Came back from Tokyo last night. Tired but enlightened. The first 3 days of the 3.5 day trip was consistently bickering w C over little stuff. To the point where she said on several occasions that "she was going to give up" and that "we can never go back again". To which I would then insist that I will try very hard and get us back. Then I had a breakthrough of two fundamental issues that have been bothering me over all these past years (in HK especially). C tried to help me break away from them on the cab from the airport last night, over the process, I was very touched and then remembered why she is my family again. All that passion for my wellbeing, and she knows me so very well.
First, I think too much and over-complicate things in my mind. Mother was right about all those lines on my palm. I am intelligent, and like to think things through, sometimes too much and to my own detriment. Whenever C or anyone else does something, I make a judgment and conclusion about why they did the thing the way they did. Mostly wrongly. Including hiring the speech coach, or C willing to sign up for landmark if GJ quits smoking, I immediately made it to mean that she wouldn't sign up if I change and that I was less important than him. Such a silly childish thinking, yet it is exactly how I think right now!
Resolution: get rid of it, toss it.
Technique: next time I turn onto auto pilot of these "guess" and "suspecting" behaviors, I would just stop, and ask the other party why they are doing what they are doing. Instead of me guessing by myself!
Second, I realised I have this self limiting thought about me can never get the man of my dreams, eg if I meet some eligible and decent Asian boys, I automatically switch off and eliminate any possibility that we could be together because I think "I'm not attractive enough" or "guys wouldn't want to be with me". I kept on thinking about the root cause of these thoughts. It may be a combination of parents always telling me to lose weight, lose weight, and otherwise no guy would want to be with an overweight person; or my clubbing all these years with C and no guys would come to me. The latter is truly stupid of course since all the guys who go to club obviously has a smorgasboard of long legged scantily dressed chicks to choose from. I had attention deficit. But C is right, at the rate I'm going, right now my biggest issue is not weight, but my mentality. I will never find someone until I let that strait jacket go away.
Resolution: The self limiting thought is now an automatic pilot mode that needs to be recognised, tossed and purged.
Technique: be present to the auto pilot mode next time I meet someone, let this go. And think of how exciting and fabulous I am as A told me. I am stunning and awesome and such a gift to anyone who's lucky enough to be with me. Put on that grin knowing what I know.
C also suggested this technique: instead of getting nervous reaching out to all these guys because I think I have this "hidden agenda", just treat them like buddies, while continue to be feminine in my being. I think this sounds great, because then that takes the pressure off me reaching out and knowing these friends better. Which I can't do at this moment.
--
On a separate more upbeat note, C was starting to appreciate my unflappable energy to advise her on what to do and what to avoid (less ice, more ginger, more sleep, less cigarettes etc). It was fantastic! And hilarious! On first day, she told me within the 2 hours of hanging out, I have "criticised" her way too many times and she didn't want me to judge her anymore and leave her alone. For some reason I obviously couldn't stop and continued to bang on about oh try some more ginger, more water, more fruits, rather than supplements that are not food and too chemically based. I kept on talking about them at different circumstances, to the point where when we walked out from the airport terminal to the cab stand, she said, wow I really do admire your energy and persistence! No matter how much I criticise you, tell you to back off, or just leave me alone, you just don't stop! I beamed and said, "of course, i'm more nagging than your mother! and I'm proud of it! I'll continue to do it, be committed to your health, but not attached!" So my point is, be 10x excited and rock your life!
First, I think too much and over-complicate things in my mind. Mother was right about all those lines on my palm. I am intelligent, and like to think things through, sometimes too much and to my own detriment. Whenever C or anyone else does something, I make a judgment and conclusion about why they did the thing the way they did. Mostly wrongly. Including hiring the speech coach, or C willing to sign up for landmark if GJ quits smoking, I immediately made it to mean that she wouldn't sign up if I change and that I was less important than him. Such a silly childish thinking, yet it is exactly how I think right now!
Resolution: get rid of it, toss it.
Technique: next time I turn onto auto pilot of these "guess" and "suspecting" behaviors, I would just stop, and ask the other party why they are doing what they are doing. Instead of me guessing by myself!
Second, I realised I have this self limiting thought about me can never get the man of my dreams, eg if I meet some eligible and decent Asian boys, I automatically switch off and eliminate any possibility that we could be together because I think "I'm not attractive enough" or "guys wouldn't want to be with me". I kept on thinking about the root cause of these thoughts. It may be a combination of parents always telling me to lose weight, lose weight, and otherwise no guy would want to be with an overweight person; or my clubbing all these years with C and no guys would come to me. The latter is truly stupid of course since all the guys who go to club obviously has a smorgasboard of long legged scantily dressed chicks to choose from. I had attention deficit. But C is right, at the rate I'm going, right now my biggest issue is not weight, but my mentality. I will never find someone until I let that strait jacket go away.
Resolution: The self limiting thought is now an automatic pilot mode that needs to be recognised, tossed and purged.
Technique: be present to the auto pilot mode next time I meet someone, let this go. And think of how exciting and fabulous I am as A told me. I am stunning and awesome and such a gift to anyone who's lucky enough to be with me. Put on that grin knowing what I know.
C also suggested this technique: instead of getting nervous reaching out to all these guys because I think I have this "hidden agenda", just treat them like buddies, while continue to be feminine in my being. I think this sounds great, because then that takes the pressure off me reaching out and knowing these friends better. Which I can't do at this moment.
--
On a separate more upbeat note, C was starting to appreciate my unflappable energy to advise her on what to do and what to avoid (less ice, more ginger, more sleep, less cigarettes etc). It was fantastic! And hilarious! On first day, she told me within the 2 hours of hanging out, I have "criticised" her way too many times and she didn't want me to judge her anymore and leave her alone. For some reason I obviously couldn't stop and continued to bang on about oh try some more ginger, more water, more fruits, rather than supplements that are not food and too chemically based. I kept on talking about them at different circumstances, to the point where when we walked out from the airport terminal to the cab stand, she said, wow I really do admire your energy and persistence! No matter how much I criticise you, tell you to back off, or just leave me alone, you just don't stop! I beamed and said, "of course, i'm more nagging than your mother! and I'm proud of it! I'll continue to do it, be committed to your health, but not attached!" So my point is, be 10x excited and rock your life!
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