Weekend 2 ~ WOWWWWW

Just had ILP weekend 2, the only word to describe it is WOWWWWWWW.
Followed by OH SH*TTTTTTTT. This is the real me??? OMG i'm such a douche / jerk / b****. Haha

Sat was the recitation of the poems - gangbusters 10x excited. I didn't know I could get to that level of excitement. It was literally tearing my hair out, hysterical kind of excitement and not to mention rolling around on the floor.

I kind of saw a glimpse of it during the 10x sexy performance, IT being my act. that i need to look good in my 'performances'. I think it all comes down to my need for external validation when I was a child. The fact that I auditioned for that famous children's dancing school in Shanghai when I was 7 or 8, too fat to even jump up to reach the

 

this weekend has been exhilarating as i did wkend 2 of the leadership program, i learned so much about myself, really come to terms with who i am. truly amazing!

3 things i learned from my weekend leadership program i wanted to share w you:

1. im such an arrogant jerk who can't be with ppl. haha i know, it's quite confronting and i was like "reallly?!??!!" i give this impression that i'm aloof and 'fake friendly', eg say hi and not look at them, say how are you but not really caring if they actually are good or feeling lousy. (pointed out by a new classmate i met for first time, very authentic of her to do so). In the past I'd be so reactive and think "who the heck are you to tell me this?? but now i realise it's very rare in this world that ppl can make a stand like this for you and point out your blind spots, so really it's pure gold nuggets that she handed to my pocket).

2. i really need to look good and i subconsciously want external validations or applauses in my performances due to my childhood (i auditioned for some famous arts school in shanghai when I was 7 or 8 and i remember distinctly that I couldn't jump up to reach the height they set, and my aunt once said my singing voice probably wouldn't make it to that school, as a result, ever since, if you see me at karaoke you will know that I try so hard to prove myself a worthy performer LOL). so instead of giving a 2 min share to really be with ppl and share what i learned to touch their heart, i actually just wanted to prove that i'm now good at public speaking/performing and win and get a high score. as a result ppl feel like they can't relate to me or that they can only watch me from a distance

3. i am impatient and don't make time for people, it really is a sign of arrogance and my innate nastiness to be mean to people i probably subconsciously deem to be 'not as smart or inferior' or whatever nastiness I hold. This was visualised to me by a classmate M who objected to my constantly interrupting her conversation with our coach. I did it twice in two consecutive weeks. It was quite clear to me that I was impatient. However I then thought a bit harder back to my times with ex boss that I would always hold high pride in the fact that I did law and studied certain grades etc to be where I am now. She probably detested when I said that so I really can come to terms with it. It's hilarious cos I wasn't even top 1% of class. Probably only 5%. Yet the real 1% probably don't feel that way or show that level or arrogance. I am now clear that my need to constantly repeat the fact that I am a law grad or etc is just to let go of my own insecurities to make up for the fact that I was a lousy student in China who probably wouldn't have survived in the cut throat system there. And also for the fact that I was alway mediocre student without tutoring paid for by my parents.

 

haha. it's so amazing to know who i really am and come to terms with it.

Today I am listening from the space of 'LISTENING FOR GOLD'.

I also realised, I've only been SURVIVING my ILP so far. I may have brought some people in, but I've only played the game half heartedly. Ditto my work. Ditto my life be it relationships or physical and mental self development. I have not been giving it my WHOLE HEART AS I PROMISED I WILL FROM THE VERY BEGINNING OF ILP. As a result, I'm gonna play this game like I'M RUNNING ON THE 10K WITH A DOG CHASING ME!!!!

I'm gunning for candidation by Weekend 3!!!!! 4 rego and 11 guests. Digging for gold BULLION!!!!!

Operative practice will help!!!!! Although my poems recitation this morning was probably only 6x rather than 10x excited because my voice was a bit crooked, it still helped lift my mood and energy level. As a result of that, I am committed to doing this properly each day.

As a result of my poor memory or not being present, today I started an excel that records whether T and I have been keeping our words with the new possibilities we create each day. This way we are holding each other accountable and really cut the BS.