朝鮮考察1

在朝鮮參加了商務考察團之後的感觸就是回到了30年前的中國。平壤市的建設頗為現代化，民眾的居住大樓很新。城市環境很注重綠化而且一塵不染。遇到的民眾素質頗高，有公德心和路不拾遺。當團友遺失了貴重物品如錢包和智能手機，即使不見了數日，仍然通過熱心市民找回。另外，當旅行團前往板門店（三八線軍事禁區）時，軍官都很友善和親切，很歡迎和遊客合照。羊角島酒店屹立在羊角島上，一個位於市中心的小島，距離平壤國際機場只有15分鐘車程。在酒店的高層可以俯覽鄰近的大同江和平壤全景，景色優美。在我們訪問平壤適逢大型國際摔跤賽事 －由日本參議員主辦，吸引了近20個國家的選手。大批國際媒體如日本電視台和路透社的記者也在羊角島下榻。

把時間留給沈澱

昨晚替牛頓見了一個地產經紀。在去翠華的途中我突然閃過一個念頭。N又沒有來訓練，反而在家煮飯。我突然發覺不時不做這個道理多麼準確。她到了想結婚定下來的年紀，而我還沒有。媽媽一直跟我說要定下來，談談朋友，而我卻老是向鴕鳥一樣把頭塞在沙堆裡。不想，不念，不做，不聽。現在身邊人都差不多結的結，定的定，我還沒有著落，好像自己是外星球派來的一樣。

不要到N的年紀才急了，後悔了。時間不留人。不要抱怨，要向前看。

我在這裡學到了什麼，要沈澱，要吸收，否則只是浪費了的光陰。

Day 1 of 90 days

Since watching the Secret on last Sunday, I have taken nearly a week to instil positivity and orderliness in my life. 

Tuesday saw Josie come to clean, for the first time in more than a year, I had a helper clean the apartment. 

I cleared out a whole large rubbish bag worth of expired food, including expensive organic beans, quinoa and also protein powders. Very wasteful and reminding myself to be FRUGAL and SMART saver, instead of saying do NOT to be wasteful. 

THE SECRET - FOCUS AND VISUALISE ON WHAT YOU WANT. INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. 

Yesterday was a low point in my life

Yesterday was a low point of my life. The bills are piling up, my bank account is less than 5 digits and my best friend and I sat down to discuss why I got myself into such a mess and how I can claw my way back out of the hole.

It was so upsetting. JC opened her notebook, and I remember saying, look I haven't had time to sit down to do the maths. I literally shut the book. She was furious cos of my attitude that I don't really give a crap and am wasting her time. In reality, I was embarrassed, ashamed and annoyed at myself and how I got into this mess. I still can't let go of my "banker" stature and wanted "face" (死要面子, as she put it).

Time to let go of the past. It is like cloud which has floated past already, and it ain't coming back.
面是別人給，架是自己丟。話講的很重，我就像被他媽的打了一拳。但是她講的一點也不錯，自己丟了自己的架。怪不得別人。

我這個人是好了傷疤忘了痛，馬上故態復萌。所以今天開始自己煮飯，出去盡量減少開支。

Be patient - pay off my taxes first, then pay off credit card, have 200k to last me 5 months and then I can definitely take off.

My vision!
Thinking too small, take this company public! I want to be top # in the company. I want to be its spokesperson to media.

忍一時之義氣，享萬代之功名。
我要諾貝爾和平獎！我要令朝鮮開放。我要光宗耀祖，讓好婆驕傲！

Going back to normal job and a dreary life is not what I am committed to! I AM COMMITTED TO FREEDOM, CLARITY, PERSEVERANCE AND UNSTOPPABILITY!

Am I here to make money? Or am I here to solve a problem to a pain?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOVTGyx3ZsY

Quick fixes and anger management

So I had to do an SOS call to JC, on recruitment events etc. When she said things along the lines of you have no idea of what you are doing, i was so agitated and raised my voice. This got me so present to the fact that I react to when people say I have no idea and I am very agitated. Also the fact that people don't give me quick fix solutions but rather try to give me pointers which i have no patience for.

This was interesting insight because later when I had to speak to R for 50 mins at 3am, I really realised my patience improved as I now know the importance of bu dong sheng se.

She has her posture. I need to have mine also. 

I sort of declared it, but they made it happen!

The last 24 hours have been truly amazing, with things happening at 1 million miles an hour.

1. JC & B actually flew to Singapore for the chance to meet with JR. And they made it happen. A most amazing miracle! High posture. When you have something that someone else craves for, they will do whatever possible to make it happen. When they don't give a crap, they won't even look at you.

So knowing the value of what you are carrying and what you stand for, is so important!

2. Having the vision of who you want to be is so important! Even if you are not yet there, if you are clear about exactly who you are and what you stand for, it is like nothing else matters.

I feel so powerless, almost every second that I am awake, about my fatness and how untidy and messy my house is. It is like the cause of everything that is troubling me comes from there.

I need some serious clearing, why am I upset? I am upset with an idiot I am and making myself wrong.
I need to just wake up and stop thinking and just do.

Structure in place
1. No food after 8pm
2. once a week just clean.
3. one day off a week - every sunday
4. once a week facial
5. sleep by 12am latest

山窮水盡，必鹹魚翻生

Kept on examining my cashflow situation and realised that I have borrowed 240k AUD from my parents for the damn apartment. Which means that I have pretty much not saved any money for the past whole year. Truly depressing and I really want this to be the one shot to make it happen. Yet at the back of my mind, I am afraid that this is the backfire I will experience because in the past I have so often relied on ONE SHOT saviors but that has never worked for me. Instead I need

WHAT AM I REALLY UPSET ABOUT?

Upset about the situation that I have no cashflow left. Stupid enough to leave myself in this situation. 

That I am turning 30 and in the most appalling financial situation I have ever been in for my whole life. 

That I am not a powerful leader as I said I am, but rather scrambling for cash and inauthentic.

What is my upset?

Thwarted intention of being abundant and rich. Scrambling and leaving my parents worried still. 

What is my commitment?

Be fearless, be clear, light and insignificant. 

EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY BECAUSE I SAY SO!

if i can't even make sure my apartment is clean and that i am on time every time, how can i say so about my finances??

Now until 1 Mar 2015 will be my time of saving power, saving strength, develop mental strength and endurance.

I can cos I say I can.

Tip #1 It is a lifestyle / passion!

Lyo is not a cashback card. It is not a shopping network. It is a lifestyle! It is passion! It is belief!

3 appointments a day cos you believe. NOW OR NEVER!!!

30 days count down!!! Let's go QY!

I am taking up doing daily blogs from today onwards. Today is exactly 30 days from 17th May. I am vowing to revamp the way I operate.

I have felt stuck for two months because of my financial situation, my failure to plan ahead.

So the shortcomings have been the following:
- being at the effect of things rather than the cause
- i always have the mentality that it will be okay and defer it rather than deal with it now, eg my student loan in Australia which I've left hanging, CMC cash withdrawal, Superannuation in HK, insurance policy in HK
- I am taking on being THE CAUSE

I feel stuck and as a result the following are being affected:
- I feel demoralised, small, making myself wrong
- I feel ashamed that after 7 years in banking, my saving has come to this
- I feel distraught that my bank balance went close to zero because of my inability to foresee and plan ahead

What I am now complete with is the fact that Lyoness is not supposed to give people quick money, it was merely my misunderstanding and overestimating my own understanding of this.

What I am complete with is that Lyoness will give people comfortable money in the long run, and it is now TIME TO RUNNNNNN!!!

Sulking does no good. What I WANT:
- freedom to spend what money I have
- freedom to do what I want to do
- freedom to help my family, right now that is just a nice thought but cannot come into actuality

What I am TAKING ON:
- to be unstopped! bold, fearless, persistent, brave, powerful!!!!!

Just get out of my head, and go do it!

Think of where to get the money, leave enough of a cushion. Let's go QY, let's go!!!

VANILLA, CHOCOLATE, CHOOSE!

Did a one on one training last night at KL's for E, who's slow and stopped by whatever he was dealing with. Afterwards had a long chat with KL, and as I was hearing her out on the friendship issues. And as I was trying to empower her into the possibility of choosing powerfully. I just realised I have been so rusty on this front.

Vanilla, Chocolate, choose! Give me the power to be with whatever circumstance that comes up, and choose powerfully. I choose my parents because I choose my parents. I choose myself, cos I choose myself. I choose the incident on 7th Feb because I choose it.

I want to be unstopped. Be a stand.

KL's feedback for me is that I am aloof and unapproachable. Unrelated to people and just up there to do my thing and don't really care where these people are at.

I think whenever I am exhausted, I go back to my old self which is I hate the world, and I hate all of you. All you fuckers so annoying, why can't I have whatever I wanna have??? LOL

VANILLA, CHOCOLATE, CHOOSE!!!

20120923

International random huggers day - 22 sept, 2012

Weird, crazy, strange as it seems to do this, even to the me from one year ago, I was left truly empowered by this experience. There simply isn't enough love and energy out there, and I write this to commemorate this little day I baby stepped outside of my comfort zone. For, everything I want is outside of my comfort zone. So I want to change, transform, and pass on the energy.

So this day was started from 10 years ago in London and has expanded globally.

Yesterday, about 13 of us went around central to give free hugs, and a free sticker afterwards.

I hugged about 70-80 people after 2.5 hours.

In the beginning I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable when many people saw us from afar and walked away, while my buddy the crazy German dude Frank was highly energetic and unflappable. I was mentally hindered. After 20 minutes I thought ok I've had enough of this "I'm scared of looking bad when people reject me" and stormed off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes in the IFC bathroom practicing my smile (yes sure there were people lining up looking at me weird but i was pretty oblivious and determined to do this 'right') during which my buddy was no doubt wondering what on earth I was doing. I felt energized, and positively ready to go.

First stop, Pret in IFC. This one I shall call Rock the House Hugs - I was paying for the juices when the HK shop assistant behind the pret counter was looking at my tee shirt. I proceeded to give him a hug across the counter after I offered and he said sure. Then the others behind the counter also wanted hugs. So Frank and I went around the side and gave hugs to a few more Pret staff who all came out of the counter area. Energy in the whole shop was lifted just in that instant. No doubt the customers were wondering what on earth was going on. ;)

Soon afterwards we were kicked out of IFC onto the IFC walkway for we were 'doing some promotional activities' whatever that means, followed by some interesting observations:

The overwhelming realisation F and I got were that people are so unrelated to and scared of each other. So many people strutted around wearing earphones, I must admit I'm usually a culprit myself, although truth be told in noisy Central or pretty much anywhere in urban HK how clearly you can hear whatever it is you are listening to, is anyone's guess.

- Some people don't hear you properly and automatically walk away and say no no. I'm just like that on the weekends I must admit. Time to let that fear of relating to people go, I told myself.

- People (myself included) are so sceptical and cynical and automatically suspect everything is fishy that we want no part of - "how much you want" we got asked a few times even when we assured them it was all free

- Some people say "I'm fine" thanks I don't need a hug. You see that word I have come to resent in past few months. In fact I get angry when I hear it. Fine. Life's not great, not extraordinary, but 'fine'. Complacency? Dream big, dream extraordinary, dream weird even, don't ever settle for fine. Cos fine, is what stops you from being great, from being extraordinary

- Surprisingly westerners we encountered yesterday were more scared of us vs hong kongers and most hurried along or avoided us like a plague. No worries, after this and LF transformation I've come to realise there is no need to take things personally, EVER.

- Sometimes people make anything up to get out of situations they fear of - I was most amused by an older Hong Kong man who I approached with my very broken Canto - today's free hugs day, would you like a free hug? He said no no I don't know. I pressed on and said "really? but do you know how to hug?" He said no no I don't know as he hurried away. Lol

Then there were some funny ones:

- Most Hong kong guys only want same gender hugs (ditto for their girlfriends or wives), as a result I got to hug my disproportionately high amount of female counterparts haha, as the boyfriends/hubbies no doubt didn't want their partners 'harrassed' by a "weird looking" German

- I learned how to switch channels very rapidly between mando canto and English, sometimes the other person spoke 'I don't know' in mandarin in which case I had to switch rapidly. We managed to capture some 'extra business' from many mainland tourists and some photo opps which Freaking Funny Frank needed some of my language ability to generate (*grin* with a proud look)

- Right in the middle of Queen's Road Central, when some People (mostly girls, and from out of town) would gush aww it's random huggers day. And here I truly need to thank my piano teacher for those sensitive ears where I'd do a swift turn and skipped and hopped towards them and jumped while I  shouted tadaaaaa! yes would you like a free hug? Yes! You do I know it! And we hugged and it was happily ever after.

- Some of the people were so stiff and paralysed when I hugged them, as if they were about to be hugged by a vampire. (O.o I promise I'm not, rahhhh)

- Some volunteered their little kids who were pretty lost as to what was going on and just extended their arms and stood there as I bent down to hug them. So cute. Sniff.

And then there were moments that left me truly moved, touched and inspired.

The pregnant lady - So in the middle of QRC I saw hordes of people (about 20-30) walking towards me all at once and I approached an Asian woman who was about 5-6 months pregnant. I said, it's free hugs day today, would you like a free hug? She said yeah why not and we had a big hearty hug. I then hugged her husband next. He then said you know you actually hugged two people just now, including the little one in her belly. I was very moved, touched and inspired. (*teary*)

There was also a gweilo couple - I hugged the woman first, and then the man said he didn't need a hug as he then proceeded to hug his lady. Arghhhh how sweet was that?!

My partner in crime and I managed to expand our repertoire by the end of that.

Security guards

Ladies holding the signages pointing to shops

Flyer distributors

Real estate agents

Elderly ladies collecting donations

Tourists (Korean/Filippino/Taiwan/China/America)

Helpers, in fact all of Statue Square had a sticker thanks to efforts of our awesome crew

People who I never used to pay attention to, or avoid even. Yet, these are the exact people who make this city function properly.

It just felt so truly liberating to do things just cos. No agenda, no catch, but just to give, and not expecting anything in return. The energy of abundance really works - the more you give, the more you get and the more you have.

Personally it has somewhat helped me overcome my inability to look at people while I speak to them. And really to be with them. Sometimes people hesitate and when you persist, they end up giving the warmest hugs. You just never know.

Everything you want is outside your comfort zone. For that one tiny step outside of my comfort zone yesterday, I got so much. I learned so much. About myself and about the world. And the truly amazing people I was with yesterday, and those of you who were with me every step of the journey for the past 6 months, you guys made all of this possible. I thank you with all my heart. Namaste.

16 days. It is enough, but HOW???

I AM SO ANGRY.
I AM FURIOUS.
I AM HURT.
I AM BURNING INSIDE. LIKE I HAD JUST SWALLOWED A FLY, AND CAN'T SPIT IT OUT.

Had a long stroll with AC along the promenade from Shaukeiwan to my suburb. We stopped half to look at stars.

In the past I would have been very

Fact, interpretation. Fact, interpretation!
The fact is, she said there is a girl code and she hates it when people steal her ex's.
The fact is, she got drunk, and danced with him. The fact is, she is now dating him.
The fact is, he doesn't know that I like him and made move on her.
Interpretation?
That she is a fucking bitch.
She is a self centered bitch who is insecure, attention seeking, spoilt brat, tries to transform but obviously doesn't give a shit when a real conflict of interest comes up and she always places herself first.
The fact is, she told me she will always be here for me and that I am not alone.
My interpretation is she is not trustworthy, and whatever she did for me, was just the easy bit that she was willing to do cos it was the petty bits. Come to the important life and death moments, she cannot be trusted. Period.

My interpretation, it is my own fault that I am fat, unattractive, not groomed, unwanted, coward, inconfident, insecure.
My commitment is that I am confident, bold, radiant, wanted, desirable, confident.

I need a pick me up.

Did I really enjoy her company? Or did I enjoy the idea of someone I can call my own family? The concept is nice, but at the end of the day, the only ones in this world you can truly believe and who truly loves you is your parents. Those are unquestioned love, unrivalled love, undying love.

Everything else, it is like a cloud, easy come, easy go.

It has been 16 days and has seriously affected my February. more than 50% of my production month! She doesn't have to make money to eat, but I do!

My commitment is to be a bold leader.
Picked it up, now time to put it down. What happened is what happened. Face it with calmness, with insignificance. What you are capable of is much more bigger things like bigger purpose in life and alleviating poverty. Life is so empty and meaningless and it is empty and meaningless that it is empty and meaningless.

HOW?????
SHE FUCKING BROKE MY HEARTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Believe that it will be okay cos I say so.

Whatever reason that happens is not important. Just live with the fact that this is what happened and the decision I will make will be....

Expectations and acceptance

I have been tormented since last Fri when JC initiated this party at KL's place and I brought out S, whom I have only met once before but have really come to like. JC and I had a quick conversation in the middle of it whereby I established I really like the guy and she said not to worry she never steals other people's guys anyway. Then as the night went on she got more drunk and ended up making out with him. Now the next step is they will go out on a date. Towards the very end my heart was wrenching such that I had to leave and dragging them with me because KL barely knew them and obviously wanted them out while I was gone.

It has been so hard for me because for the past 7 months I have been strongsuiting all the way, being very driven for my purpose and goal (my in order to is so huge that I wanted to be L7 by sept and L8 by next June). I have lost my feminine touch and need to be reminded that I am a woman after all. 

We had a completion conversation three times. 

First time, after I spoke with Nal, I realised my own fear of rejection. That as soon as I saw them getting cosy, I withdrew myself out of the conversations entirely, indirectly pushing him towards her. WHY? Because I am nothing??? I had a complete conversation that first time because I said I saw flaws in myself and I am taking on being fearless.

Second time, after I spoke with AC, whereby he implanted the seeds that J really is self centred and doesn't have a care for anyone else, I began to see her that way too. Particularly after K says she needs all these validations. 

For me, it is particularly hard to be in this situation whereby someone I have come to love, adorn, respect, look up to as my older sister for the past 8 months or more have completely dashed my adornment. Perhaps all along I have chosen to only view her in a positive light, while deliberately ignoring or pretending she doesn't have any flaws of attention seeking that others sometimes resent. Particularly in a group setting where conversations always float towards directions she wants and I just happily drift along. Like a spineless rubber tyre. 

Last night, before I left for Syd, we had dinner. It was so difficult for me. Because I had a disdain in my mind, for her, for her ways, for what she had done to me. For, the question I am still continuing to seek answer to - how can you, jie jie, hurt me this way, when you said you will always be here for me and be the shoulder that I can cry on? 

I know no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. But the scary thing is, as I pressed for that answer, it sounds like if the thing was to happen all over again, the same thing would have happened again. So clearly being drunk or not does not make the slightest difference. 

Which brings me to my sydney trip. With hugs always come thunders. had a tempestuous 2 hours with parents in teh shop whereby they expressed their strong disappointment that I have gained so much weight. I was putting up a weak and pathetic defence that I only focus on one thing at a time and as such was sacrificing my health and weight. Mum wouldn't have any of my bs and just told me flat to my face that making money doesn't make her happy. She is at her happiest when I lose weight and look decent and presentable. 

Mahesh very magically posts something about disappointment and expectations. "disappointment comes when we have expectation. Expectation cannot accept what is and expect what it should be. There is no one else to blame except ourselves when we are disappointed. Better it is to accept than to expect.

Disappointment = expectation / reality

1. manage your own expectations
2. learn to accept than to expect

Inhale, breathe in acceptance and
exhale, let go of expectations

Due to my own past, I have very strong desire to have someone there I can rely on, I can count on, I can trust. And due to the past interactions over the 8 months I have come to trust and lean on her a lot, and as a result I have that expectation of her doing what she said she was going to do and for me. But who is to blame for that expectation? There is no one else to blame except myself. I should better manage my own expectations and to accept than to expect. 

Give up that need to have people to rely on. Accept that things happen then they happen. Why do I need to have all these expectations? Believe that I have my parents who love me so deeply. The louder and the more tempestuous complaints they have against me, the more they love me.

They can keep on saying they are disappointed and nag, but I will not see it as nag, but relish how deeply loved I am by them.

#1 - if there are people with whom you haven't gotten complete, get complete with at least one other person. Practice recreating what they say as an access to getting complete.
- invent a new possibility for yourself in that relationship that is a victory over the past and enroll that person in your having gotten that possibility
- enroll at least one other person in your having gotten the new possibility you have invented for yourself and your life

#2 - notice how much you do not accept the people in your life; how many stories you have about them. write down what you notice.

#3 - with at least one person, take action to make a difference with them
- make a diff with many more than one person, be unreasonable
- for many of you, the form of making a difference will be to share yourself and invite people to our next session
- whatever your expression is, your assignment is to make a difference with at least one person, or fail to make a difference with someone

What i learned from relationship seminar on mon night. quite useful and perhaps food for thoguht for you too

in terms of being self expressed and completions, the #1 formula is 

1. giving up my point of view

2. share my inauthenticity w the other party - ie what have i been inauthentic about w him / her

3. do it in the context of generating and expressing love/partnership/romance, ie what it is you are committed to creating w him

4. don't do the conversation like dumping all you want to say onto him, but have it as a genuine conversation where you open up, which can also encourage him to do the same. 

Things to say to a man

1. You are such a man
2. I feel safe around you
3. I feel bad for the other women that I have you

Things to do this year
1. become a student of people - what makes people attractive. if i am attracted to someone, why? why is this man attracted to that girl?
2. people want to fall in love.
3. create value for myself - yes i will have a drink but i will have gin & tonic instead of shot
4. get good with rejection
when was the last time i got rejected?
The sad part is I have not put myself on the line - the last time was probably AL. I have been avoiding getting myself into this.

For this year, I will make myself feel good first, then I will let other ppl know about it and I will put myself on the line more.

What is it abt her that makes her magnetic?
- well groomed, fashionably dressed
- well mannered and interesting conversation from knowing everything
- light and radiance
- fun and insignificant
- health

What message am I not carrying across?
Light, fun & insignificance
Femininity
Radiance
Healthy

Too much in my head judging myself to be not good enough

沒有跌倒時的苦澀，又怎會有站起來後的滿足感。

I have rebounded from a week ago. I was feeling depressed and unhappy, was getting sick and getting antsy about the whole Lyoness business. I was getting impatient about the business and getting bored with it.

Then JC came back and I had a chat with her, it turned out that I quite possibly got in touch with some bad things (could be a combination of going to clubs to present, going to present at Show and the douche bar tender who was the reason I got tontilitis for the entire following week or the fact that I went out drinking w C and her bunch of people on Sunday night.

Either way I realised the key to all of this is I have to clean my house. But before I was to implement any changes, I need to first do some good deeds to transition into the change.

I don't know why, but as soon as I had a chat w JC, I immediately had peace of mind and resolved to change.

Also, the hike on 26 Jan Australia Day, made me realise how much weight I have gained and how unbearable it has come to become for me. So I have a real questions for all these.

What is my commitment?
To be THE LIGHT, TO BE RADIANT, LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST!!!

Being held hostage or fearful is not what I am committed to.

I am committed to not seeing people as a number but a human being that I care about that I am committed to helping and making their dreams real for them.

People rush when they are not confident. I am confident that I will get where I want to go and help all the people that I want to help and make a difference to. I am committed to everyone fulfilling their possibilities.

What are my possibilities?
That I am a big person and can make a difference to other people by choosing, from moment to moment, to beat my own demons and choose to overcome and prevail my impatience and lack of compassion.

Lessons from 2013

Lessons learned from 2013:
1. F it, just do it
2. Everything happens for a reason, everyone who is in your life (still) is there for a reason 
3. Some things you just can't rush it or there will be a price to pay
4. Never let anybody strong arm you. Deal w bullies with the only way they know.  Oh and
5. Don't do stuff with psychos, professionally, leisurely, or be in the same room. RUN!
6. Whether you can, or you can't, you are right. Thank you Mr Ford.

This shall be the year I CHOOSE to deal with whatever circumstances thrown my way with a big fat grin. Whenever I can.