So what I care most about in life?

Mum told me she and dad had a big fight a few days ago, and they, as usual, in fear of "jeopardising my mood in a period of tough times". This morning when I was speaking to dad, according to him, all is well cos they are talking again. I know it's not and for the first time, I feel very helpless because I'm not there for them.

I'm here but not there. I now finally know how T feels all the time with her kids.

Dad was saying oh don't worry about us, worry about work. But to me, the most important is family. According to dad, mum never recovered from the cousin incident. I really want to call him and make him aware of the impact of his actions.

My list of problems:
- I'm here and not there. I'm here but my mind is elsewhere
- It occurs as impossible to me, therefore I procrastinate
-


From hereon, each day I will think of 5 past achievements I have done and empower myself that way.
1. calligraphy - won award when I was 5
2. co-founded 85 broads in unsw - organised 200 people event
3. organised donation to Nepal
4. organised donation to Bare Foot
5. piano competition winner
 

Occurring vs being vs acting

I attended last night's session by Toni with one of my biggest breakdowns during my ILP. It went on to last for an hour or so, until she tore it apart with her larger than life humanity and 'bigness'.

My ways of being and acting is perfectly correlated with the way in which the world occurs to me.

So where is an area I'm experiencing the loss of power? Right now that's work. Since the boss left last Thursday, have been in a bit of a limbo to get myself back up again from a headless chicken but to very little avail.

1. Lack of power
- failure to produce work / deal report

2. The environment I deal with that
- covertly hostile
- threatening
- no one looking out for me
- I'm all alone
- I'm without guidance
- I'm without protection
- sniping

3. the way in which I occur for myself
- first word that came to my mind is WEAK
- flip flop, vaccilate
- don't deliver, always promise ie no integrity
- try really hard
- it's a struggle
- drowning
- useless, am ineffective, i don't make a difference

4. What are my disempowering ways of being and ineffective ways of acting?
Being

• resigned / PROACTIVE                                   
• scared / BRAVE, COURAGEOUS
• bitter / FIRED UP, PASSIONATE
• disempowered / EMPOWERED
• procrastinating / UNSTOPPABLE
• unhappy / HAPPY, JOY!
• weighs on my mind / LIGHT, FREE!
• pressured / FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION
• not self expressed / FULLY SELF EXPRESSED
• not free / FREE!
• resent myself, others / LOVING LIFE!
• demotivated / MOTIVATED, DRIVEN
• distracted, think too much / FOCUSED

Acting

• scared to ask for my responsibility / ASK FOR RESPONSIBILITY
• hiding / OUT IN THE OPEN, DECLARE!
• late to work / PUNCTUAL, ON TIME
• don't put in 100% / 100%!
• leave work early / WORK HARD!
• refrain from asking work / PROACTIVELY ASK FOR WORK

Occurring

• Difficult / NORMAL, NOT ROCKET SCIENCE
• Impossible / FUN
• Traps everywhere / LEARN NEW THINGS
• Opaque / OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE MYSELF
• Challenging / OUT OF THE SHADOWS
• Scary / OWNERSHIP, BE RESPONSIBLE, OPPORTUNITY TO SHINE

Conclusion - this task of IPO is now FUN, EXCITING OPPORTUNITY TO STEP UP, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY / OWNERSHIP AND BE OUT IN THE OPEN AND FREE! ONLY LIVE ONCE, I DON'T WANT TO HIDE ANYMORE, IT'S MY OPPORTUNITY TO SHINE RIGHT NOW. Now or never!!!

I don't want an almost certain path to past based future, an ALMOST CERTAIN PREDICTABLE FUTURE of... resigned, unproductive, fired! No!!!

The context I'm creating is I AM BOLD, CONFIDENT, EMPOWERED, POWERFUL, PRODUCTIVE, FEARLESS, UNSTOPPABLE. I will have this occurring as if it's real! It's my reality!

Bracket the powerlessness and WONDER what is possible. Sense of wonder into this area of work - what would it be like if I was a powerful and well respected analyst? Right now I play small, I play hide and seek. I AM COMING OUT!

HAPPY
CONSISTENT
PERSISTENT
BRAVE
BOLD
SECURE
COMMITTED
FEARLESS
UNSTOPPABLE!!!!

Allow myself to get in touch and see what's important to me as a human being?
Feel respected, loved, free, fulfilled, PLAY BIG!

I can continue to hide in the dark, feel trapped, hate myself, leading to an almost certain predictable future or I can play! I'm gonna freaking playYYYYYYY!!!!!

What am I re-creating as the occurrence?
CONTRIBUTING AND MAKING A DIFFERENCE!
The future I'm committed to is to make a difference. It's not about ME making a difference (that's my identity talk), it's about MAKING A DIFFERENCE.

"It's hard" only arises in language. Nothing more.

Q, who you are for me, it's your word.

Houston, we've got a problem

Weekend 3 was so powerful and phenomenal that I came out of it feeling very inspired, enlivened and alive! Out of it, this Mon, I had a talk with the big boss in lieu of the crisis at work. I had so much energy and was so keen to contribute that he was very impressed and said we need more people like me. After weekend 3, I decided to run for it by the end of this week. But today, I had a breakdown. Major one. In fact, last night, when I did the phone assist. It dragged on to 10.15pm and when coach B asked me to wrap up the call with C's friend N, I was reactive and had a go at her. Like a petulent child. I am not proud of it, but was quite aware as I went off.

Then this morning, as I realised, hour by hour, that there simply no way I could pass part b of PNP. I had a major breakdown, the biggest I have had in past 3 months I think. Although I realised I can't blame Landmark for shit that happens or the fact that I can't get things done or I love to make myself wrong, I just couldn't control the frustration I was feeling.

The task occurs as such a giant impossible task to me that I feel compelled to have to drop everything I'm doing now to complete it. As a result, I lose integrity on everything else I'm doing in life and I resent myself, make myself wrong, and make anyone else in my way wrong too. I wonder why it occurs as impossible to me, perhaps school summer holidays, where I left everything to the last minute and end up having to cram cram cram.

Ditto for everything else, eg piano exams, running for candidations. It's a mirror. Damn right. Reflecting everything that is wrong with me.

I need to stop running, just be.
 

My circumstances are perfect!

i go into tonight's format with a racket already. i didn't know we have the rc format. i would've pushed for someone else, now i have charlotte and jim. who are quite shy. regardless! my circumstances are perfect! i will run them! not the other way around so they are perfect for me!

i had a mental breakdown the exact moment you came in this afternoon to chk on us with your mug in hand. i kept on thinking i always try to do too much. and that was exhibited in me sitting in your mock this afternoon and then nearly failing my test, if not for bobo's hints. even though i eventually passed, i only made it to my 5pm conf call with the skin of my teeth. it's such a shame i consistently cause unnecessary stress to myself in this manner. I'm really bothered. i'm really annoyed. most importantly, i'm really exhausted. and i'm done with resenting myself.

That's what I call an amazing day!

C told me she finally got the breakthrough she wanted (without coming to LMF yet!), work is just work and no longer running her life!

T told me after 2 days of her knowing that one of her girl friends who I had a chance conversation with on Halloween night does not like me. T sat on it for two days cos she was afraid that it would hurt my feelings. In the past as I would feel insecure, I would really care and want to get validation by getting everyone to like me. However today, when T told me, I really felt nothing, I said, "oh ok that's too bad. I wonder why that's the case, I must be not very related to people, I will work on that in the future." On the way back up to the elevator I was slightly upset for 3 minutes, but got off it very quickly after. Already okay by the time I got back to my desk.

C bought me lunch such that I didn't have to go out to buy, I was rushing deadline today.. Feeling very loved!

And you know the best part? Yes, I haven't come to that yet. It is, the fact that I woke up with 4 hours of sleep, feeling like a zombie. But the moment I was in ICC ready to go up the escalators, I had a flash of thought. It was that, I am so happy to be breathing, to be alive! It's fantastic feeling! As a result, my energy level throughout the whole day was very high and I was positively happy! Not that tired at all.

Your world is HOW the world OCCURS TO YOU. That is ALL. Nothing more!

Your life can be as miserable or as happy as you make it to be. I made my choice this morning, and it turned out fabulous!

于万一 & one inch

T was nice enough to pass me some chinese soup and when she gave it to me, she appeared quite down. I asked the reason and she said it's cos her guest number is down to 3 and she associates that as failure and disappointment. What I got, and it's always easier cos I'm the bystander, is that, she started from zero, and to get to three is amazing! Also, as I talked it out, I really saw that it's the process of us being fired up and play full out for something we believe in! It's like really living life, with such full enthusiasm and fire, for the first time!!!

Last night's intro and Last sat's my home intro both generated 0 registrations despite having 4-5 guests each time. Initially slightly disappointed but then I had a realisation.
As I thought it out, I really saw that it's the process of us being fired up and play full out for something we believe in! It's like really living life, with such full enthusiasm and fire, for the first time!!!

IT REALLY IS NOT ABOUT THE END RESULT. 10 REGO, 1 REGO, 20 GUESTS, 1 GUEST! WHO THE FK CARES!
IT REALLY IS ABOUT THE MANNER IN WHICH WE PLAY!
THE DEFIANCE AND FIRE WITH WHICH WE LIGHT UP OUR FIRE!
THE RELENTLESSNESS AND RESOLVE WE HAVE TO JUMP THROUGH THE HOOPS, POTHOLES, TRAPS AND BURDENS THAT WE GO THROUGH TO DO WHAT WE BELIEVE IN!
Yes there probably is 99.9% chance that it won't achieve target by friday. But it really doesn't matter!!! Because even if I know there is only 0.1% that I will pass, I will fight for that 0.1% chance! I want this new me!!!!
Any of you ever watched that movie "Any Given Sunday"? The football team coach Al Pacino is giving a speech before a game to motivate the losing team. You will get what im talking about.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO4tIrjBDkk
"We can stay here, and wait for the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way out of hell, one inch at a time."
"i know, that if i'm living, i'm gonna be willing to fight or die for that inch"
"and then you look to the next guy, that someone who's going to fight for that one inch with you!!" (YES, ME, MY ILP18 CLASSMATES!)
It also reminds me of this Chinese spy movie, 风声. The two spies trying to liberate China from Japan were willing to risk their lives, sewing the messages on their underwear, and willing to die for it, just so there's a tiny tiny far fetched chance that someone could pick up their clothing off their corpse and encrypted message from their bodies because only corpses could leave that prison.

国家已到了存亡之际,我辈只能奋不顾身,挽救于万一.
now it's not the country, but myself. my stand.
My life, my purpose, my passion, my vision, my stand.
Now who's coming with me to fight for this one inch so we come out living??

Zombie and it's perfect!

I woke up feeling like a zombie, had 4 hours sleep. Then as I was coming up the escalators in ICC I realised how amazing it is to be alive. Just to breathe, even if it's through slightly blocked nostrils, the touch of my forearm on the desk as i type this, the touch of my finger tips on the keyboard, the opportunity that many does not have to have this education and do what they want to do.

Therefore I choose to embrace today with smile, a run. An affirmation that life is perfect. Because I make my circumstances, and be with them. Not let them make me.

Operative practice:
Structure:
- time to arrive
- time to stay til - important distinction at end
- eat beforehand
- come with open mind, clear mind, leave aside worries for the time duration
 

Marathon woman

Life starts the moment u say yes, holy blah... Thien got me to say yes to something and 2 seconds later I was like... Holy crap. Did I just say that?

Her guest at intro said he will do marathon in nov 2013 in a bid to improve his health and she said she will support by doing it too. And guess what?!??? My idiot brain blurted out I will do it too hahahah

U r talking abt someone who couldn't run for more than 5 mins 6 mths ago. Only at 8km now...

A true leader is

You lead and others will follow. I feel so very empowered today because last night, I have exhibited a side of myself I didn't know I had before - charisma and leadership.

Essentially the class seemed quite unmotivated and I stood up to share about my experience from the day before, to go from passive and someone causing my life (Betty, by pushing me to run for candidation, to doing it myself). I really get it now, by the end of last night's class that no matter how silly the game, the point is to play full out (as John said, life starts the moment you say yes, and get on the court to play!) and once you start playin full out, your full being will shift and become this new charismatic person loving life! And the more you do it, the more empowered you feel, and the more you would want to continue this positive cycle!!

By me standing up, for the first time in my life I am the cause in the matter. I am leading and the rest of the group is following! This is so different to the me in AC where I sat back and watch everything unfold like a bystander!

The power of being I AM MY WORD

This new thing of I AM MY WORD feels so POWERFUL and EMPOWERING because I have never lived my life like this before!

It really was a miracle that I passed QnA yesterday. In fact, until yesterday afternoon, I still felt like the set out plan of
Thur QnA
Sat 2 assist - phone and intro
Mon 1 assist intro
Wed PnP mock
Thu PnP mock
Fri Format mock
Sun actual intro

Is madness, impossible, and more importantly, WHAT'S THE POINT? Why did I need to push myself so hard when no one else is doing it? When it occurred to me as impossible? Isn't work more important? All these reasons, all legitimate reasons.

But with this first obstacle done, I am extremely happy and empowered.

Yesterday was such a tumultuous and stressful day. The QnA which occurred to me as impossible, as I barely did up to Q17 the day before, the draft to boss that was due at the end of the day, coupled with the drama of having to listen to C for nearly an hour because of another relationship crisis. I was barely functional on 4 hour sleep, and kept on thinking to myself what is the point of pushing myself cos no one else in class is accelerating like I am. And as I was pacing up and down the dirty fire stairs in LEHK office, trying to stuff every word into my brain. Even as I placed my palm on the notes against the wall, trying to underline, memorise and muttering under my breath, my internal dialogues kept on shifting in and out of "yes i can", "no i can't!", "yes i can", "no freaking way!" Also, that moment, I resented myself for being so ill prepared and in this embarrassingly toiling situation, H, M, and even my buddy T have all completed. This was so reminiscent of my uni days where I leave everything to the last minute and while my friends all came to Law exams with ease and grace, I was still writing up notes, hoping to jam it all into my brain. Oh the toil! Oh the last minute rush / stress I always unnecessarily impose on myself! This is just a reflection of my being. Wipe that away please!

Finally at 9.20pm, the IL G pushed me to start. I was struggling a fair bit as words I clearly memorised just became blank spaces instead of pouring themselves out. I had to do a second time because I was stopped by two questions that were really similar. Had I paid more attention to really distinguish then I would not have had the issue.

--
What's even more amazing is really my ability to not react and take things personally. Had another conversation w C again, where she, after scolding by her boss, was shouting at me, blaming me and GJ for not caring about her work. Having somebody say f this f that to me at 8am on the train was not pleasant, but instead of just getting angry at her which I probably would before, I was calm and able to tell her to 1) calm down and 2) not use the vulgarity with me because it doesn't work. I was not this authentic and straightforwardness and no nonsense before.

Also, I was not afraid to say truthful things to her (advice really, at least to me) that probably sound really annoying to her. But I made it clear that the context is I care, for her, her and her package, be it job and relationships and everything else. So I'm saying things that others wouldn't dare or don't care to say.

At the back of my mind, I am cognisant of the fact that I don't want to go overboard of giving my love and contribution freely like xmas candies. I love myself. Myself comes first.

At some stage I need to stop giving or just pause, and see who continues to give love to me and contribute to me even as I don't.

That's the hard bit cos to me, at this moment, it does not occur to me that anyone would. Apart from the occasional kind gesture from perhaps T. or the ILP coaches or participants.

--
Still I find it quite fun to as if have entered the LM candy store and picking up each candy as I tick my past bad habits off one by one.
RID OF bad temper, TICK!
RID OF being unloving, selfish BIATCH ass, TICK!
RID OF mood swings for no good reason, TICK! (semi)
RID OF judgmental, TICK!
RID OF inferiority complex, TICK!
RID OF resenting my past, TICK!
RID OF "i can't run for sh*t", TICK!
PICK UP running, TICK!
PICK UP excitement for life, TICK!
PICK UP being caring and able to contribute w/o asking for return, TICK!
PICK UP love myself more cos I'm worth it, TICK!

Still to rid of
- procrastination
- how sometimes things occur to me as impossible, I can never get rid of it entirely, but need to shorten the time of getting OFF it quicker

In terms of goals the only major thing I have left is lose the weight, it's stuck on me for long enough, time to rid of it!
 

I AM DETERMINED AND COMMITTED TO MAKE THE IMPOSSIBLE, POSSIBLE TODAY!

Have QnA mock tonight, am determined to pass and do it right tonight!

Am committed to prioritise work and get it done first!

Am committed to have veges only for dinner for the next two weeks!

Am committed to be empowered and be unstoppable in the face of no!

Am committed to block out the internal dialogues and have faith in the power of YES I CAN!

Running outdoor day

My email to idol H - i find it amazing i can express my admiration for someone else so openly...

 

i miss idol H!! tsk tsk hahahah... gosh last two wks have been amazing.. so many rackets, so many breakthroughs! you know that thing abt i try too hard to look good and not related to ppl? well that's certainly on teh change..

My friend Y who did LMF last wkend confessed to me that she could see the change in me in that, although I have known her for 3 years, previously I occurred to her as not very genuine - everytime I saw her, I'd hug her and be very warm in greeting without much substance to follow up. This is probably most people's experience with me in the past!!!! >,< (hopefully not anymore haha)

This was very eye-opening for me because I thought I was being friendly and these people never make effort to hang out with me!! I really see that this 100%/0% really works. Because previously I was measuring it with my own standard of 50/50% effort in hanging out with people. Yet, everyone's standard and judgment of 50/50 is different! But after the forum, she could see that I was really becoming genuine and really care for people, in my generous sharings (although to me, i was just doing a conversation, but probably because she can see the shift in my being which is much more authentic than previous 'garbage in, garbage out' approach in being with people.

i think all this started w you standing on stage and be a target for our rackets during AC! me now really is different to me then!! woooohoooo haha.. :PP thank you Hartly! *HUGZ*

3 shares for WE3

# 1 - Improved Quality of life

- I desperately wanted to improve communication with my parents because everytime i felt like i needed to pretend to be busy to get off the phone with my mother because i wanted to run away from her 'nagging'. Then afterwards I resented myself because I prided myself in having the 'best' relationship one could have with their mother. This was clearly inauthentic. I saw that i have not contributed enough to my family as I have been running away from my responsibilities. as a result I created the possibility to go back to Australia to be with my parents for two weeks prior to starting my new job to restore our relationship.

So basically when I was in Sydney I kept my schedule completely blank, and i told her that i'm not going to use whatsapp, fb, gmail but rather, just be with her. we don't have to speak to each other, we can just sit here and be, together. the first week was difficult as i still perceived her as nagging so we bickered. but one day as mother and i strolled down to the beach, i said, look, the way i have been communicating so far has not worked, and from hereon instead of listening from the space that you are nagging me, i will listen from the space that you care for me so much and you love me so much, so please nag away!!! she stopped walking and paused, a bit stunned, saying, oh, that's something different, i've been waiting for you to say that all this time, you know. I said yes i'm sorry but indeed it's better late than never!

Now, me and my parents are at the best we have ever been! she can freely tell me what she feels and i no longer run away. nowadays when i call her just to say i miss her, she'd still get very nervous thinking there's an emergency going on here which is probably one of the rare occasions i would call her in the past. Let's just say my breakthrough out of the AC is continuously evolving, the peeling of the onion doesn't stop! And the quality of live for the three of us has improved infinitely!

#2 Blind spot - didn't know that I was not related to people

I have gained so much over last few weeks and really realise what has shifted in my being. It's amazing cos one of the 6 friends of mine who did LMF last wkend, registered her best friend and bf into it last night, so i could really see that she's clearly benefiting from it. My other friend Y who also did it last wkend confessed to me that she could see the change in me in that, although I have known her for 3 years, previously I occurred to her as not very genuine - everytime I saw her, I'd hug her and be very warm in greeting without much substance to follow up. This is probably most people's experience with me in the past!!!! >,< (hopefully not anymore haha)

This was very eye-opening for me because I thought I was being friendly and these people never make effort to hang out with me!! I really see that this 100%/0% really works. Because previously I was measuring it with my own standard of 50/50% effort in hanging out with people. Yet, everyone's standard and judgment of 50/50 is different! But after the forum, she could see that I was really becoming genuine and really care for people, in my generous sharings (although to me, i was just doing a conversation, but probably because she can see the shift in my being which is much more authentic than previous 'garbage in, garbage out' approach in being with people.

#3 Being unstoppable where I otherwise would've been stopped in the past

So a few weeks ago Ross made me aware of the bare foot charity walk to raise funds for poor students in Guizhou so they can continue their secondary school education. This experience proved a huge breakthrough on several fronts because instead of my being in the past where I just donate a few hundred dollars and make myself feel good, I decided to really make a stand and do something completely different.

1) stepped outside of my comfort zone and did a 4km barefoot walk, which would've been unimaginable 6 months ago

2) I took a stand to rally a group of people together and pledged to reach a target of HK$5000 (subsequently raised to HK$9000)

3) Being unstopped in the face of lack of response

So I had about 2 weeks to raise the funds. On day 3 I had about HK$2000, and sent out email to about 150 friends and colleagues rallying them to either participate in the walk or sponsor us. Much to my disappointment I only got less than 5 responses by the end of the day. Whereas I usually would be very resentful for the lack of response, this time I caught myself and really got present to what it is I am committed. Am I still committed to raising the funds? Yes! Am I still committed to helping these students? You bet! So I decided there is absolutely no reason to take things personally, people may just be busy/scared of barefoot/forgot to reply, I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing. As a result I followed up with personalised emails and phone calls. Soon enough the money started rolling in. The outcome was fantastic, we had a group of 10 people, two dogs, and also managed to raise more than HK$14000, smashing my revised target of HK$9000. It was a very empowering experience because I learned to pick myself up again and move forward where I would've been stopped previously. As long as I remain committed in my cause and have faith in myself, being unstoppable in the face of no is a new possibility!

It's a happy day

Last couple of days have been a bit stressful at best, yet full of pleasant surprises.

R called last night to share w me her breakthrough w the guy she's been seeing. While she previously thought of him as a writeoff because he was non committal due to his circumstances to relocate, he actually had second thoughts and wanted to get back together and start something with her, or at least try it out. This is after she had an authentic and touching conversation with her, which definitely caused the shift in him to open up as well. When I spoke to her, I was so happy for her! I was so happy for myself as well, that my friends are able to take my contribution and create something wonderful out of it!

Now, for myself, I am still trying to come to terms w my feelings for A. I have realised increasingly over the last couple of days that it's definitely not him, but what I take my interaction with me to mean. I have CL to thank for this, cos she kept on saying she feels sorry for his height and think I definitely deserve someone better. Nonetheless, I took it personally that he sent me that email on Mon to 'stop email flirting with him'. I was first of all, not aware of the impact of my emails.

I have already established that I resent looking weak, be it myself or other people. Heck, I couldn't even stand people using poor grammar or being less than eloquent, although for these sometimes it very much depends on my mood. Therefore, when I look bad cos someone put me down or I'm in a 'inferior position', or perceive myself to be, I resent the person who put me there and resent myself too. With everything else I am okay, but just him, appears to be my zenmaster and as a result I want to snap at him everytime he says something that 'annoys' me.

Parents and LMF
So I tried to register parents into LMF on Wed night. I was initially so super excited until mum made it very clear that what they want is to chill and relax.

They are the final frontier to me being committed but not attached.

How to lead the field

Going to implement one hour each day to write down methods to improve

What is my potential?
What am I passionate about?
What are my interests?

1 hour of thinking about what can improve

THIS IS A ROCKING WED!!!

Last night's assist was fabulous, simply unbelievable!!! Guess what? A registered her bf and best friend! Y brought her friend and she confessed to me that she could see the change in me in that, although I have known her for 3 years, previously I occurred to her as not very genuine - everytime I saw her, I'd hug her and be very warm in greeting without much substance to follow up. This was very eye-opening for me because I thought I was being friendly and these people never make effort to hang out with me!! I really see that this 100%/0% really works. Because previously I was measuring it with my own standard of 50/50%. Yet, everyone's standard and judgment of 50/50 is different! But after the forum, she could see that I was really becoming genuine and really care for people, in my generous sharings (although to me, i was just doing an enrollment conversation, but probably because she can see the shift in my being which is much more authentic than previous 'garbage in, garbage out' approach in being with people.

Yday I had a call w Liza and she made me realize I'm so automatic in deprecating myself by put myself in a lower space than everyone else cos of inferior complexity, whether in life or with guys as well. You know I was a small captain in first wk of primary school, I got it cos I was managing the school bus order voluntarily. Then next wk, the teacher took it back cos I talked too much in class (too excited). I was never given any title theoughout school ever since.. I always had the story that I am a mediocre student at the back of my mind and I tried very hard in Australia to prove the contrary. I think that's my trigger point of I'm not good enough!! As a result I'm so automatic in turning down receiving love from ppl. Because I'm too busy giving. So exercise I'm doing these two wks is to find 5 things great about myself that I'm worthy of receiving rather than not deserving. I catch myself, I'm so automatic in offering help, I'm going to try lower that a lil these two wks and just more aware of my own act.

And just now, C said she will consider doing LMF because she can really see the change in me. I'm so overjoyed it's really very funny! This just shows that leading by words does not work, and action is the only way out. People only follow and believe you if they see you being your word, you shifting the paradigm will cause ripple effects.

---

There really is no better way to conclude the five things I'm grateful for each day exercise. Today I'm shifting the exercise to 5 evidences that I am good enough, I am perfect the way I am, I will find people who love me exactly the way I am!

All along I have been too busy in giving. I will try pause giving just so that I can see who continues to love me. I haven't been able to see, feel, who's giving to me previously cos I'm giving too much. I will be more in touch with receiving, receiving with grace.

I will be more open and receive what life has to offer me, and let people give more freely.

I feel so free today that it's the best wed in a long while even on 4 hour sleep!


 

draft

I understand completely what you are saying, omg i was such an awkward person in high school cos i moved over in year 11 where all the girls were like 校花, north sydney girls (sample grad is nicole kidman, the bucks stops here really). that prolly exacerbated the primary school syndrome. kind of why as soon as i came to hk i wanted a new start and bleach my past of being with uncool ppl. you know how bad it got? i literally cut all ties w unsw law crew i used to hang out w who i perceive to be uncool boring hk girls. seriously, so drastic and overcompensating for something in my past.

cos you allowed yourself to look vulnerable and ppl want to contribute to you!
omg i just cried a lot on a call w Liza cos we are talking about owning intro. and i realised i always give and never allow myself the opportunity to receive / look vulnerable.

so you know how i been doing that grateful exercise everyday? now i'm gonna change it to 5 evidences that i am deserving.. will struggle a bit haha. be cause if somebody gives me a compliment i will be, thanks BUT.... from hereon, no buts. just accept with ease and grace!

Why I like to be friends with pretty girls...

Haha now that the title has your attention...

I realized that the reason I am friends with all the pretty girls is that I had deep self deprecation issues since primary school. Meaning that, in primary school I always put myself low because I was a bad student in primary school in the chinese conformity sense and dressed and acted like a dude. The Class teacher put me down a lot because I talked too much. As a result I put myself in a lower spot than most people, I collapsed the story that I am not good enough with I have to put myself lower to be with people, for them to accept me. As B said, this has restricted my freedom of self expression because I feel like everything I say need to be disclaimed as this is not that important, but i just want to put it for your consideration.

So as a result of all of this, growing up I really longed to be with the pretty girls because they are the goodies goodies that they are the favorites of teacher in my childhood and favorites of guys after I grew up. In a sense I really want to be like them but don't know how to. Now I really see that and can be with myself and my past. Because the moment I still put myself down, it's the moment I am still collapsing the story that something happened with that I am not a good enough feminine obedient student. So the possibility from hereon is that I can still make new friends who are pretty but I don't need to feel like I have to surround myself with those people in order to self improve.

And you know the funny thing? Is I can pinpoint the exact moment me and all my good looking gf's first met cos that was the moment I decided this girl is so cool I really want to be friends w her hahahah... Rofl... Now the truth is out!!!

Read more: http://www.transformhongkong.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=breakthru&thread=102#ixzz2BOvgkYha

It's okay to be vulnerable

Had so many rackets (annoyances) over the last couple of days that I assisted in LMF. Started on sat, when I saw coach B cry continuously in the room and I felt that she was not doing her job of living up to the expectation of a coach, ie be strong, uplift the room's morale rather than dragging it down, as I perceived her behavior to be doing.

Then it got worse on Sunday, when I had a huge racket (aka annoyance) from Frank ordering pizza, when he said Parma ham pizza times Two, instead of two Parma ham pizza. The annoyance I felt was insurmountable. I thought it was just another crazy mood swing, but no. Only this instant, as I write this, I realized the reason I am annoyed by this. Whether it was me learning English when I first got to Australia to assimilate or learning Cantonese so Ruby can never laugh at me again. I realized that I am resentful of the kind of hardship I had to go through in life, or the hardship i perceived that I had to go through to adapt. Therefore, how can other people not have gone through the kind of hardship I've gone through and it's not fair that their English or expression is crap and still get to be okay in life??!!??

Then also I saw that I was extremely judgmental of coach's attire, hair cut. The boyish outlook. I meant, how can it be okay for girls to dress like that? All my life I have been told, this is not on, by other people!! I was torn, on the one hand I was extremely judgmental how she looks so boyish and I really didn't like it. On the other hand I was really guilty why I felt that way towards her because she had been so good to me. Q = selfish evil judgmental b****? You bet I felt that way.

I then realized that all of these have to do with the expectations my parents ESP mother set for me. I didn't live up to her expectation of being a good feminine daughter. I didn't live up to teacher's expectation of me to be a conforming, obedient, feminine, non rowdy student. Heck they probably never had any expectations for me after they took back that 'small captain' title after I talked too much in class in year 1. Therefore I always blamed myself, if people dont live up to the expectation i set up for them or show any sign of weakness, i perceive them as weak and not forgive them. I have to be strong and not be weak and not stand up for myself is my act. I still so deeply resent the fact the aunties' daughter said that hurtful line when she was helping wash my hair and my father I perceive as weak and too oblivious to all this to protect me, when I was 10. i really remember to this day. But now it really is time to let go. so I am so happy that this year I am changing to be more feminine.
 

You are weak!!!! Now go resent

now i really get the power of this.. the more i don't want to be something, the more i empower that context of the exact thing i try to avoid. the more i resent "weakness" ie criticising imperfections in people, eg bad english, dress badly, can't express themselves clearly; the weaker i become myself, entangling myself in this emotional nonsense. A just emailed me and go, stop email flirting w him cos now he wants to write a book w me and to 'keep it formal' cos we are now biz partners.

oh how i resent my own weakness. resent!!!!!!

黑口黑面

A brought to my attention that when I am with people I like, I am really excited and happy. But often times I don't smile and look really black faced and unapproachable. When I tell people to be 10x excited, sounded like a command more than anything. It was so funny because when I called her a few weeks ago, I thought I was being related in telling her to enjoy the course more etc, but clearly she told me yesterday that she was kind of wondering why I called her and kind of strange.

Gahhhh so much to learn in being related and be aware of the impact of my actions and facial expressions. Not finding excuses but finding the reason why I do it would be good!!

Toss out the reasons and be empowered!

At Zuma, despite being so awesome as QSY, i did have a mini breakdown that night cos i kept on asking dj to play gangnam song but they wouldn't. after 3 hours i realised, the circumstance was running me, i should've just danced gangnam regardless of the music and teach ppl (which i did shortly before i left cos i was so bored). I should be running the circumstance and not vice versa!!!

Also, today during lunch, I ran a whole hour for around 8.3km. Actually at the 30 mins mark I wanted to give up cos I had all sorts of little thoughts coming to me, including period, i'm tired, my legs are sore from kick boxing yesterday. Then I got present to what I was thinking and realised these were the exact reasons that were stopping me everywhere in life. 

im tired im sick im too lazy i don't feel like it theres always tomorrow my daddy is not li ka shing.

 

so this wk i decided to toss all my reasons out of the window and do the exact opposite to whatever reasons i thought of. key thing is not to let my life be stopped. feel very empowered afterwards! My thighs are slightly sore but regardless, I felt good!