Had so many rackets (annoyances) over the last couple of days that I assisted in LMF. Started on sat, when I saw coach B cry continuously in the room and I felt that she was not doing her job of living up to the expectation of a coach, ie be strong, uplift the room's morale rather than dragging it down, as I perceived her behavior to be doing.
Then it got worse on Sunday, when I had a huge racket (aka annoyance) from Frank ordering pizza, when he said Parma ham pizza times Two, instead of two Parma ham pizza. The annoyance I felt was insurmountable. I thought it was just another crazy mood swing, but no. Only this instant, as I write this, I realized the reason I am annoyed by this. Whether it was me learning English when I first got to Australia to assimilate or learning Cantonese so Ruby can never laugh at me again. I realized that I am resentful of the kind of hardship I had to go through in life, or the hardship i perceived that I had to go through to adapt. Therefore, how can other people not have gone through the kind of hardship I've gone through and it's not fair that their English or expression is crap and still get to be okay in life??!!??
Then also I saw that I was extremely judgmental of coach's attire, hair cut. The boyish outlook. I meant, how can it be okay for girls to dress like that? All my life I have been told, this is not on, by other people!! I was torn, on the one hand I was extremely judgmental how she looks so boyish and I really didn't like it. On the other hand I was really guilty why I felt that way towards her because she had been so good to me. Q = selfish evil judgmental b****? You bet I felt that way.
I then realized that all of these have to do with the expectations my parents ESP mother set for me. I didn't live up to her expectation of being a good feminine daughter. I didn't live up to teacher's expectation of me to be a conforming, obedient, feminine, non rowdy student. Heck they probably never had any expectations for me after they took back that 'small captain' title after I talked too much in class in year 1. Therefore I always blamed myself, if people dont live up to the expectation i set up for them or show any sign of weakness, i perceive them as weak and not forgive them. I have to be strong and not be weak and not stand up for myself is my act. I still so deeply resent the fact the aunties' daughter said that hurtful line when she was helping wash my hair and my father I perceive as weak and too oblivious to all this to protect me, when I was 10. i really remember to this day. But now it really is time to let go. so I am so happy that this year I am changing to be more feminine.
Then it got worse on Sunday, when I had a huge racket (aka annoyance) from Frank ordering pizza, when he said Parma ham pizza times Two, instead of two Parma ham pizza. The annoyance I felt was insurmountable. I thought it was just another crazy mood swing, but no. Only this instant, as I write this, I realized the reason I am annoyed by this. Whether it was me learning English when I first got to Australia to assimilate or learning Cantonese so Ruby can never laugh at me again. I realized that I am resentful of the kind of hardship I had to go through in life, or the hardship i perceived that I had to go through to adapt. Therefore, how can other people not have gone through the kind of hardship I've gone through and it's not fair that their English or expression is crap and still get to be okay in life??!!??
Then also I saw that I was extremely judgmental of coach's attire, hair cut. The boyish outlook. I meant, how can it be okay for girls to dress like that? All my life I have been told, this is not on, by other people!! I was torn, on the one hand I was extremely judgmental how she looks so boyish and I really didn't like it. On the other hand I was really guilty why I felt that way towards her because she had been so good to me. Q = selfish evil judgmental b****? You bet I felt that way.
I then realized that all of these have to do with the expectations my parents ESP mother set for me. I didn't live up to her expectation of being a good feminine daughter. I didn't live up to teacher's expectation of me to be a conforming, obedient, feminine, non rowdy student. Heck they probably never had any expectations for me after they took back that 'small captain' title after I talked too much in class in year 1. Therefore I always blamed myself, if people dont live up to the expectation i set up for them or show any sign of weakness, i perceive them as weak and not forgive them. I have to be strong and not be weak and not stand up for myself is my act. I still so deeply resent the fact the aunties' daughter said that hurtful line when she was helping wash my hair and my father I perceive as weak and too oblivious to all this to protect me, when I was 10. i really remember to this day. But now it really is time to let go. so I am so happy that this year I am changing to be more feminine.
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