have all these crazy pressure for layoffs at any time, yet she always throws tantrums if you come home a bit late?
Pls start to relate to each other as human beings instead of the object who causes all your angst. You know you care for him / her, so don't assume they know, you have to say it!
I'm hoping to get more breakthroughs this weekend at the LMF, but think for me to even write this letter to you both is a breakthrough already! I'm really making a stand for you both, so hope it works out!!
Happy birthday for tomorrow mr GJ! May this be the best bday ever yet!!
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