Xmas Greetings!

Dear Friends

It's the festive season again! Doesn't time fly when you are having fun??

Wish you and your loved ones a very merry Christmas and joyous new year!

I would also like to beyond the usual Christmas season 'niceties' and take the opportunity to share with you my journey this year, because it's important to me that you know what is going on with my life; but also because I want to thank you for your contribution to my life. I may not have expressed explicitly, but I really appreciate your presence in my life in one way or another, even if we may not see each other frequently.

In 2012 I have been on an amazing journey of self discovery through life coaching (as a coachee and perhaps en route to be a coach myself soon lol), and here are some breakthroughs I have gotten which I would love to share as my gift to you, my dear friend.

One of my favourite quotes is by Deepak Chopra – The past is history, and the future is mystery. This moment is a gift, that is why it’s called the present. Over the years I have frequently regretted not being more active and “out there” in areas of my life, be it work, relationships or elsewhere, participating more fully or getting to know each and one of you better, than hiding in my shell as I once did.

However, I have now come to realise that there is simply no better moment than THE NOW, this very moment, with air passing through my diaphragm, my nostrils, fingers tapping away on the keyboard, to be alive and breathing. Instead of regretting about the past, or fretting over the uncertain future, or wishing my dad was Li Ka Shing or resenting the shocking markets, the most ALIVE way of BEING is to be with the moment, and be with my circumstances, no matter what they are.

You know somebody wise once said to me, “Life happens the moment you say yes!!” It is so true, have you ever wished you did something but was stopped by your own fear, thoughts, perfectly sound ‘reasons’ of not doing, or other people’s opinions? You know, the moment I decide to give up the reasons my head was generating, get off the sideline and really get on the court to play the game that is my life, THAT VERY MOMENT I commit (say “Yes!!”) to do whatever it is I’m doing, is the moment I become alive. And that made my life so fun! As a result, 2H12 has seen me do some crazy fun stuff such as, on Random Huggers Day (a global phenomenon started from the UK 10 years ago), hugging about 80 people in 2 hours in Central HK, where I let go of my fear of being embarrassed and looking “bad”, to really be out there and spread the love and energy through my hugs; or participating in and tripling my pledged amount of fund raised in a 4km bare foot hike for poor students in China. And to my latest declaration to run a marathon by Dec 2013, I don’t know how I’m going to do it, I don’t know where in the world I will do it, but I am committed and will make it happen. For someone who couldn’t run continuously for more than 5 minutes 6 months ago, you would understand how many perfectly legitimate‘reasons’ I had to battle with to come up with that one, lol.

So, my dear friend, my point is, knowing what bold, compassionate, confident, loving, and unstoppable human beings that you are, I wish you a very happy, fulfilled and extraordinary life! Enjoy and LIVE THIS LIFE to the very fullest, from moment to moment, and get off the stand to witness and judge, but really, be on the court to play the game!! Remember, Life happens the moment you let the fear go and say yes!!! So, what say you???

Last but not least, life really is a lot of fun when you are "out there", do something you wouldn't ordinarily do, love like you haven't before, and most importantly, have the freedom to be fully self expressed! On that note, I wish you and your loved ones a very joyous, healthy, prosperous and fulfilling 2013!

For those of you who may be interested in the amazing coaching program that I participated in, it is called the “Landmark Forum” and is available worldwide. Please feel free to reach out to me if you would like to find out more. Don’t worry, the shameless plug here only comes out of my love and care for you to benefit from it, like how I did, not the imaginary toaster that I get by recommending it to you. ^___^

--

Warm regards,
QY Zhou
+852 69068823

I WANNA LIVE!!!!!

I have been dangling in the air of uncertainty and disempowerment for the past month, and in work, esp the last week. Report is done and submitted to counsel and I'm just fking around wasting time.

Coffee w C, and she commented I really need to find my passion, and once I find my passion, I will be so driven and then things will fall in place. She's so freaking right. I am like a headless chicken, so unlike my M days.

Then T needed a clearing before her interview. I was really trying to get her to be present to her emotions. Why the f she's wasting time fretting about the old balding guy who clearly doesn't give sh** about her, and risking her and her family's LIVELIHOOD?? Who is she really going to be? Not trying to 'sound' a certain way in the interview, but really enroll the other party into her dream of achieving that goal.

BOLD, CONFIDENT, ENROLLING, PASSIONATE AND UNSTOPPABLE!!!

Then I looked at myself. Who the f have i been wasting time being?

Lazy, fearful, scared, undisciplined, apathetic, DEAD.

Seriously, enough of this sh**.

All well and good I'm good at talking, and having enrollment conversations so others can have a better life. But what about myself???

DJ, standup, coaching, singing, research, I really don't give a sh** what it is. Just lock it down and RUNNNNN FOR IT. I spend so much time

At the gym today I realised I paid so much attention to men in blue shirt today cos I saw old colleague V in blue shirt so I was a bit conscious. The mind really works whatever it puts its mind to. What am I really conscious about? Probably keep on thinking about running, but I'm continuing to eat crap which does not help the situation at all. and as a result, my weight loss progress is stagnating, which is even worse cos that's pretty much all i think about these days.

So questions I want to ask myself are:

- WHO ARE YOU REALLY GONNA BE?
- WHAT IS YOUR DREAM AND WHAT ARE YOU COMMITTED TO?
- WHAT DO YOU OFFER TO THE TABLE THAT IS SO AMAZING THAT MAKE YOU THE PASSIONATE PERSON?

I am bold, compassionate, confident, loving, unstoppable?

Am I really? I need to have the internal voice yelling at myself, be the FIRE THAT I WANNA BE.
BE THE UNSTOPPABLE 85 BROADS YOUNG WOMAN!
BE THE CITIGROUP BUSINESS AWARD WINNER!

BE THE BOLD, FEARLESS, CONFIDENT, CHARISMATIC, ENROLLING, UNSTOPPABLE HUMAN BEING THAT I ONCE WAS!
I HAVE IT IN ME. TAKE IT OUT RIGHT THIS FKING SECOND!!!

At the end of the day, it comes down to the fact that I'm not committed, I'm wavering. I'm wavering whether to stay in my own sector, or do something else. Stay at this job or the next. Whether I'm good enough to cover a sector myself or not.

I want to dance, but I don't even go to classes. I went to one high heel, then gave up. I am not constantly present to what I'm committed to, then how can I succeed?

So here, I declare that I am committed to:
- BE THE BEST FKING COACH THERE IS TO BE, AND THAT I CAN EVER BE.
- BE THE BEST FKING EQUITY SALES AND INVESTMENT ADVISOR THAT I CAN EVER BE, SO POWERFUL, SO RELATED THAT I REALLY SELL WHATEVER I WANNA SELL, LIKE HOT CAKES OUT OF THE OVEN
- BE THE BEST FKING PASSIONATE, LOVING, DEVOTED, COMMITTED, CONFIDENT PERSON THAT I CAN EVER BE.

NO NEED TO BE SORRY, NO NEED TO BE LOW SPOT. I AM ON THE FUCKING PEDESTAL!!!!!

I WANNA LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Reunion

What is your message for the Class of 2002, ten years on (to be displayed at the Reunion)?

In 2012 I have been on an amazing journey of self discovery through life coaching (as a coachee and hopefully en route to be a coach myself soon), and here are some breakthroughs I have gotten which I would love to share as my gift to you, my dear classmates.

One of my favourite quotes is by Deepak Chopra – The past is history, and the future is mystery. This moment is a gift, that is why it’s called the present.  Over the years I have frequently regretted not being more active and “out there” in areas of my life, be it work, relationships or school, participating more fully or getting to know each and one of you classmates better, than hiding in my shell as I once did.

However, I have now come to realise that there is simply no better moment than THE NOW, this very moment, with air passing through my diaphragm, my nostrils, fingers tapping away on the keyboard, to be alive and breathing. Instead of regretting about the past, or fretting over the uncertain future, the most ALIVE way of BEING is to be with the moment, and be with my circumstances, no matter what they are.

You know somebody wise once said to me, “Life happens the moment you say yes!!” It is so true, have you ever wished you did something but was stopped by your own fear, thoughts, perfectly sound ‘reasons’ of not doing, or other people’s opinions? You know, the moment I decide to give up the reasons my head was generating, get off the sideline and really get on the court to play the game that is my life, THAT VERY MOMENT I commit (say “Yes!!”) to do whatever it is I’m doing, is the moment I become alive. And that made my life so fun! As a result, 2H12 has seen me do some crazy fun stuff such as, on Random Huggers Day (a global phenomenon started from the UK 10 years ago), hugging about 80 people in 2 hours in Central HK, where I let go of my fear of being embarrassed and looking “bad”, to really be out there and spread the love and energy through my hugs; or participating in and tripling my pledged amount of fund raised in a 4km bare foot hike for poor students in China. And to my latest declaration to run a marathon by Dec 2013, I don’t know how I’m going to do it, I don’t know where in the world I will do it, but I am committed and will make it happen. For someone who couldn’t run continuously for more than 5 minutes 6 months ago, you would understand how many perfectly legitimate ‘reasons’ I had to battle with to come up with that one, lol.

So, my dear classmates, my point is, knowing what bold, compassionate, confident, loving, and unstoppable human beings that you are, I wish you a very happy, fulfilled and extraordinary life! Enjoy and LIVE THIS LIFE to the very fullest, from moment to moment, and get off the stand to witness and judge, but really, be on the court to play the game!! Remember, Life happens the moment you let the fear go and say yes!!! So, what say you???

For those of you who may be interested in the amazing coaching program that I participated in, it is called the “Landmark Forum” and is available globally including Australia. Don’t worry, the shameless plug here only comes out of my love and care for you to benefit from it, like how I did, not the imaginary toaster that I get by recommending it to you. ^___^

The luck for 2013

Saw si fu T yesterday to get a run down of my luck for 2013. Here's the storyline:

• job - will change firm / location one time for sure between Feb 4 2013-Feb 3 2014
• more money, less hours but i won't be as happy
• so should try to work for as long as possible and last til at least Feb 4 2013
• Key takeaway is try my best and anything beyond -> don't fret
• If i don't want to leave, then in 1st - 2nd week of May take 4-7 days and go somewhere warm (or after 15th April), 4D3N, but best to go in May
• Alternatively go climb a high mountain in HK - the higher the better, on both days, walk myself, no cheating with cabs!

- I will have a covert positive energy helping me next year, releasing itself when I need help. So next year I can afford to be a bit Bold. Will have a side business / side job, but not full blown career.
- Best month next year - from May onwards (including May)
- Jun - to improve luck, best do some dragon boat, or less effective is to go to Macau on a ferry or a boat cruise for a weekend (fri night and sunday back)
- July, go somewhere really far - parents or close friends (Russia / Middle East), at least 8-9 hours flight (7th Jul - 7th Aug is bad for my foot)
- Relationship - Mar and Dec are particularly good
- For dates, go to north (上水) or anyone with watery names, locations itself is more important (tianjin, shanghai, causeway bay, shamshui po)

 

Calls calls calls

I made a request to my dad to call me every morning for 2 mins. to say he loves me haha!!! yes i'm so demanding! i made the first call on monday though. his story has been i'm always too busy and impatient to talk to him. that's clearly gonna change!

this morning i started to share how i'm applying landmark to deal w crisis at work. i suddenly realised the reason he hasn't 'transformed', unlike my mother, is cos i haven't shared much with him haha. all my fault! not other people's!

--

Worked a near allnighter last night - til 4am on the model which i have been procrastinating on. When I was trying to reconcile the balance sheet to cfs at 3am, i was seriously resenting life and asking myself what I was doing, not doing life coaching or public speaking.

I then slept at 5am and got up back at work at 10am. I should have emailed J the boss to tell him that I will come in slightly later than usual, rather than for him to call me, which positions me as a bit passive.

I love my dad, and he's awesome!

Crashed at T's over the weekend and a d&m conversation with both G and T led me to really think deeply about my inhibitions and inability to get into a relationship. I kept on plodding and thinking and finally located the source, which appears to be my resentment for father's 'weakness' as I perceived. I was a jerk and kept on asking him whether he loved me and why he didn't show enough of it if he did. I no doubt know he cares for me a lot, but can't help but feel like sometimes he is so passive and values money much more than me (tuition costs that mother had to take a second job to pay for). Then when later mother got on the phone, she made it clear that HE WAS THE ONE who bought my first piano and my first ever computer (the old one in 1998). Also, he was the one who would go out of his way while on vacation to help me fix the sink etc. So I am very thankful. Grateful and Appreciative. I promised him that I will no longer take sides but rather, really love him wholeheartedly as I should.

Also A came over and we really talked, the depth of which we have never spoken before. It's amazing, the level of frankness in our conversation. Through that I saw that I was too insecure and prude to make anything out of anything by scaring guys away too prematurely. Also it is now clear that he was never interested in more than casual-ness. Guys are just like that, a bit of fun and not much else.

Had an argument with C yday, cos she thinks im not willing to help her, just like the old times when i was jealous of her achievements. however yesterday what i said was i have to go meet A in 10 minutes. i did not have any natural attitude of pushing back. but she was very emotional which i don't blame her. i 'm much more at ease now cos i don't feel like the need to please other ppl and get them to like me. She shouted at me for not helping her due to a misunderstanding. in the past i would really try to bend over backward to make her see that i really want to help her and its' misunderstanding. now, after i explained numerous times and she wouldn't listen, i let it rest, cos what happened is what happened. i don't need to make it mean about i'm not good enough or being rejected by her.

So what I care most about in life?

Mum told me she and dad had a big fight a few days ago, and they, as usual, in fear of "jeopardising my mood in a period of tough times". This morning when I was speaking to dad, according to him, all is well cos they are talking again. I know it's not and for the first time, I feel very helpless because I'm not there for them.

I'm here but not there. I now finally know how T feels all the time with her kids.

Dad was saying oh don't worry about us, worry about work. But to me, the most important is family. According to dad, mum never recovered from the cousin incident. I really want to call him and make him aware of the impact of his actions.

My list of problems:
- I'm here and not there. I'm here but my mind is elsewhere
- It occurs as impossible to me, therefore I procrastinate
-


From hereon, each day I will think of 5 past achievements I have done and empower myself that way.
1. calligraphy - won award when I was 5
2. co-founded 85 broads in unsw - organised 200 people event
3. organised donation to Nepal
4. organised donation to Bare Foot
5. piano competition winner
 

Occurring vs being vs acting

I attended last night's session by Toni with one of my biggest breakdowns during my ILP. It went on to last for an hour or so, until she tore it apart with her larger than life humanity and 'bigness'.

My ways of being and acting is perfectly correlated with the way in which the world occurs to me.

So where is an area I'm experiencing the loss of power? Right now that's work. Since the boss left last Thursday, have been in a bit of a limbo to get myself back up again from a headless chicken but to very little avail.

1. Lack of power
- failure to produce work / deal report

2. The environment I deal with that
- covertly hostile
- threatening
- no one looking out for me
- I'm all alone
- I'm without guidance
- I'm without protection
- sniping

3. the way in which I occur for myself
- first word that came to my mind is WEAK
- flip flop, vaccilate
- don't deliver, always promise ie no integrity
- try really hard
- it's a struggle
- drowning
- useless, am ineffective, i don't make a difference

4. What are my disempowering ways of being and ineffective ways of acting?
Being

• resigned / PROACTIVE                                   
• scared / BRAVE, COURAGEOUS
• bitter / FIRED UP, PASSIONATE
• disempowered / EMPOWERED
• procrastinating / UNSTOPPABLE
• unhappy / HAPPY, JOY!
• weighs on my mind / LIGHT, FREE!
• pressured / FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION
• not self expressed / FULLY SELF EXPRESSED
• not free / FREE!
• resent myself, others / LOVING LIFE!
• demotivated / MOTIVATED, DRIVEN
• distracted, think too much / FOCUSED

Acting

• scared to ask for my responsibility / ASK FOR RESPONSIBILITY
• hiding / OUT IN THE OPEN, DECLARE!
• late to work / PUNCTUAL, ON TIME
• don't put in 100% / 100%!
• leave work early / WORK HARD!
• refrain from asking work / PROACTIVELY ASK FOR WORK

Occurring

• Difficult / NORMAL, NOT ROCKET SCIENCE
• Impossible / FUN
• Traps everywhere / LEARN NEW THINGS
• Opaque / OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE MYSELF
• Challenging / OUT OF THE SHADOWS
• Scary / OWNERSHIP, BE RESPONSIBLE, OPPORTUNITY TO SHINE

Conclusion - this task of IPO is now FUN, EXCITING OPPORTUNITY TO STEP UP, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY / OWNERSHIP AND BE OUT IN THE OPEN AND FREE! ONLY LIVE ONCE, I DON'T WANT TO HIDE ANYMORE, IT'S MY OPPORTUNITY TO SHINE RIGHT NOW. Now or never!!!

I don't want an almost certain path to past based future, an ALMOST CERTAIN PREDICTABLE FUTURE of... resigned, unproductive, fired! No!!!

The context I'm creating is I AM BOLD, CONFIDENT, EMPOWERED, POWERFUL, PRODUCTIVE, FEARLESS, UNSTOPPABLE. I will have this occurring as if it's real! It's my reality!

Bracket the powerlessness and WONDER what is possible. Sense of wonder into this area of work - what would it be like if I was a powerful and well respected analyst? Right now I play small, I play hide and seek. I AM COMING OUT!

HAPPY
CONSISTENT
PERSISTENT
BRAVE
BOLD
SECURE
COMMITTED
FEARLESS
UNSTOPPABLE!!!!

Allow myself to get in touch and see what's important to me as a human being?
Feel respected, loved, free, fulfilled, PLAY BIG!

I can continue to hide in the dark, feel trapped, hate myself, leading to an almost certain predictable future or I can play! I'm gonna freaking playYYYYYYY!!!!!

What am I re-creating as the occurrence?
CONTRIBUTING AND MAKING A DIFFERENCE!
The future I'm committed to is to make a difference. It's not about ME making a difference (that's my identity talk), it's about MAKING A DIFFERENCE.

"It's hard" only arises in language. Nothing more.

Q, who you are for me, it's your word.

Houston, we've got a problem

Weekend 3 was so powerful and phenomenal that I came out of it feeling very inspired, enlivened and alive! Out of it, this Mon, I had a talk with the big boss in lieu of the crisis at work. I had so much energy and was so keen to contribute that he was very impressed and said we need more people like me. After weekend 3, I decided to run for it by the end of this week. But today, I had a breakdown. Major one. In fact, last night, when I did the phone assist. It dragged on to 10.15pm and when coach B asked me to wrap up the call with C's friend N, I was reactive and had a go at her. Like a petulent child. I am not proud of it, but was quite aware as I went off.

Then this morning, as I realised, hour by hour, that there simply no way I could pass part b of PNP. I had a major breakdown, the biggest I have had in past 3 months I think. Although I realised I can't blame Landmark for shit that happens or the fact that I can't get things done or I love to make myself wrong, I just couldn't control the frustration I was feeling.

The task occurs as such a giant impossible task to me that I feel compelled to have to drop everything I'm doing now to complete it. As a result, I lose integrity on everything else I'm doing in life and I resent myself, make myself wrong, and make anyone else in my way wrong too. I wonder why it occurs as impossible to me, perhaps school summer holidays, where I left everything to the last minute and end up having to cram cram cram.

Ditto for everything else, eg piano exams, running for candidations. It's a mirror. Damn right. Reflecting everything that is wrong with me.

I need to stop running, just be.
 

My circumstances are perfect!

i go into tonight's format with a racket already. i didn't know we have the rc format. i would've pushed for someone else, now i have charlotte and jim. who are quite shy. regardless! my circumstances are perfect! i will run them! not the other way around so they are perfect for me!

i had a mental breakdown the exact moment you came in this afternoon to chk on us with your mug in hand. i kept on thinking i always try to do too much. and that was exhibited in me sitting in your mock this afternoon and then nearly failing my test, if not for bobo's hints. even though i eventually passed, i only made it to my 5pm conf call with the skin of my teeth. it's such a shame i consistently cause unnecessary stress to myself in this manner. I'm really bothered. i'm really annoyed. most importantly, i'm really exhausted. and i'm done with resenting myself.

That's what I call an amazing day!

C told me she finally got the breakthrough she wanted (without coming to LMF yet!), work is just work and no longer running her life!

T told me after 2 days of her knowing that one of her girl friends who I had a chance conversation with on Halloween night does not like me. T sat on it for two days cos she was afraid that it would hurt my feelings. In the past as I would feel insecure, I would really care and want to get validation by getting everyone to like me. However today, when T told me, I really felt nothing, I said, "oh ok that's too bad. I wonder why that's the case, I must be not very related to people, I will work on that in the future." On the way back up to the elevator I was slightly upset for 3 minutes, but got off it very quickly after. Already okay by the time I got back to my desk.

C bought me lunch such that I didn't have to go out to buy, I was rushing deadline today.. Feeling very loved!

And you know the best part? Yes, I haven't come to that yet. It is, the fact that I woke up with 4 hours of sleep, feeling like a zombie. But the moment I was in ICC ready to go up the escalators, I had a flash of thought. It was that, I am so happy to be breathing, to be alive! It's fantastic feeling! As a result, my energy level throughout the whole day was very high and I was positively happy! Not that tired at all.

Your world is HOW the world OCCURS TO YOU. That is ALL. Nothing more!

Your life can be as miserable or as happy as you make it to be. I made my choice this morning, and it turned out fabulous!

于万一 & one inch

T was nice enough to pass me some chinese soup and when she gave it to me, she appeared quite down. I asked the reason and she said it's cos her guest number is down to 3 and she associates that as failure and disappointment. What I got, and it's always easier cos I'm the bystander, is that, she started from zero, and to get to three is amazing! Also, as I talked it out, I really saw that it's the process of us being fired up and play full out for something we believe in! It's like really living life, with such full enthusiasm and fire, for the first time!!!

Last night's intro and Last sat's my home intro both generated 0 registrations despite having 4-5 guests each time. Initially slightly disappointed but then I had a realisation.
As I thought it out, I really saw that it's the process of us being fired up and play full out for something we believe in! It's like really living life, with such full enthusiasm and fire, for the first time!!!

IT REALLY IS NOT ABOUT THE END RESULT. 10 REGO, 1 REGO, 20 GUESTS, 1 GUEST! WHO THE FK CARES!
IT REALLY IS ABOUT THE MANNER IN WHICH WE PLAY!
THE DEFIANCE AND FIRE WITH WHICH WE LIGHT UP OUR FIRE!
THE RELENTLESSNESS AND RESOLVE WE HAVE TO JUMP THROUGH THE HOOPS, POTHOLES, TRAPS AND BURDENS THAT WE GO THROUGH TO DO WHAT WE BELIEVE IN!
Yes there probably is 99.9% chance that it won't achieve target by friday. But it really doesn't matter!!! Because even if I know there is only 0.1% that I will pass, I will fight for that 0.1% chance! I want this new me!!!!
Any of you ever watched that movie "Any Given Sunday"? The football team coach Al Pacino is giving a speech before a game to motivate the losing team. You will get what im talking about.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO4tIrjBDkk
"We can stay here, and wait for the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way out of hell, one inch at a time."
"i know, that if i'm living, i'm gonna be willing to fight or die for that inch"
"and then you look to the next guy, that someone who's going to fight for that one inch with you!!" (YES, ME, MY ILP18 CLASSMATES!)
It also reminds me of this Chinese spy movie, 风声. The two spies trying to liberate China from Japan were willing to risk their lives, sewing the messages on their underwear, and willing to die for it, just so there's a tiny tiny far fetched chance that someone could pick up their clothing off their corpse and encrypted message from their bodies because only corpses could leave that prison.

国家已到了存亡之际,我辈只能奋不顾身,挽救于万一.
now it's not the country, but myself. my stand.
My life, my purpose, my passion, my vision, my stand.
Now who's coming with me to fight for this one inch so we come out living??

Zombie and it's perfect!

I woke up feeling like a zombie, had 4 hours sleep. Then as I was coming up the escalators in ICC I realised how amazing it is to be alive. Just to breathe, even if it's through slightly blocked nostrils, the touch of my forearm on the desk as i type this, the touch of my finger tips on the keyboard, the opportunity that many does not have to have this education and do what they want to do.

Therefore I choose to embrace today with smile, a run. An affirmation that life is perfect. Because I make my circumstances, and be with them. Not let them make me.

Operative practice:
Structure:
- time to arrive
- time to stay til - important distinction at end
- eat beforehand
- come with open mind, clear mind, leave aside worries for the time duration
 

Marathon woman

Life starts the moment u say yes, holy blah... Thien got me to say yes to something and 2 seconds later I was like... Holy crap. Did I just say that?

Her guest at intro said he will do marathon in nov 2013 in a bid to improve his health and she said she will support by doing it too. And guess what?!??? My idiot brain blurted out I will do it too hahahah

U r talking abt someone who couldn't run for more than 5 mins 6 mths ago. Only at 8km now...

A true leader is

You lead and others will follow. I feel so very empowered today because last night, I have exhibited a side of myself I didn't know I had before - charisma and leadership.

Essentially the class seemed quite unmotivated and I stood up to share about my experience from the day before, to go from passive and someone causing my life (Betty, by pushing me to run for candidation, to doing it myself). I really get it now, by the end of last night's class that no matter how silly the game, the point is to play full out (as John said, life starts the moment you say yes, and get on the court to play!) and once you start playin full out, your full being will shift and become this new charismatic person loving life! And the more you do it, the more empowered you feel, and the more you would want to continue this positive cycle!!

By me standing up, for the first time in my life I am the cause in the matter. I am leading and the rest of the group is following! This is so different to the me in AC where I sat back and watch everything unfold like a bystander!

The power of being I AM MY WORD

This new thing of I AM MY WORD feels so POWERFUL and EMPOWERING because I have never lived my life like this before!

It really was a miracle that I passed QnA yesterday. In fact, until yesterday afternoon, I still felt like the set out plan of
Thur QnA
Sat 2 assist - phone and intro
Mon 1 assist intro
Wed PnP mock
Thu PnP mock
Fri Format mock
Sun actual intro

Is madness, impossible, and more importantly, WHAT'S THE POINT? Why did I need to push myself so hard when no one else is doing it? When it occurred to me as impossible? Isn't work more important? All these reasons, all legitimate reasons.

But with this first obstacle done, I am extremely happy and empowered.

Yesterday was such a tumultuous and stressful day. The QnA which occurred to me as impossible, as I barely did up to Q17 the day before, the draft to boss that was due at the end of the day, coupled with the drama of having to listen to C for nearly an hour because of another relationship crisis. I was barely functional on 4 hour sleep, and kept on thinking to myself what is the point of pushing myself cos no one else in class is accelerating like I am. And as I was pacing up and down the dirty fire stairs in LEHK office, trying to stuff every word into my brain. Even as I placed my palm on the notes against the wall, trying to underline, memorise and muttering under my breath, my internal dialogues kept on shifting in and out of "yes i can", "no i can't!", "yes i can", "no freaking way!" Also, that moment, I resented myself for being so ill prepared and in this embarrassingly toiling situation, H, M, and even my buddy T have all completed. This was so reminiscent of my uni days where I leave everything to the last minute and while my friends all came to Law exams with ease and grace, I was still writing up notes, hoping to jam it all into my brain. Oh the toil! Oh the last minute rush / stress I always unnecessarily impose on myself! This is just a reflection of my being. Wipe that away please!

Finally at 9.20pm, the IL G pushed me to start. I was struggling a fair bit as words I clearly memorised just became blank spaces instead of pouring themselves out. I had to do a second time because I was stopped by two questions that were really similar. Had I paid more attention to really distinguish then I would not have had the issue.

--
What's even more amazing is really my ability to not react and take things personally. Had another conversation w C again, where she, after scolding by her boss, was shouting at me, blaming me and GJ for not caring about her work. Having somebody say f this f that to me at 8am on the train was not pleasant, but instead of just getting angry at her which I probably would before, I was calm and able to tell her to 1) calm down and 2) not use the vulgarity with me because it doesn't work. I was not this authentic and straightforwardness and no nonsense before.

Also, I was not afraid to say truthful things to her (advice really, at least to me) that probably sound really annoying to her. But I made it clear that the context is I care, for her, her and her package, be it job and relationships and everything else. So I'm saying things that others wouldn't dare or don't care to say.

At the back of my mind, I am cognisant of the fact that I don't want to go overboard of giving my love and contribution freely like xmas candies. I love myself. Myself comes first.

At some stage I need to stop giving or just pause, and see who continues to give love to me and contribute to me even as I don't.

That's the hard bit cos to me, at this moment, it does not occur to me that anyone would. Apart from the occasional kind gesture from perhaps T. or the ILP coaches or participants.

--
Still I find it quite fun to as if have entered the LM candy store and picking up each candy as I tick my past bad habits off one by one.
RID OF bad temper, TICK!
RID OF being unloving, selfish BIATCH ass, TICK!
RID OF mood swings for no good reason, TICK! (semi)
RID OF judgmental, TICK!
RID OF inferiority complex, TICK!
RID OF resenting my past, TICK!
RID OF "i can't run for sh*t", TICK!
PICK UP running, TICK!
PICK UP excitement for life, TICK!
PICK UP being caring and able to contribute w/o asking for return, TICK!
PICK UP love myself more cos I'm worth it, TICK!

Still to rid of
- procrastination
- how sometimes things occur to me as impossible, I can never get rid of it entirely, but need to shorten the time of getting OFF it quicker

In terms of goals the only major thing I have left is lose the weight, it's stuck on me for long enough, time to rid of it!
 

I AM DETERMINED AND COMMITTED TO MAKE THE IMPOSSIBLE, POSSIBLE TODAY!

Have QnA mock tonight, am determined to pass and do it right tonight!

Am committed to prioritise work and get it done first!

Am committed to have veges only for dinner for the next two weeks!

Am committed to be empowered and be unstoppable in the face of no!

Am committed to block out the internal dialogues and have faith in the power of YES I CAN!

Running outdoor day

My email to idol H - i find it amazing i can express my admiration for someone else so openly...

 

i miss idol H!! tsk tsk hahahah... gosh last two wks have been amazing.. so many rackets, so many breakthroughs! you know that thing abt i try too hard to look good and not related to ppl? well that's certainly on teh change..

My friend Y who did LMF last wkend confessed to me that she could see the change in me in that, although I have known her for 3 years, previously I occurred to her as not very genuine - everytime I saw her, I'd hug her and be very warm in greeting without much substance to follow up. This is probably most people's experience with me in the past!!!! >,< (hopefully not anymore haha)

This was very eye-opening for me because I thought I was being friendly and these people never make effort to hang out with me!! I really see that this 100%/0% really works. Because previously I was measuring it with my own standard of 50/50% effort in hanging out with people. Yet, everyone's standard and judgment of 50/50 is different! But after the forum, she could see that I was really becoming genuine and really care for people, in my generous sharings (although to me, i was just doing a conversation, but probably because she can see the shift in my being which is much more authentic than previous 'garbage in, garbage out' approach in being with people.

i think all this started w you standing on stage and be a target for our rackets during AC! me now really is different to me then!! woooohoooo haha.. :PP thank you Hartly! *HUGZ*

3 shares for WE3

# 1 - Improved Quality of life

- I desperately wanted to improve communication with my parents because everytime i felt like i needed to pretend to be busy to get off the phone with my mother because i wanted to run away from her 'nagging'. Then afterwards I resented myself because I prided myself in having the 'best' relationship one could have with their mother. This was clearly inauthentic. I saw that i have not contributed enough to my family as I have been running away from my responsibilities. as a result I created the possibility to go back to Australia to be with my parents for two weeks prior to starting my new job to restore our relationship.

So basically when I was in Sydney I kept my schedule completely blank, and i told her that i'm not going to use whatsapp, fb, gmail but rather, just be with her. we don't have to speak to each other, we can just sit here and be, together. the first week was difficult as i still perceived her as nagging so we bickered. but one day as mother and i strolled down to the beach, i said, look, the way i have been communicating so far has not worked, and from hereon instead of listening from the space that you are nagging me, i will listen from the space that you care for me so much and you love me so much, so please nag away!!! she stopped walking and paused, a bit stunned, saying, oh, that's something different, i've been waiting for you to say that all this time, you know. I said yes i'm sorry but indeed it's better late than never!

Now, me and my parents are at the best we have ever been! she can freely tell me what she feels and i no longer run away. nowadays when i call her just to say i miss her, she'd still get very nervous thinking there's an emergency going on here which is probably one of the rare occasions i would call her in the past. Let's just say my breakthrough out of the AC is continuously evolving, the peeling of the onion doesn't stop! And the quality of live for the three of us has improved infinitely!

#2 Blind spot - didn't know that I was not related to people

I have gained so much over last few weeks and really realise what has shifted in my being. It's amazing cos one of the 6 friends of mine who did LMF last wkend, registered her best friend and bf into it last night, so i could really see that she's clearly benefiting from it. My other friend Y who also did it last wkend confessed to me that she could see the change in me in that, although I have known her for 3 years, previously I occurred to her as not very genuine - everytime I saw her, I'd hug her and be very warm in greeting without much substance to follow up. This is probably most people's experience with me in the past!!!! >,< (hopefully not anymore haha)

This was very eye-opening for me because I thought I was being friendly and these people never make effort to hang out with me!! I really see that this 100%/0% really works. Because previously I was measuring it with my own standard of 50/50% effort in hanging out with people. Yet, everyone's standard and judgment of 50/50 is different! But after the forum, she could see that I was really becoming genuine and really care for people, in my generous sharings (although to me, i was just doing a conversation, but probably because she can see the shift in my being which is much more authentic than previous 'garbage in, garbage out' approach in being with people.

#3 Being unstoppable where I otherwise would've been stopped in the past

So a few weeks ago Ross made me aware of the bare foot charity walk to raise funds for poor students in Guizhou so they can continue their secondary school education. This experience proved a huge breakthrough on several fronts because instead of my being in the past where I just donate a few hundred dollars and make myself feel good, I decided to really make a stand and do something completely different.

1) stepped outside of my comfort zone and did a 4km barefoot walk, which would've been unimaginable 6 months ago

2) I took a stand to rally a group of people together and pledged to reach a target of HK$5000 (subsequently raised to HK$9000)

3) Being unstopped in the face of lack of response

So I had about 2 weeks to raise the funds. On day 3 I had about HK$2000, and sent out email to about 150 friends and colleagues rallying them to either participate in the walk or sponsor us. Much to my disappointment I only got less than 5 responses by the end of the day. Whereas I usually would be very resentful for the lack of response, this time I caught myself and really got present to what it is I am committed. Am I still committed to raising the funds? Yes! Am I still committed to helping these students? You bet! So I decided there is absolutely no reason to take things personally, people may just be busy/scared of barefoot/forgot to reply, I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing. As a result I followed up with personalised emails and phone calls. Soon enough the money started rolling in. The outcome was fantastic, we had a group of 10 people, two dogs, and also managed to raise more than HK$14000, smashing my revised target of HK$9000. It was a very empowering experience because I learned to pick myself up again and move forward where I would've been stopped previously. As long as I remain committed in my cause and have faith in myself, being unstoppable in the face of no is a new possibility!

It's a happy day

Last couple of days have been a bit stressful at best, yet full of pleasant surprises.

R called last night to share w me her breakthrough w the guy she's been seeing. While she previously thought of him as a writeoff because he was non committal due to his circumstances to relocate, he actually had second thoughts and wanted to get back together and start something with her, or at least try it out. This is after she had an authentic and touching conversation with her, which definitely caused the shift in him to open up as well. When I spoke to her, I was so happy for her! I was so happy for myself as well, that my friends are able to take my contribution and create something wonderful out of it!

Now, for myself, I am still trying to come to terms w my feelings for A. I have realised increasingly over the last couple of days that it's definitely not him, but what I take my interaction with me to mean. I have CL to thank for this, cos she kept on saying she feels sorry for his height and think I definitely deserve someone better. Nonetheless, I took it personally that he sent me that email on Mon to 'stop email flirting with him'. I was first of all, not aware of the impact of my emails.

I have already established that I resent looking weak, be it myself or other people. Heck, I couldn't even stand people using poor grammar or being less than eloquent, although for these sometimes it very much depends on my mood. Therefore, when I look bad cos someone put me down or I'm in a 'inferior position', or perceive myself to be, I resent the person who put me there and resent myself too. With everything else I am okay, but just him, appears to be my zenmaster and as a result I want to snap at him everytime he says something that 'annoys' me.

Parents and LMF
So I tried to register parents into LMF on Wed night. I was initially so super excited until mum made it very clear that what they want is to chill and relax.

They are the final frontier to me being committed but not attached.

How to lead the field

Going to implement one hour each day to write down methods to improve

What is my potential?
What am I passionate about?
What are my interests?

1 hour of thinking about what can improve

THIS IS A ROCKING WED!!!

Last night's assist was fabulous, simply unbelievable!!! Guess what? A registered her bf and best friend! Y brought her friend and she confessed to me that she could see the change in me in that, although I have known her for 3 years, previously I occurred to her as not very genuine - everytime I saw her, I'd hug her and be very warm in greeting without much substance to follow up. This was very eye-opening for me because I thought I was being friendly and these people never make effort to hang out with me!! I really see that this 100%/0% really works. Because previously I was measuring it with my own standard of 50/50%. Yet, everyone's standard and judgment of 50/50 is different! But after the forum, she could see that I was really becoming genuine and really care for people, in my generous sharings (although to me, i was just doing an enrollment conversation, but probably because she can see the shift in my being which is much more authentic than previous 'garbage in, garbage out' approach in being with people.

Yday I had a call w Liza and she made me realize I'm so automatic in deprecating myself by put myself in a lower space than everyone else cos of inferior complexity, whether in life or with guys as well. You know I was a small captain in first wk of primary school, I got it cos I was managing the school bus order voluntarily. Then next wk, the teacher took it back cos I talked too much in class (too excited). I was never given any title theoughout school ever since.. I always had the story that I am a mediocre student at the back of my mind and I tried very hard in Australia to prove the contrary. I think that's my trigger point of I'm not good enough!! As a result I'm so automatic in turning down receiving love from ppl. Because I'm too busy giving. So exercise I'm doing these two wks is to find 5 things great about myself that I'm worthy of receiving rather than not deserving. I catch myself, I'm so automatic in offering help, I'm going to try lower that a lil these two wks and just more aware of my own act.

And just now, C said she will consider doing LMF because she can really see the change in me. I'm so overjoyed it's really very funny! This just shows that leading by words does not work, and action is the only way out. People only follow and believe you if they see you being your word, you shifting the paradigm will cause ripple effects.

---

There really is no better way to conclude the five things I'm grateful for each day exercise. Today I'm shifting the exercise to 5 evidences that I am good enough, I am perfect the way I am, I will find people who love me exactly the way I am!

All along I have been too busy in giving. I will try pause giving just so that I can see who continues to love me. I haven't been able to see, feel, who's giving to me previously cos I'm giving too much. I will be more in touch with receiving, receiving with grace.

I will be more open and receive what life has to offer me, and let people give more freely.

I feel so free today that it's the best wed in a long while even on 4 hour sleep!


 

draft

I understand completely what you are saying, omg i was such an awkward person in high school cos i moved over in year 11 where all the girls were like 校花, north sydney girls (sample grad is nicole kidman, the bucks stops here really). that prolly exacerbated the primary school syndrome. kind of why as soon as i came to hk i wanted a new start and bleach my past of being with uncool ppl. you know how bad it got? i literally cut all ties w unsw law crew i used to hang out w who i perceive to be uncool boring hk girls. seriously, so drastic and overcompensating for something in my past.

cos you allowed yourself to look vulnerable and ppl want to contribute to you!
omg i just cried a lot on a call w Liza cos we are talking about owning intro. and i realised i always give and never allow myself the opportunity to receive / look vulnerable.

so you know how i been doing that grateful exercise everyday? now i'm gonna change it to 5 evidences that i am deserving.. will struggle a bit haha. be cause if somebody gives me a compliment i will be, thanks BUT.... from hereon, no buts. just accept with ease and grace!

Why I like to be friends with pretty girls...

Haha now that the title has your attention...

I realized that the reason I am friends with all the pretty girls is that I had deep self deprecation issues since primary school. Meaning that, in primary school I always put myself low because I was a bad student in primary school in the chinese conformity sense and dressed and acted like a dude. The Class teacher put me down a lot because I talked too much. As a result I put myself in a lower spot than most people, I collapsed the story that I am not good enough with I have to put myself lower to be with people, for them to accept me. As B said, this has restricted my freedom of self expression because I feel like everything I say need to be disclaimed as this is not that important, but i just want to put it for your consideration.

So as a result of all of this, growing up I really longed to be with the pretty girls because they are the goodies goodies that they are the favorites of teacher in my childhood and favorites of guys after I grew up. In a sense I really want to be like them but don't know how to. Now I really see that and can be with myself and my past. Because the moment I still put myself down, it's the moment I am still collapsing the story that something happened with that I am not a good enough feminine obedient student. So the possibility from hereon is that I can still make new friends who are pretty but I don't need to feel like I have to surround myself with those people in order to self improve.

And you know the funny thing? Is I can pinpoint the exact moment me and all my good looking gf's first met cos that was the moment I decided this girl is so cool I really want to be friends w her hahahah... Rofl... Now the truth is out!!!

Read more: http://www.transformhongkong.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=breakthru&thread=102#ixzz2BOvgkYha

It's okay to be vulnerable

Had so many rackets (annoyances) over the last couple of days that I assisted in LMF. Started on sat, when I saw coach B cry continuously in the room and I felt that she was not doing her job of living up to the expectation of a coach, ie be strong, uplift the room's morale rather than dragging it down, as I perceived her behavior to be doing.

Then it got worse on Sunday, when I had a huge racket (aka annoyance) from Frank ordering pizza, when he said Parma ham pizza times Two, instead of two Parma ham pizza. The annoyance I felt was insurmountable. I thought it was just another crazy mood swing, but no. Only this instant, as I write this, I realized the reason I am annoyed by this. Whether it was me learning English when I first got to Australia to assimilate or learning Cantonese so Ruby can never laugh at me again. I realized that I am resentful of the kind of hardship I had to go through in life, or the hardship i perceived that I had to go through to adapt. Therefore, how can other people not have gone through the kind of hardship I've gone through and it's not fair that their English or expression is crap and still get to be okay in life??!!??

Then also I saw that I was extremely judgmental of coach's attire, hair cut. The boyish outlook. I meant, how can it be okay for girls to dress like that? All my life I have been told, this is not on, by other people!! I was torn, on the one hand I was extremely judgmental how she looks so boyish and I really didn't like it. On the other hand I was really guilty why I felt that way towards her because she had been so good to me. Q = selfish evil judgmental b****? You bet I felt that way.

I then realized that all of these have to do with the expectations my parents ESP mother set for me. I didn't live up to her expectation of being a good feminine daughter. I didn't live up to teacher's expectation of me to be a conforming, obedient, feminine, non rowdy student. Heck they probably never had any expectations for me after they took back that 'small captain' title after I talked too much in class in year 1. Therefore I always blamed myself, if people dont live up to the expectation i set up for them or show any sign of weakness, i perceive them as weak and not forgive them. I have to be strong and not be weak and not stand up for myself is my act. I still so deeply resent the fact the aunties' daughter said that hurtful line when she was helping wash my hair and my father I perceive as weak and too oblivious to all this to protect me, when I was 10. i really remember to this day. But now it really is time to let go. so I am so happy that this year I am changing to be more feminine.
 

You are weak!!!! Now go resent

now i really get the power of this.. the more i don't want to be something, the more i empower that context of the exact thing i try to avoid. the more i resent "weakness" ie criticising imperfections in people, eg bad english, dress badly, can't express themselves clearly; the weaker i become myself, entangling myself in this emotional nonsense. A just emailed me and go, stop email flirting w him cos now he wants to write a book w me and to 'keep it formal' cos we are now biz partners.

oh how i resent my own weakness. resent!!!!!!

黑口黑面

A brought to my attention that when I am with people I like, I am really excited and happy. But often times I don't smile and look really black faced and unapproachable. When I tell people to be 10x excited, sounded like a command more than anything. It was so funny because when I called her a few weeks ago, I thought I was being related in telling her to enjoy the course more etc, but clearly she told me yesterday that she was kind of wondering why I called her and kind of strange.

Gahhhh so much to learn in being related and be aware of the impact of my actions and facial expressions. Not finding excuses but finding the reason why I do it would be good!!

Toss out the reasons and be empowered!

At Zuma, despite being so awesome as QSY, i did have a mini breakdown that night cos i kept on asking dj to play gangnam song but they wouldn't. after 3 hours i realised, the circumstance was running me, i should've just danced gangnam regardless of the music and teach ppl (which i did shortly before i left cos i was so bored). I should be running the circumstance and not vice versa!!!

Also, today during lunch, I ran a whole hour for around 8.3km. Actually at the 30 mins mark I wanted to give up cos I had all sorts of little thoughts coming to me, including period, i'm tired, my legs are sore from kick boxing yesterday. Then I got present to what I was thinking and realised these were the exact reasons that were stopping me everywhere in life. 

im tired im sick im too lazy i don't feel like it theres always tomorrow my daddy is not li ka shing.

 

so this wk i decided to toss all my reasons out of the window and do the exact opposite to whatever reasons i thought of. key thing is not to let my life be stopped. feel very empowered afterwards! My thighs are slightly sore but regardless, I felt good!

Taking a little risk to make a stand. Is HOT

OMG i think i should work as a marriage counsel or mediator!!! I need to set the context for this, for me to even write this letter to you both is a breakthrough already! Now I'm really making a stand for you both, coming from the space of ruthless compassion aka in your face confrontation, perhaps some things i say isn't very nice, but i am being direct and hopefully helpful!!

Thank you to you both for putting your trust in me and speaking with me yday / today. Here is a laundry list of my listening, since you too are both not (yet) brilliant communicators of your feelings. I'm writing up this dirty laundry list you two both have for each other. I highly recommend you talk it out point by point.

From Cathy:

1. C, you need 安全感， don't want to be taken for granted. You think you are working so hard, and so feel very unhappy when GJ has these complaints about you. You feel like you are being taken for granted, because GJ doesn't show any appreciation, whether it's financial support or your moral support introducing him to buyside ppl or complains a lot.

a) C, you are focusing on the present, the NOW, the why is GJ not more supportive of your work / instead of just complaining about 'little things' such as being late, or not nice to people.

b) to this, I give GJ credit because he is thinking about the FUTURE with you. He clearly loves you so very much and he painted a beautiful picture yday with you inside it, as the mother of his children, where he clearly wants a loving mother, instead of one who doesn't care about other people (subordinates or people of lower social status eg cleaners / security guards etc). Something happened in his childhood which makes him react badly everytime someone is rude to these people, because he was once an underdog too. But of course, C you are not aware of your behavior, to you, you are so involved in your work and pressure that you are simply not aware of the impact of your behavior. Also, GJ hasn't shared his feeling with you, about his past and why he feels the way he feels (ILP17 revision please, dude!!!).

c) So GJ, you need to start applying Landmark and really tell her how you feel. So far, what you have been doing, is build up these annoyances and complaints and not telling her. You allow garbage to build up and then let it overspill the trash can. Then when it overspills, you react strongly and explode. Sound pleasant? lol.. so please, when you see something, communicate authentically and let C know how you feel. She really doesn't know what you are thinking until you tell her, no? We are not trained to be mind readers. Communicate timely, don't delay, and communicate fully. Don't useful hurtful words when you are emotional. Distinguish the fact and the interpretation.

d) Fact is, for the Derrick training incident, she let you wait 45 mins, she didn't know you were stinking from bball, she literally thought you'd just be sitting in the lobby play w your phone for the timebeing. Your interpretation was - she doesn't respect your time and doesn't care for other people.

When you reacted strongly on this or her being late in other occasions, because you haven't told her what you really feel about her being late (remember, she's not mind reader) then her interpretation is, "me, cathy zhang is working so hard to do well at my job, why do you, my bf, not appreciate me"???

that's really what she's thinking about, but given how much she loves holding onto her complaints about you and not telling you, as you do holding onto yours about her, she hasn't told you that too. As I told you last night, GJ, girls, we may appear tough, but really deep down inside, we are all vulnerable and want strong shoulders to lean on. To her right now, she's just thinking when will be the time she can come to rely on you. Truth is, she doesn't want to be the b**** banker being rude to people all the time. The cathy zhang we love is still down there somewhere, just covered by the toughness and unnecessary aggression the banking world has piled on. To this, GJ, i think you really need to have compassion. And always listen from that cornerstone of listening - COMPASSION! Weekend 3 homework!!! you've done it, better revisit again!!! You need to make a choice, chocolate / vanilla, banker cathy or another cathy, once you make that choice, then you commit to accept who she is. Her job may be her package, comes with her. It's her job, but doesn't make who she is. She doesn't necessarily have to be aggressive and obnoxious. You can change her by accepting her wholeheartedly, instead of only picking and choosing bits you like about her and then disregarding the bits you don't. I put it to you, GJ, that, the moment you are finally standing up to take responsibility for your actions, and your promises, then she will also transform. We need to lead by example, that's how we can implement transformations powerfully. Which brings me back to the smoking example. Now, please don't react as I'm only stating a fact and not interpreting. I was very touched and inspired when you came to ILP18 to ask for guests for Celine and you said how you will transform by QUITTING smoking.

YET, only one or two weeks later, you gave up quitting smoking. You also quit ILP at the last moment. You may not know the impact of your behavior on other people, I was a bit disappointed given how inspired by you i was previously. Then I made a determination to really do ILP18 by the rules, and not waste my time, "UNLIKE zhu guoji," i told myself. Maybe it was my racket, but you certainly helped me in that sense. i put it to you, that if there is no change in you, you surely can't dream of changes in C. I know I have been talking about your quitting smoking on a few different occasions. Please don't take it personally and don't be mad at me. To be perfectly authentic, previously you said you wasted 5 months of ILP17 cos you were holding a grudge / racketing against the program, I actually realised yday that you haven't learned much from the program, or if you did, you don't apply it to your life. or your communication with Cathy. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but the reality is, whether you quit smoking or not, it really doesn't matter. WHAT MATTERS IS YOU ARE YOUR WORD, AND THE DAY THAT YOU SAY YOU WILL STAND UP TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF AND C, and then you REALLY ACT AND BE YOUR WORD, that's when you really become powerful and cause change in C.

Now to C, one of the key things that matter to GJ, and again, i give him credit cos he's really thinking about the future, is your health and wellbeing. He clearly doesn't want the mother of his children to be always talking profanity, or rude to others, or most importantly, in bad health cos always drink too much. GJ really cares for you and I can hear it from the way he talks about you, that he cares for your health and don't want you to have this crazy and unhealthy lifestyle of binge drinking. I know how you feel, you feel like in the presence of Ayaz/ Achintya or other senior ppl, you really have no power to say no to drinking or anything. Just like how I felt I thought no power to say no to big clients when they ask for s*x** advances, until I just make a choice that my self respect (or health in your case) is more important than anything else. But i put it to you that you do. You can make a choice whether to drink til you throw up (and really make GJ worried) or be responsible for yourself. You are probably not aware of the impact of your actions, he is worried about you. You also have him worried about the health of potentially your children in the future, do you now see that?

So, my conclusion is, you both clearly care for each other deeply, and what's present here is just a lot of uncommunicated thoughts feelings, rather than some impossible incompatibility So I hope you use this weekend to really talk it out and leave NOTHING UNCOMMUNICATED! whatever habits, annoyances, grudges, misunderstandings, i hope you talk out each one of them.

Cathy make you wait? always late? drink too much? you hate it? tell her!

GJ is irresponsible or complain too much or take you for granted? tell him!

lay everything on the table.

My prescription to you both, STOP REACTING!!! 发脾气/讲气话, and start talking! Stop withholding your complaints / grudges about each other, like a bloody vacuum cleaner holding onto garbage. Tell the other person how you really feel. And the moment something out of his / her mouth that you don't like, just pause a moment and ask him / her to elaborate why they say that, rather than throw back another hurtful comment to them.

My final word is, try stepping in the shoes of the other person.

How would you feel C, if your other half persistently say oh it's going to be another 2 mins, then turns out to be 20 mins or longer, almost everytime? or he stumbles home middle of the night then throws up on the carpet? How do you feel?

How would you feel GJ, if your other half is sleeping 5 hours a day and have all these crazy pressure for layoffs at any time, yet she always throws tantrums if you come home a bit late?

Pls start to relate to each other as human beings instead of the object who causes all your angst. You know you care for him / her, so don't assume they know, you have to say it!

I'm hoping to get more breakthroughs this weekend at the LMF, but think for me to even write this letter to you both is a breakthrough already! I'm really making a stand for you both, so hope it works out!!

Happy birthday for tomorrow mr GJ! May this be the best bday ever yet!!

There's no moment like now, so just enjoy the present

C just told me she may move elsewhere if she indeed break up w G, for a fresh start.

The moment I saw that text it was almost like the world came crashing down. I know I have said that before, leave HK, move home, or elsewhere. More like out of spite, out if resentment to make her sad or something. But the moment it came and I saw it, I was do upset. There was a heartache I can't describe, something on top if my heart and I found it much harder to breathe. It's amazing, the impact of something someone says. We used to think its okay to say certain nasty things, whether intentionally or carelessly. Yet each little word has such tremendous impact that we really are not present to it til it hits me in the face. Oh hit me it did.

Then as I got present to my sadness, I ask myself, what is different this time and why am I upset? I cleared the fact that I am just being selfish and seeing things from my perspective. If I am so upset just knowing she is leaving. Imagine how sad she must be, breaking up with the boyfriend, an potentially leaving me and a familiar environment. What I can do, I determined, is to be as supportive as possible. And be glad of what we had already. The friendship that won't die away because I will always have interest at the top of my mind.

----
Also had coaching call w Betty during my lunch hour dash to pure, my very last time I'm there. I have come to realize the three key things I am grappling with this week
1. I alway change things last min and unintentionally make people feel like they are not important
2. I am not present to the impact of my action and consequences. I am not present to how people feel when they are with me. I may have inadvertently turned away friends through the way I behave
3. Ilp and coaching call occur as hard work to me. Ditto Betty and speaking with her. I perceived myself as fine so don't need a call. Alternatively I perceive it as I am too sick and unwell and don't want to speak to her cos I didn't want to use my brain
4. Yet what I realize is that, in life, I am always stopped by my reasons, I'm tired, I'm sick, I don't feel like it, why me, can't be bothered, there's always tomorrow and my personal favorite is my daddy isn't Li Ka Shing. If I'm stopped by these silly reasons or excuses that they really are, they surely I get stopped by another task. There's no doubt about it

How to be stopped in life

Last night I was very present to the very reason I always get stopped in life. My bloody reasons!

I put off messaging T for a buddy call which was cancelled because I was tired and didn't want to speak to anyone and landmark occurred as 'too much work' to me. I put off what sapping B back abt what time Ye coach call is. The whole thing abt speaking to her (on the phone esp) just occurs as a lot of work to me and I just want to avoid it, not even sure why.

I always get stopped. I'm tired, there's tomorrow, why me, it's not fair, don't feel like it, I can't be bothered.

Fuck the reasons. I want to live my life!

Next time I want to give another reason, I'm going to do the exact opposite, and just do.

Always rushing, 疲于奔命，手忙脚乱，

Already always rushing.

Always rushing, 疲于奔命，手忙脚乱，
Overcomplicate very simple things
胡思乱想太多，sometimes I should just go and do it.
Make all these plans but when I get home just want to relax and laze and don't do anything
Without the drive I can't do anything.
Without the drive and integrity nothing works.

Just spend an hour sleeping, or an hour preparing my bag, clothing; clean my room

 

AC share

Contribution to others

- out of the AC, I saw that i have not contributed enough to my family as I have been running away from my responsibilities. as a result I created the possibility to go back to Australia to be with my parents for two weeks prior to starting my new job to restore our relationship. i desperately wanted to improve communication with my parents because everytime i felt like i needed to pretend to be busy to get off the phone with my mother because i wanted to run away from her 'nagging'. Then afterwards I resented myself because I prided myself in having the 'best' relationship one could have with their mother. This was clearly inauthentic.

so basically when I was in Sydney I kept my schedule completely blank, and i told her that i'm not going to use whatsapp, fb, gmail but rather, just be with her. we don't have to speak to each other, we can just sit here and be, together. the first week was difficult as i still perceived her as nagging so we bickered. but one day as mother and i strolled down to the beach, i said, look, the way i have been communicating so far has not worked, and from hereon instead of listening from the space that you are nagging me, i will listen from the space that you care for me so much and you love me so much, so please nag away!!! she stopped walking and paused, a bit stunned, saying, oh, that's something different, i've been waiting for you to say that all this time, you know. I said yes i'm sorry but indeed it's better late than never!

Now, me and my parents are at the best we have ever been! she can freely tell me what she feels and i no longer run away. nowadays when i call her just to say i miss her, she'd still get very nervous thinking there's an emergency going on here which is probably one of the rare occasions i would call her in the past. Let's just say my breakthrough out of the AC is continuously evolving, the peeling of the onion doesn't stop!

sentimentality and vicitimisation go hand in hand

i had a breakthrough as I was speaking with T on the buddy call this morning. Since last friday i have been in this emotional rut, friday had wild mood swings, yesterday was just bad mood and depressed due to miscommunication with work and other things. ditto with the intro's, everyone else has been very active in asking other ppl for help, i just felt like i dont' want to / can't be bothered / rather play my own game.

then as i was speaking to her, i realised, all my life, i love playing the victim. mother always told me to never rely on anybody, men particular. most important is to have my own money or be financially independent. that has stuck with me for the longest time, as a result, i'd rather help other people, than they help me (both men and women included). i'd be the firefighter all the time, and since i don't ask for help, ppl don't know they should take a stand for me, like bring guest for my intro, as i secretly hope, (without me asking). just exactly like my mother, now that i think about it. she'd rather contribute to her own family and be the stronger, than vice versa. Yes she feels stronger, but at what cost? i certainly know that, as i help others, i feel good, but i also feel lonely and helpless. when i need help, who is going to come help me? i feel like no one does, and the whole world owes me, partly because they wouldn't (when of course they would, but i need to ask, which i can't bring myself to). 

then when that fails, i then feel sorry for myself and play the victim, and get super sensitive, as i have for the entirety of my life. this sort of upset and sadness i have no explanations for. 

now that i am finally aware of my act, i feel very free. i should no longer feel constrained to ask for help. i need help, i ask for it. i don't have to be the strong person, i am willing to be weak and vulnerable.  

Feeling sorry for myself

I had coach call w B today. She said she could hear on the phone that I was so upset and sad. I don't even know why. Tears just kept on dripping as she talked. I was just so depressed. Starting last Fri, I had wild mood swings, and extremely pissed. Then today, I was depressive.

She then said the golden word, sentimental. Right on the money, I think all these years I hit the story that I feel sorry for myself.
I feel sorry for myself that my mother didn't spend 5 years of my most important years with me.
I feel sorry for myself that my father beat me so bad when I score poorly.
I feel sorry for myself that my father would always be fighting with his own mother, non stop.
I feel sorry for myself that all my relatives are jackasses that want to rip us off.
I feel sorry for myself that I am fat and unworthy of love.
I feel sorry for myself that my mother would never speak to me properly but would always shout (even though she sacrifices so much for me).
I feel sorry for myself that I am all alone, in this world, and no one understands me.
I feel sorry for myself that no one understands me and as a result I don't give a shit and let the misunderstanding drag on.

Coaching call -
Why am I so sensitive
Training me to be my word. Then have to exercise caution.
To be effective in comm, be too cautious of what I say, but listen to the person listening to me. If I'm listening intently, whatever I say is perfect.

Why am I overtly sensitive / sentimental. Easy to make others wrong then myself wrong. Or words come out and I'm so upset and feel like ppl don't understand. It is disempowering me.

What's our barrier.

Why am I so sentimental? I just need to be empathetic, not sympathetic.

Something in my past I'm not complete with. Unfair? Ppl don't know my pain?
Ppl don't get my love?

I tried to act very strong. Not cry when needle, yet what ppl say can easily trigger me.

Occurring of fam relationship to me.
Don't

What does it mean to be a woman?
What am I experiencing?

Still not fulfilled.
How do I see the world and how do I see life?

Stop doing anything and ilp and anything I'm doing. Now I'm in the mood of crap.

I need to do something. But everything in order to. Today just do my work. And go home and relax and watch tv to relax.

Being powerful, then don't have to worry abt being late.

Generate myself to be powerful. My confidence. How much time I spend analyzing and talking abt the task. Analyzing myself

It's auto, nothing's wrong. Observe myself. How others are seeing me. How do I do so ppl are not criticising me. If I believe in myself then whatever I do will be so powerful.

Playing the dog is just love, nothing in my space.

Time to change

The first thing I'd say today is I'm sick of feeling sick of myself.
Second thing I'd say today is I'm sick of surviving. Am going to be a winner and champion. Storm through this challenge and come out grinning.
The third thing I'd say today is I realised often times I say and do things that I'm not entirely aware of the consequences of. For instance, I said something about M's call to us for guests was hustle. Although in my mind I am clear that hustle takes guts and courage and not everyone has the ability to do it (particularly as last week I had such a tough time doing fund raising), however the perception it gave people was negative and I was not present to that. My first reaction as well, was very negative and wanting to tell everybody to fk off and leave me alone. If they didn't understand me, then fine, so be it. Another example is I was chatting w the colleague A and said he's got a rugby player physique (which he plays), then someone else senior walking past by chimed in that I was 'calling him fat'. Had R not chimed in, I would not even have gotten present to that.

This i realised, is my being all these years. If people don't understand me, then it's their problem, not mine. This of course, does not work in a societal setting where you have to work with everyone else, as a result I declare I will pay more attention to the impact of what I say.

Often times nowadays I catch myself wanting to make comments about people, their nationality, background, appearance, attire. everything, very judgmental. not factual stuff. I need to watch my tongue carefully.

630pm -7pm, this week to do qna
target 5x a week qna

Complete, email each other by friday. Shares homework - 5 benefits of
By end of this week.

Hold each other accountable
Keep on detoxing

Me - do homework in organised fashion and plan.

Michelle Obama - for Barack, success isn't about how much you make, it's about the difference you make in people's lives. DNC 2012 speech is truly inspirational.

"We can trust Barack to do exactly what he says he was going to do, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard."

In the speech she exudes poise, relatedness, and humility. I am committed to present my shares in such a manner from hereon.

In life I think we each have to face things we don't like, just like for ILP, i'm very good at enrolling ppl, ie sharing my stories and communicating. but very bad at being organised and plan things out, and as a result i hate it and have been procrastinating (my whole life i do things last min and that's why i'm always late)!!

for you, the challenge is speech and other common knowledge stuff, the ability to face the unknown and tackle them makes us better human beings! so good on you c! and good on me q! hahaha

It's a glorious Friday and I'm going out of my shell!!!

Fund raising reached 6000hkd, smashed my original 5000 target and now placed at 9000. Very happy but also slightly offset by the breakdown at work on tue when I clearly did not put enough heart into doing those charts. Lots of errors were made and boss gave me an earful.

I keep on thinking about what could be? What could be if I stayed at old firm instead of going to work w T and what could've happened to my own franchise if I stayed. At the time I was desperate to raise my own pay and I perceived the old firm to be ripping me off by capping my promotion track.

In hindsight I am still gratefulfor the opp to work with T and the deal exposure and what's happened has happened and there is nothing to be done about it but to waste my time hating, what is the point of looking back when there is no going back? No going back but moving forward to rock this world?

Things happen for a reason, and i'll just see it as a great opportunity to know myself to be this grumpy person who does not react well to authority. Good thing I discovered this at 28, not 58.

With what I have now, and what I CAN do, do it well. That's all that matters.

On the other hand, having breakdown on losing weight from. I need to regain the integrity back, and get back on the diet, be committed to pomelo or whatever diet plan I choose to do. Right now, it's ridiculous cos I can't be bothered slicing a grapefruit for each meal, it's messy and I'm too lazy and don't want to have sticky hands. Fk that! Bring the future of hot Q here RIGHT NOW!!!

I'm an asshole and a turtle coming back out of the shell

A few days of not writing and the high of second weekend and last fri's inspired to enroll has kind of worn off. I resent myself for a few things, not the least include:
- want to back out of my commitments all the time, back out of lunch in central when it's just M and K attending. My racket is i need to max out efficiency and really want to go to all the meals when the other ppl F and J are attending too. I perceive K to not be much of a contributor and as a result I perceive the lunch to be a waste of time. As for M, I can learn a lot by being with her, but I can organise a walk with her on sunday. There, I said it, although I think I can love animals and people more freely, I'm still stingy with my time and perceive / judge people on how 'useful' they are to me. I'm such an asshole. At least I've come to terms with that.

Also another mini breakdown.

This week after the highs of second weekend and fri's inspired to enroll appears to be a bit of a mini breakdown wk for me. I blasted out this email abt charity walk formally yesterday to about 50 colleagues and 100 contacts. And got about <5 a="a" and="and" anguish.="anguish." around="around" as="as" ask="ask" away.="away." back.="back." be="be" bit="bit" br="br" busy="busy" caught="caught" don="don" emails="emails" for="for" forgot="forgot" get="get" got="got" host="host" i="i" my="my" of="of" pissed.="pissed." ppl="ppl" present="present" proceeded="proceeded" prolly="prolly" reasons="reasons" reply="reply" responses="responses" so="so" some="some" t="t" them="them" then="then" they="they" to="to" walked="walked" was="was" whole="whole" will="will" yadiyadayada.="yadiyadayada.">
I needed to have a conversation with them anyhow to get any traction, just like enrollment conversations. So what has changed? Absolutely nothing. Email was merely my means to give info, rather than enrolling. So I'm gonna hit the phones today like a Wall Street broker and hustle like how it should be done.

I feel like I've gone back to my shell a bit this week. Afraid of looking bad, no matter. The turtle is coming back out to the sun again!!!!

Hustle like I mean business.

- also had breakdown with parents as they wanted to leave sydney later than I initially planned for them to (ie they want to leave on 24th pm rather than 23rd AM). Two key issues were sticking points:
1. Timing, I was frustrated and wanted to spend as much of my free time with them, yet them leaving later than I expected makes that difficult
2. Destination, I was initially intending on doing 8 days in thailand, when mother then said she wants to go to Singapore. Then and there I had a breakdown thinking why can't we go places where I want to go?? Then I got present to the fact that I was still very selfish, on both the destination and timing, I want things to go my way. Also, she did not understand the benefits of Thailand as she did not know because i did not enroll her into the beauty, great food and chilled out nature of the holiday.

When i explained to her the nature of how wonderful thailand could be, ie great food, beauty and attraction of a thai massage. she was very enrolled. so my point is, enrollment really works and needs to be applied everywhere.

Also - breakthrough on Mon
I was a bit of an asshole again on Sunday night when I rescheduled the coach call on sunday night to go to movies with a senior ex colleague N who messaged me as I came back from Tpe. If it was anybody else then i definitely would not have moved but my story is that N is very hard to catch and I really wanted to see her (and her friends who I potentially perceive as 'useful'). Seriously omg as I type this now, I am now more present than ever that this is my automatic machine, I value and judge people for who they are, how valuable they may be to me, what I can get out of conversation with them. Is there something wrong with that? No, it's just so automatic that I want to get present to it. Awareness is first step to enlightenment.

The thing with P
So on Mon night I finally had dinner w P who i've been wanting to see for a few weeks. We spoke about life, how she has somewhat recovered from grief and nowadays all that she is present to, is to get a raise so she can financially support her family and prepare for retirement from finance. I think the whole way I was conscious not to push her to do landmark however afterwards I had a coach call to ask HOW I CAN SPEAK TO HER BETTER than i did and trying to help her. Whatever B says always seems to push a tears button in me. She acknowledged me and said i care so much for my friends and that's why for my whole life my automatic mode is to try to help people. However what does not work is the fact that authentically I am judging the situation from the angle that there is 'something is wrong'. Her quote is "I can't stand her (P) going home and not being with people". She just hit a jackpot there. As a result, I always try to fix things. It's very constraining as I am like a rat on teh automatic wheel always trying to put out fires when they probably don't really need rescuing. In the meantime if people don't understand me, I get frustrated.

So, B told me to just be with people, and STOP DOING WHATEVER IT IS I'M DOING.
So I apologised to P for judging that 'something was 'wrong' with the current situation'.

There is nothing wrong, with her wanting to go home, nor is there anything wrong with her being underground w G for the last 18 mths or so.

Happy Thur! Pumped on 4 hour sleep!!

A lot of stuff to talk about today. Last night had my first intro assist at the LEHK office, T led and I brought C and C as guests. Both were interested although unfortunately timing conflicts with their prior commitments. Great thing is I was not disappointed at all because I know both benefited from the session and will be making a commitment to change their lives.

Hung out with B afterwards for supper, and she brought up this key point of being organised and really plan out my next 5 months. It's great advice because it's exactly the thing that I've lacked all my life! I have all these great thoughts in my head but I don't execute properly because I don't put a pen to paper on exactly what I need. Will try to go to her session of sales training - want to open my horizon!

Then I had a breakdown, I sinfully walked into 711 and bought (at 2 different locations) 4 ice creams! OMG such a pig! Plus a pack of spicy seaweed. Needless to say all that has turned into fat!!

Stikk.com is great for reminding me that if I don't run today I'll need to pay 200hkd again! WTF. I'm running! Despite on 4 hour sleep.

Possibilities I want to create out of today is to have 2 enrollment conversations - one w N, another w S to tell her that Nuskin really is not for me at this stage, but I'll invite her to Landmark if she's interested.

Also, will ask boss in town for coffee again, to do some team bonding. At this stage, I got a story in my head that he is not interested in catching up with me or getting to know me better and knock out a work plan for the rest of the year.

Grateful for 5 things each day #7: am grateful for stikk.com for whooping my ass running or risk paying money again; am grateful for K for coming to me for help, I feel thought of haha; am grateful for TT for a magnanimous intro, you've really let my judgments go; am grateful for B for pointing out my blind spot, i look forward to achieving results with good planning and last but not least for my awesome trader, one min conversation and your whole family is doing the bare foot walkathon with us!! Bravo thur!!!

--
So during lunch time I went down to buy roast chicken and on the way back I decided to call the shop and speak with mum. Surprisingly I got hold of my father and I told him that the reason I have not had much luck with men is partly my insecurities partly my self image problems. And him and my mother commenting on my

Then I realised how emotionally I react to father's comment that if I continued to be so fat, how close to 'crying' he would be. I realised how much I resented those three words, 哭出来, even as I heard it now, it's like someone is pressing my button and I didn't even know I had one. This is worse than calling me straightout fat. And of course, I got present to the fact that I should just let it go, and it's not what he said, but rather, what I make it to mean.

Big share here by me, about love. Actually just realised it during lunch..

So during lunch in ICC I was walking back up to wait for the elevator, I saw the security guards bringing out the sniffer dogs - spaniels I believe they are. It's very strange that I so proactively approach them and to play with the dog. Funny enough the dog was very eager cos I was holding roast chicken, sniffing away eagerly. But as I played and fiddled with its fur, chin and forehead, completely oblivious to the lunchtime crowd passing me by, I realised that moment that for the first time, I feel so free, loving, being loving and not afraid to show it. (Random huggers day started the flow of 'love', and the momentum just continued as I give hugs very generously and with much warmth and empowerment to all my friends everyday since Weekend 2 and very passionately try to raise funds for the barefoot walkathon this week). This really hit me, particularly as I somehow remembered what an evil teenager I was to my pet when I was about 13 years old, Carl. I became angry and jealous that he would always follow my mum everywhere, and ignored me that one day I just held him up and dropped him from a certain height that he injured one of his legs and needed to see a vet. I know, horrendous right! And as the vet was checking Carl up, he became so angry and said that this crime was punishable. I remember feeling guilty and hating myself for it but not knowing why I did it.

I think the root cause of  my jealousy, was that somehow I was so awkward a kid and didn't know how to love and perceived that I was not getting the love I deserve, starting from 7 years old, but being reunited with my mother at 12 clearly didn't alleviate it by much.

This moment, I feel so liberated and really glowing because I am a liberated woman and can finally see again!!! Love because I want to! Love because I have so much of it!!