Taking a little risk to make a stand. Is HOT

OMG i think i should work as a marriage counsel or mediator!!! I need to set the context for this, for me to even write this letter to you both is a breakthrough already! Now I'm really making a stand for you both, coming from the space of ruthless compassion aka in your face confrontation, perhaps some things i say isn't very nice, but i am being direct and hopefully helpful!!

Thank you to you both for putting your trust in me and speaking with me yday / today. Here is a laundry list of my listening, since you too are both not (yet) brilliant communicators of your feelings. I'm writing up this dirty laundry list you two both have for each other. I highly recommend you talk it out point by point.

From Cathy:

1. C, you need 安全感， don't want to be taken for granted. You think you are working so hard, and so feel very unhappy when GJ has these complaints about you. You feel like you are being taken for granted, because GJ doesn't show any appreciation, whether it's financial support or your moral support introducing him to buyside ppl or complains a lot.

a) C, you are focusing on the present, the NOW, the why is GJ not more supportive of your work / instead of just complaining about 'little things' such as being late, or not nice to people.

b) to this, I give GJ credit because he is thinking about the FUTURE with you. He clearly loves you so very much and he painted a beautiful picture yday with you inside it, as the mother of his children, where he clearly wants a loving mother, instead of one who doesn't care about other people (subordinates or people of lower social status eg cleaners / security guards etc). Something happened in his childhood which makes him react badly everytime someone is rude to these people, because he was once an underdog too. But of course, C you are not aware of your behavior, to you, you are so involved in your work and pressure that you are simply not aware of the impact of your behavior. Also, GJ hasn't shared his feeling with you, about his past and why he feels the way he feels (ILP17 revision please, dude!!!).

c) So GJ, you need to start applying Landmark and really tell her how you feel. So far, what you have been doing, is build up these annoyances and complaints and not telling her. You allow garbage to build up and then let it overspill the trash can. Then when it overspills, you react strongly and explode. Sound pleasant? lol.. so please, when you see something, communicate authentically and let C know how you feel. She really doesn't know what you are thinking until you tell her, no? We are not trained to be mind readers. Communicate timely, don't delay, and communicate fully. Don't useful hurtful words when you are emotional. Distinguish the fact and the interpretation.

d) Fact is, for the Derrick training incident, she let you wait 45 mins, she didn't know you were stinking from bball, she literally thought you'd just be sitting in the lobby play w your phone for the timebeing. Your interpretation was - she doesn't respect your time and doesn't care for other people.

When you reacted strongly on this or her being late in other occasions, because you haven't told her what you really feel about her being late (remember, she's not mind reader) then her interpretation is, "me, cathy zhang is working so hard to do well at my job, why do you, my bf, not appreciate me"???

that's really what she's thinking about, but given how much she loves holding onto her complaints about you and not telling you, as you do holding onto yours about her, she hasn't told you that too. As I told you last night, GJ, girls, we may appear tough, but really deep down inside, we are all vulnerable and want strong shoulders to lean on. To her right now, she's just thinking when will be the time she can come to rely on you. Truth is, she doesn't want to be the b**** banker being rude to people all the time. The cathy zhang we love is still down there somewhere, just covered by the toughness and unnecessary aggression the banking world has piled on. To this, GJ, i think you really need to have compassion. And always listen from that cornerstone of listening - COMPASSION! Weekend 3 homework!!! you've done it, better revisit again!!! You need to make a choice, chocolate / vanilla, banker cathy or another cathy, once you make that choice, then you commit to accept who she is. Her job may be her package, comes with her. It's her job, but doesn't make who she is. She doesn't necessarily have to be aggressive and obnoxious. You can change her by accepting her wholeheartedly, instead of only picking and choosing bits you like about her and then disregarding the bits you don't. I put it to you, GJ, that, the moment you are finally standing up to take responsibility for your actions, and your promises, then she will also transform. We need to lead by example, that's how we can implement transformations powerfully. Which brings me back to the smoking example. Now, please don't react as I'm only stating a fact and not interpreting. I was very touched and inspired when you came to ILP18 to ask for guests for Celine and you said how you will transform by QUITTING smoking.

YET, only one or two weeks later, you gave up quitting smoking. You also quit ILP at the last moment. You may not know the impact of your behavior on other people, I was a bit disappointed given how inspired by you i was previously. Then I made a determination to really do ILP18 by the rules, and not waste my time, "UNLIKE zhu guoji," i told myself. Maybe it was my racket, but you certainly helped me in that sense. i put it to you, that if there is no change in you, you surely can't dream of changes in C. I know I have been talking about your quitting smoking on a few different occasions. Please don't take it personally and don't be mad at me. To be perfectly authentic, previously you said you wasted 5 months of ILP17 cos you were holding a grudge / racketing against the program, I actually realised yday that you haven't learned much from the program, or if you did, you don't apply it to your life. or your communication with Cathy. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but the reality is, whether you quit smoking or not, it really doesn't matter. WHAT MATTERS IS YOU ARE YOUR WORD, AND THE DAY THAT YOU SAY YOU WILL STAND UP TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF AND C, and then you REALLY ACT AND BE YOUR WORD, that's when you really become powerful and cause change in C.

Now to C, one of the key things that matter to GJ, and again, i give him credit cos he's really thinking about the future, is your health and wellbeing. He clearly doesn't want the mother of his children to be always talking profanity, or rude to others, or most importantly, in bad health cos always drink too much. GJ really cares for you and I can hear it from the way he talks about you, that he cares for your health and don't want you to have this crazy and unhealthy lifestyle of binge drinking. I know how you feel, you feel like in the presence of Ayaz/ Achintya or other senior ppl, you really have no power to say no to drinking or anything. Just like how I felt I thought no power to say no to big clients when they ask for s*x** advances, until I just make a choice that my self respect (or health in your case) is more important than anything else. But i put it to you that you do. You can make a choice whether to drink til you throw up (and really make GJ worried) or be responsible for yourself. You are probably not aware of the impact of your actions, he is worried about you. You also have him worried about the health of potentially your children in the future, do you now see that?

So, my conclusion is, you both clearly care for each other deeply, and what's present here is just a lot of uncommunicated thoughts feelings, rather than some impossible incompatibility So I hope you use this weekend to really talk it out and leave NOTHING UNCOMMUNICATED! whatever habits, annoyances, grudges, misunderstandings, i hope you talk out each one of them.

Cathy make you wait? always late? drink too much? you hate it? tell her!

GJ is irresponsible or complain too much or take you for granted? tell him!

lay everything on the table.

My prescription to you both, STOP REACTING!!! 发脾气/讲气话, and start talking! Stop withholding your complaints / grudges about each other, like a bloody vacuum cleaner holding onto garbage. Tell the other person how you really feel. And the moment something out of his / her mouth that you don't like, just pause a moment and ask him / her to elaborate why they say that, rather than throw back another hurtful comment to them.

My final word is, try stepping in the shoes of the other person.

How would you feel C, if your other half persistently say oh it's going to be another 2 mins, then turns out to be 20 mins or longer, almost everytime? or he stumbles home middle of the night then throws up on the carpet? How do you feel?

How would you feel GJ, if your other half is sleeping 5 hours a day and have all these crazy pressure for layoffs at any time, yet she always throws tantrums if you come home a bit late?

Pls start to relate to each other as human beings instead of the object who causes all your angst. You know you care for him / her, so don't assume they know, you have to say it!

I'm hoping to get more breakthroughs this weekend at the LMF, but think for me to even write this letter to you both is a breakthrough already! I'm really making a stand for you both, so hope it works out!!

Happy birthday for tomorrow mr GJ! May this be the best bday ever yet!!

There's no moment like now, so just enjoy the present

C just told me she may move elsewhere if she indeed break up w G, for a fresh start.

The moment I saw that text it was almost like the world came crashing down. I know I have said that before, leave HK, move home, or elsewhere. More like out of spite, out if resentment to make her sad or something. But the moment it came and I saw it, I was do upset. There was a heartache I can't describe, something on top if my heart and I found it much harder to breathe. It's amazing, the impact of something someone says. We used to think its okay to say certain nasty things, whether intentionally or carelessly. Yet each little word has such tremendous impact that we really are not present to it til it hits me in the face. Oh hit me it did.

Then as I got present to my sadness, I ask myself, what is different this time and why am I upset? I cleared the fact that I am just being selfish and seeing things from my perspective. If I am so upset just knowing she is leaving. Imagine how sad she must be, breaking up with the boyfriend, an potentially leaving me and a familiar environment. What I can do, I determined, is to be as supportive as possible. And be glad of what we had already. The friendship that won't die away because I will always have interest at the top of my mind.

----
Also had coaching call w Betty during my lunch hour dash to pure, my very last time I'm there. I have come to realize the three key things I am grappling with this week
1. I alway change things last min and unintentionally make people feel like they are not important
2. I am not present to the impact of my action and consequences. I am not present to how people feel when they are with me. I may have inadvertently turned away friends through the way I behave
3. Ilp and coaching call occur as hard work to me. Ditto Betty and speaking with her. I perceived myself as fine so don't need a call. Alternatively I perceive it as I am too sick and unwell and don't want to speak to her cos I didn't want to use my brain
4. Yet what I realize is that, in life, I am always stopped by my reasons, I'm tired, I'm sick, I don't feel like it, why me, can't be bothered, there's always tomorrow and my personal favorite is my daddy isn't Li Ka Shing. If I'm stopped by these silly reasons or excuses that they really are, they surely I get stopped by another task. There's no doubt about it

How to be stopped in life

Last night I was very present to the very reason I always get stopped in life. My bloody reasons!

I put off messaging T for a buddy call which was cancelled because I was tired and didn't want to speak to anyone and landmark occurred as 'too much work' to me. I put off what sapping B back abt what time Ye coach call is. The whole thing abt speaking to her (on the phone esp) just occurs as a lot of work to me and I just want to avoid it, not even sure why.

I always get stopped. I'm tired, there's tomorrow, why me, it's not fair, don't feel like it, I can't be bothered.

Fuck the reasons. I want to live my life!

Next time I want to give another reason, I'm going to do the exact opposite, and just do.

Always rushing, 疲于奔命，手忙脚乱，

Already always rushing.

Always rushing, 疲于奔命，手忙脚乱，
Overcomplicate very simple things
胡思乱想太多，sometimes I should just go and do it.
Make all these plans but when I get home just want to relax and laze and don't do anything
Without the drive I can't do anything.
Without the drive and integrity nothing works.

Just spend an hour sleeping, or an hour preparing my bag, clothing; clean my room

 

AC share

Contribution to others

- out of the AC, I saw that i have not contributed enough to my family as I have been running away from my responsibilities. as a result I created the possibility to go back to Australia to be with my parents for two weeks prior to starting my new job to restore our relationship. i desperately wanted to improve communication with my parents because everytime i felt like i needed to pretend to be busy to get off the phone with my mother because i wanted to run away from her 'nagging'. Then afterwards I resented myself because I prided myself in having the 'best' relationship one could have with their mother. This was clearly inauthentic.

so basically when I was in Sydney I kept my schedule completely blank, and i told her that i'm not going to use whatsapp, fb, gmail but rather, just be with her. we don't have to speak to each other, we can just sit here and be, together. the first week was difficult as i still perceived her as nagging so we bickered. but one day as mother and i strolled down to the beach, i said, look, the way i have been communicating so far has not worked, and from hereon instead of listening from the space that you are nagging me, i will listen from the space that you care for me so much and you love me so much, so please nag away!!! she stopped walking and paused, a bit stunned, saying, oh, that's something different, i've been waiting for you to say that all this time, you know. I said yes i'm sorry but indeed it's better late than never!

Now, me and my parents are at the best we have ever been! she can freely tell me what she feels and i no longer run away. nowadays when i call her just to say i miss her, she'd still get very nervous thinking there's an emergency going on here which is probably one of the rare occasions i would call her in the past. Let's just say my breakthrough out of the AC is continuously evolving, the peeling of the onion doesn't stop!

sentimentality and vicitimisation go hand in hand

i had a breakthrough as I was speaking with T on the buddy call this morning. Since last friday i have been in this emotional rut, friday had wild mood swings, yesterday was just bad mood and depressed due to miscommunication with work and other things. ditto with the intro's, everyone else has been very active in asking other ppl for help, i just felt like i dont' want to / can't be bothered / rather play my own game.

then as i was speaking to her, i realised, all my life, i love playing the victim. mother always told me to never rely on anybody, men particular. most important is to have my own money or be financially independent. that has stuck with me for the longest time, as a result, i'd rather help other people, than they help me (both men and women included). i'd be the firefighter all the time, and since i don't ask for help, ppl don't know they should take a stand for me, like bring guest for my intro, as i secretly hope, (without me asking). just exactly like my mother, now that i think about it. she'd rather contribute to her own family and be the stronger, than vice versa. Yes she feels stronger, but at what cost? i certainly know that, as i help others, i feel good, but i also feel lonely and helpless. when i need help, who is going to come help me? i feel like no one does, and the whole world owes me, partly because they wouldn't (when of course they would, but i need to ask, which i can't bring myself to). 

then when that fails, i then feel sorry for myself and play the victim, and get super sensitive, as i have for the entirety of my life. this sort of upset and sadness i have no explanations for. 

now that i am finally aware of my act, i feel very free. i should no longer feel constrained to ask for help. i need help, i ask for it. i don't have to be the strong person, i am willing to be weak and vulnerable.  

Feeling sorry for myself

I had coach call w B today. She said she could hear on the phone that I was so upset and sad. I don't even know why. Tears just kept on dripping as she talked. I was just so depressed. Starting last Fri, I had wild mood swings, and extremely pissed. Then today, I was depressive.

She then said the golden word, sentimental. Right on the money, I think all these years I hit the story that I feel sorry for myself.
I feel sorry for myself that my mother didn't spend 5 years of my most important years with me.
I feel sorry for myself that my father beat me so bad when I score poorly.
I feel sorry for myself that my father would always be fighting with his own mother, non stop.
I feel sorry for myself that all my relatives are jackasses that want to rip us off.
I feel sorry for myself that I am fat and unworthy of love.
I feel sorry for myself that my mother would never speak to me properly but would always shout (even though she sacrifices so much for me).
I feel sorry for myself that I am all alone, in this world, and no one understands me.
I feel sorry for myself that no one understands me and as a result I don't give a shit and let the misunderstanding drag on.

Coaching call -
Why am I so sensitive
Training me to be my word. Then have to exercise caution.
To be effective in comm, be too cautious of what I say, but listen to the person listening to me. If I'm listening intently, whatever I say is perfect.

Why am I overtly sensitive / sentimental. Easy to make others wrong then myself wrong. Or words come out and I'm so upset and feel like ppl don't understand. It is disempowering me.

What's our barrier.

Why am I so sentimental? I just need to be empathetic, not sympathetic.

Something in my past I'm not complete with. Unfair? Ppl don't know my pain?
Ppl don't get my love?

I tried to act very strong. Not cry when needle, yet what ppl say can easily trigger me.

Occurring of fam relationship to me.
Don't

What does it mean to be a woman?
What am I experiencing?

Still not fulfilled.
How do I see the world and how do I see life?

Stop doing anything and ilp and anything I'm doing. Now I'm in the mood of crap.

I need to do something. But everything in order to. Today just do my work. And go home and relax and watch tv to relax.

Being powerful, then don't have to worry abt being late.

Generate myself to be powerful. My confidence. How much time I spend analyzing and talking abt the task. Analyzing myself

It's auto, nothing's wrong. Observe myself. How others are seeing me. How do I do so ppl are not criticising me. If I believe in myself then whatever I do will be so powerful.

Playing the dog is just love, nothing in my space.

Time to change

The first thing I'd say today is I'm sick of feeling sick of myself.
Second thing I'd say today is I'm sick of surviving. Am going to be a winner and champion. Storm through this challenge and come out grinning.
The third thing I'd say today is I realised often times I say and do things that I'm not entirely aware of the consequences of. For instance, I said something about M's call to us for guests was hustle. Although in my mind I am clear that hustle takes guts and courage and not everyone has the ability to do it (particularly as last week I had such a tough time doing fund raising), however the perception it gave people was negative and I was not present to that. My first reaction as well, was very negative and wanting to tell everybody to fk off and leave me alone. If they didn't understand me, then fine, so be it. Another example is I was chatting w the colleague A and said he's got a rugby player physique (which he plays), then someone else senior walking past by chimed in that I was 'calling him fat'. Had R not chimed in, I would not even have gotten present to that.

This i realised, is my being all these years. If people don't understand me, then it's their problem, not mine. This of course, does not work in a societal setting where you have to work with everyone else, as a result I declare I will pay more attention to the impact of what I say.

Often times nowadays I catch myself wanting to make comments about people, their nationality, background, appearance, attire. everything, very judgmental. not factual stuff. I need to watch my tongue carefully.

630pm -7pm, this week to do qna
target 5x a week qna

Complete, email each other by friday. Shares homework - 5 benefits of
By end of this week.

Hold each other accountable
Keep on detoxing

Me - do homework in organised fashion and plan.

Michelle Obama - for Barack, success isn't about how much you make, it's about the difference you make in people's lives. DNC 2012 speech is truly inspirational.

"We can trust Barack to do exactly what he says he was going to do, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard."

In the speech she exudes poise, relatedness, and humility. I am committed to present my shares in such a manner from hereon.

In life I think we each have to face things we don't like, just like for ILP, i'm very good at enrolling ppl, ie sharing my stories and communicating. but very bad at being organised and plan things out, and as a result i hate it and have been procrastinating (my whole life i do things last min and that's why i'm always late)!!

for you, the challenge is speech and other common knowledge stuff, the ability to face the unknown and tackle them makes us better human beings! so good on you c! and good on me q! hahaha

It's a glorious Friday and I'm going out of my shell!!!

Fund raising reached 6000hkd, smashed my original 5000 target and now placed at 9000. Very happy but also slightly offset by the breakdown at work on tue when I clearly did not put enough heart into doing those charts. Lots of errors were made and boss gave me an earful.

I keep on thinking about what could be? What could be if I stayed at old firm instead of going to work w T and what could've happened to my own franchise if I stayed. At the time I was desperate to raise my own pay and I perceived the old firm to be ripping me off by capping my promotion track.

In hindsight I am still gratefulfor the opp to work with T and the deal exposure and what's happened has happened and there is nothing to be done about it but to waste my time hating, what is the point of looking back when there is no going back? No going back but moving forward to rock this world?

Things happen for a reason, and i'll just see it as a great opportunity to know myself to be this grumpy person who does not react well to authority. Good thing I discovered this at 28, not 58.

With what I have now, and what I CAN do, do it well. That's all that matters.

On the other hand, having breakdown on losing weight from. I need to regain the integrity back, and get back on the diet, be committed to pomelo or whatever diet plan I choose to do. Right now, it's ridiculous cos I can't be bothered slicing a grapefruit for each meal, it's messy and I'm too lazy and don't want to have sticky hands. Fk that! Bring the future of hot Q here RIGHT NOW!!!

I'm an asshole and a turtle coming back out of the shell

A few days of not writing and the high of second weekend and last fri's inspired to enroll has kind of worn off. I resent myself for a few things, not the least include:
- want to back out of my commitments all the time, back out of lunch in central when it's just M and K attending. My racket is i need to max out efficiency and really want to go to all the meals when the other ppl F and J are attending too. I perceive K to not be much of a contributor and as a result I perceive the lunch to be a waste of time. As for M, I can learn a lot by being with her, but I can organise a walk with her on sunday. There, I said it, although I think I can love animals and people more freely, I'm still stingy with my time and perceive / judge people on how 'useful' they are to me. I'm such an asshole. At least I've come to terms with that.

Also another mini breakdown.

This week after the highs of second weekend and fri's inspired to enroll appears to be a bit of a mini breakdown wk for me. I blasted out this email abt charity walk formally yesterday to about 50 colleagues and 100 contacts. And got about <5 a="a" and="and" anguish.="anguish." around="around" as="as" ask="ask" away.="away." back.="back." be="be" bit="bit" br="br" busy="busy" caught="caught" don="don" emails="emails" for="for" forgot="forgot" get="get" got="got" host="host" i="i" my="my" of="of" pissed.="pissed." ppl="ppl" present="present" proceeded="proceeded" prolly="prolly" reasons="reasons" reply="reply" responses="responses" so="so" some="some" t="t" them="them" then="then" they="they" to="to" walked="walked" was="was" whole="whole" will="will" yadiyadayada.="yadiyadayada.">
I needed to have a conversation with them anyhow to get any traction, just like enrollment conversations. So what has changed? Absolutely nothing. Email was merely my means to give info, rather than enrolling. So I'm gonna hit the phones today like a Wall Street broker and hustle like how it should be done.

I feel like I've gone back to my shell a bit this week. Afraid of looking bad, no matter. The turtle is coming back out to the sun again!!!!

Hustle like I mean business.

- also had breakdown with parents as they wanted to leave sydney later than I initially planned for them to (ie they want to leave on 24th pm rather than 23rd AM). Two key issues were sticking points:
1. Timing, I was frustrated and wanted to spend as much of my free time with them, yet them leaving later than I expected makes that difficult
2. Destination, I was initially intending on doing 8 days in thailand, when mother then said she wants to go to Singapore. Then and there I had a breakdown thinking why can't we go places where I want to go?? Then I got present to the fact that I was still very selfish, on both the destination and timing, I want things to go my way. Also, she did not understand the benefits of Thailand as she did not know because i did not enroll her into the beauty, great food and chilled out nature of the holiday.

When i explained to her the nature of how wonderful thailand could be, ie great food, beauty and attraction of a thai massage. she was very enrolled. so my point is, enrollment really works and needs to be applied everywhere.

Also - breakthrough on Mon
I was a bit of an asshole again on Sunday night when I rescheduled the coach call on sunday night to go to movies with a senior ex colleague N who messaged me as I came back from Tpe. If it was anybody else then i definitely would not have moved but my story is that N is very hard to catch and I really wanted to see her (and her friends who I potentially perceive as 'useful'). Seriously omg as I type this now, I am now more present than ever that this is my automatic machine, I value and judge people for who they are, how valuable they may be to me, what I can get out of conversation with them. Is there something wrong with that? No, it's just so automatic that I want to get present to it. Awareness is first step to enlightenment.

The thing with P
So on Mon night I finally had dinner w P who i've been wanting to see for a few weeks. We spoke about life, how she has somewhat recovered from grief and nowadays all that she is present to, is to get a raise so she can financially support her family and prepare for retirement from finance. I think the whole way I was conscious not to push her to do landmark however afterwards I had a coach call to ask HOW I CAN SPEAK TO HER BETTER than i did and trying to help her. Whatever B says always seems to push a tears button in me. She acknowledged me and said i care so much for my friends and that's why for my whole life my automatic mode is to try to help people. However what does not work is the fact that authentically I am judging the situation from the angle that there is 'something is wrong'. Her quote is "I can't stand her (P) going home and not being with people". She just hit a jackpot there. As a result, I always try to fix things. It's very constraining as I am like a rat on teh automatic wheel always trying to put out fires when they probably don't really need rescuing. In the meantime if people don't understand me, I get frustrated.

So, B told me to just be with people, and STOP DOING WHATEVER IT IS I'M DOING.
So I apologised to P for judging that 'something was 'wrong' with the current situation'.

There is nothing wrong, with her wanting to go home, nor is there anything wrong with her being underground w G for the last 18 mths or so.

Happy Thur! Pumped on 4 hour sleep!!

A lot of stuff to talk about today. Last night had my first intro assist at the LEHK office, T led and I brought C and C as guests. Both were interested although unfortunately timing conflicts with their prior commitments. Great thing is I was not disappointed at all because I know both benefited from the session and will be making a commitment to change their lives.

Hung out with B afterwards for supper, and she brought up this key point of being organised and really plan out my next 5 months. It's great advice because it's exactly the thing that I've lacked all my life! I have all these great thoughts in my head but I don't execute properly because I don't put a pen to paper on exactly what I need. Will try to go to her session of sales training - want to open my horizon!

Then I had a breakdown, I sinfully walked into 711 and bought (at 2 different locations) 4 ice creams! OMG such a pig! Plus a pack of spicy seaweed. Needless to say all that has turned into fat!!

Stikk.com is great for reminding me that if I don't run today I'll need to pay 200hkd again! WTF. I'm running! Despite on 4 hour sleep.

Possibilities I want to create out of today is to have 2 enrollment conversations - one w N, another w S to tell her that Nuskin really is not for me at this stage, but I'll invite her to Landmark if she's interested.

Also, will ask boss in town for coffee again, to do some team bonding. At this stage, I got a story in my head that he is not interested in catching up with me or getting to know me better and knock out a work plan for the rest of the year.

Grateful for 5 things each day #7: am grateful for stikk.com for whooping my ass running or risk paying money again; am grateful for K for coming to me for help, I feel thought of haha; am grateful for TT for a magnanimous intro, you've really let my judgments go; am grateful for B for pointing out my blind spot, i look forward to achieving results with good planning and last but not least for my awesome trader, one min conversation and your whole family is doing the bare foot walkathon with us!! Bravo thur!!!

--
So during lunch time I went down to buy roast chicken and on the way back I decided to call the shop and speak with mum. Surprisingly I got hold of my father and I told him that the reason I have not had much luck with men is partly my insecurities partly my self image problems. And him and my mother commenting on my

Then I realised how emotionally I react to father's comment that if I continued to be so fat, how close to 'crying' he would be. I realised how much I resented those three words, 哭出来, even as I heard it now, it's like someone is pressing my button and I didn't even know I had one. This is worse than calling me straightout fat. And of course, I got present to the fact that I should just let it go, and it's not what he said, but rather, what I make it to mean.

Big share here by me, about love. Actually just realised it during lunch..

So during lunch in ICC I was walking back up to wait for the elevator, I saw the security guards bringing out the sniffer dogs - spaniels I believe they are. It's very strange that I so proactively approach them and to play with the dog. Funny enough the dog was very eager cos I was holding roast chicken, sniffing away eagerly. But as I played and fiddled with its fur, chin and forehead, completely oblivious to the lunchtime crowd passing me by, I realised that moment that for the first time, I feel so free, loving, being loving and not afraid to show it. (Random huggers day started the flow of 'love', and the momentum just continued as I give hugs very generously and with much warmth and empowerment to all my friends everyday since Weekend 2 and very passionately try to raise funds for the barefoot walkathon this week). This really hit me, particularly as I somehow remembered what an evil teenager I was to my pet when I was about 13 years old, Carl. I became angry and jealous that he would always follow my mum everywhere, and ignored me that one day I just held him up and dropped him from a certain height that he injured one of his legs and needed to see a vet. I know, horrendous right! And as the vet was checking Carl up, he became so angry and said that this crime was punishable. I remember feeling guilty and hating myself for it but not knowing why I did it.

I think the root cause of  my jealousy, was that somehow I was so awkward a kid and didn't know how to love and perceived that I was not getting the love I deserve, starting from 7 years old, but being reunited with my mother at 12 clearly didn't alleviate it by much.

This moment, I feel so liberated and really glowing because I am a liberated woman and can finally see again!!! Love because I want to! Love because I have so much of it!!

Listening to another as a cause in the matter

Yesterday I tried listening from angle of appreciation. It was a great day, although later on I got tired and lost a bit of focus. Ran w C outside ICC for the first time, was great feeling to run outdoors, also managed to enrol her to participate in the walkathon with me.

4 participants and 4 sponsors as of now, not bad for an extraordinary tuesday!

Listening to another as a cause in the matter today! Going to rock the meeting in SZ, I have decided!

Also had a phone conversation w M last night, I finally gathered the courage to ask him to call me instead of just whatsapp (my fear of looking bad and appearing desperate to ask a guy to call me). It was a great conversation, as he seems to be very upbeat and happy kind of person like myself.

H also called me to share that he sees much of himself in me and as a result he can't really face me sometimes. It's very touching and very amusing at the same time. Both of us hold the kind of arrogance that now makes me cringe, thinking that we need to prove ourselves and be ahead of the pack. Whatever happened in our past really shouldn't impact our future. That's a declaration I'm making today!

Weekend 2 ~ WOWWWWW

Just had ILP weekend 2, the only word to describe it is WOWWWWWWW.
Followed by OH SH*TTTTTTTT. This is the real me??? OMG i'm such a douche / jerk / b****. Haha

Sat was the recitation of the poems - gangbusters 10x excited. I didn't know I could get to that level of excitement. It was literally tearing my hair out, hysterical kind of excitement and not to mention rolling around on the floor.

I kind of saw a glimpse of it during the 10x sexy performance, IT being my act. that i need to look good in my 'performances'. I think it all comes down to my need for external validation when I was a child. The fact that I auditioned for that famous children's dancing school in Shanghai when I was 7 or 8, too fat to even jump up to reach the

 

this weekend has been exhilarating as i did wkend 2 of the leadership program, i learned so much about myself, really come to terms with who i am. truly amazing!

3 things i learned from my weekend leadership program i wanted to share w you:

1. im such an arrogant jerk who can't be with ppl. haha i know, it's quite confronting and i was like "reallly?!??!!" i give this impression that i'm aloof and 'fake friendly', eg say hi and not look at them, say how are you but not really caring if they actually are good or feeling lousy. (pointed out by a new classmate i met for first time, very authentic of her to do so). In the past I'd be so reactive and think "who the heck are you to tell me this?? but now i realise it's very rare in this world that ppl can make a stand like this for you and point out your blind spots, so really it's pure gold nuggets that she handed to my pocket).

2. i really need to look good and i subconsciously want external validations or applauses in my performances due to my childhood (i auditioned for some famous arts school in shanghai when I was 7 or 8 and i remember distinctly that I couldn't jump up to reach the height they set, and my aunt once said my singing voice probably wouldn't make it to that school, as a result, ever since, if you see me at karaoke you will know that I try so hard to prove myself a worthy performer LOL). so instead of giving a 2 min share to really be with ppl and share what i learned to touch their heart, i actually just wanted to prove that i'm now good at public speaking/performing and win and get a high score. as a result ppl feel like they can't relate to me or that they can only watch me from a distance

3. i am impatient and don't make time for people, it really is a sign of arrogance and my innate nastiness to be mean to people i probably subconsciously deem to be 'not as smart or inferior' or whatever nastiness I hold. This was visualised to me by a classmate M who objected to my constantly interrupting her conversation with our coach. I did it twice in two consecutive weeks. It was quite clear to me that I was impatient. However I then thought a bit harder back to my times with ex boss that I would always hold high pride in the fact that I did law and studied certain grades etc to be where I am now. She probably detested when I said that so I really can come to terms with it. It's hilarious cos I wasn't even top 1% of class. Probably only 5%. Yet the real 1% probably don't feel that way or show that level or arrogance. I am now clear that my need to constantly repeat the fact that I am a law grad or etc is just to let go of my own insecurities to make up for the fact that I was a lousy student in China who probably wouldn't have survived in the cut throat system there. And also for the fact that I was alway mediocre student without tutoring paid for by my parents.

 

haha. it's so amazing to know who i really am and come to terms with it.

Today I am listening from the space of 'LISTENING FOR GOLD'.

I also realised, I've only been SURVIVING my ILP so far. I may have brought some people in, but I've only played the game half heartedly. Ditto my work. Ditto my life be it relationships or physical and mental self development. I have not been giving it my WHOLE HEART AS I PROMISED I WILL FROM THE VERY BEGINNING OF ILP. As a result, I'm gonna play this game like I'M RUNNING ON THE 10K WITH A DOG CHASING ME!!!!

I'm gunning for candidation by Weekend 3!!!!! 4 rego and 11 guests. Digging for gold BULLION!!!!!

Operative practice will help!!!!! Although my poems recitation this morning was probably only 6x rather than 10x excited because my voice was a bit crooked, it still helped lift my mood and energy level. As a result of that, I am committed to doing this properly each day.

As a result of my poor memory or not being present, today I started an excel that records whether T and I have been keeping our words with the new possibilities we create each day. This way we are holding each other accountable and really cut the BS.

5 things to appreciate today #2

5 things to be grateful for today #2: grateful for my mother for her giving me life and commitment to us always having breakthroughs, not breakdowns in communication; grateful for my father for his care as the man behind the scenes; grateful for C, to always be there for me no matter what; grateful for K, to always be my mirror, even when I want to hide like an ostrich with head in the sand; and last but not least, grateful for the ability to breathe on this fabulous Friday!

Had an awesome conversation w mum this morning. Last night she called me at work to tell me that she's going to ask her friend G's husband who is an architect in HK to set me up with people. My immediate reaction is no thanks. And no way I would like the kind of guys he is with. However I later realised it's not really what she says or does that affects me, but rather, what meaning I attach it to. Therefore, I told her that it's okay for her to go ahead. She though, still thought that my 'bad attitude' came back a little back after a trip to Tokyo. Because I had to rush to ILP dinner, I left the conversation abruptly. But this morning I called back to make sure her feelings are taken care of. I explained to her that I don't think I would like the kind of guys the man would know, but please go ahead since that is one way for her to express her love and care all 6000km away.

She was happy and relieved and towards the end said something that deeply touched me, and really got me present to the fact that my changing the way I communicate has also taken on to committing to us having breakthroughs, and not breakdowns in our communications. Or in her words "making sure our points of views are aligned, or at least we understand each other". I was very happy about having made this impact.

On a separate note, C was very touched by my mentioning her on my fb. It's funny how a small thing can make such a positive impact on people. So I say, POWER ON, QY!

Last, I really have to give more power to my work. No more half hearted effort here and there, and rushing out to do ILP stuff. I will make sure I have covered all grounds, or I won't leave the office. That's my declaration and I'm going to stick to it.

 

Dear R - the closure conversation you deserve

Dear R
I still remember that moment when I read on some facebook event invite by one of your female friends titled "R's funeral". The shock, utter disbelief with which I stared at that, that sinking and sad feeling, I still remember so distinctly after these two years.

There is something you need to know. I thought I have put it behind me, yet this course I am doing now, is confronting me to dig it out from the graveyards of my subconsciousness, by having this undelivered conversation with you. So here I am, confronting my own ghost, and writing you this letter, from the bottom of my heart.

I have liked you since year 12 or first year of uni. Since our meeting in Mr Liu's tutorial school. "Like", "have a crush", these are almost alien words to me. The computer geek who stayed under the wings of my family and never proceed out of the warm nest. I think as I get more present to the past, i am so present to the fact that I placed all the guys I liked on the pedestal probably because both you and K were such over-achievers, olympic medalists for maths & physics, while I myself was this humble commoner, too scared to tell you how I felt, or even proceed to develop a friendship with you.

All this time, UBS competition, salsa, golfing, I was on the stand, pretending and lying to myself that I don't like you anymore (probably because I automatically wrote you off, thinking I would never be good enough for you or you would simply never be interested in me). How strange the mind works! Back justification, since I wrote off that possibility, I lied to myself that we would and could never work, as a result, after you moved to london, I took the ostrich approach. Burying my head in the sand, pretending that I was too busy to call you on skype, apart from that one pathetic time that we finally managed to have a pleasant chat. I have been a jerk, but more a coward. And so I sat here regretting, resenting myself. And mourning your passing away. And forever lost, that possibility of 'what if'.

Yet, all this time, you were my inspiration. You were the strange Shanghai kid who was not afraid of looking bad, who was not 'reasonable' and performed on stage, with your top off. Traveled to off the beaten track places that others only heard of. Or do out of the box things that I've only heard but could never imagine myself doing. Salsa, golf, you were the person who led me to take on these things. Even though I didn't like golf in the end, but at least I tried, cos of you.

I feel sad, and feel like I owe you a thank you, for being my inspiration all this time. I owe you a sorry to you, but also to myself, for being in the stand almost all my adult life, witnessing, dragging my feet, resenting myself and everyone else because I could not have what I did not have the courage to pursue.

I will re-ignite my passion for life, for you, but more importantly, for myself. I vow to do the unreasonable and make you proud. I vow to give up my self limiting thoughts and give it my all, to what I believe in, to my causes. I vow to never let another chance slip by my fingers and use the rest of my life to ponder that 'what if' question. I will stop the resentment and be with myself.

I really wish I could hug you just one more time, and tell you all the things I want to tell you. Tell you all the things you deserve to know. But I know I can't. Perhaps in my dream one day. I will live on your legacy and live life as it should be lived, on the court, not in the stand anymore.

Gonna be more out there!!! ~ Doctor's diet plan Day 1

Woke up at 4am this morning by the lights in the living room cos I crashed on the couch and didn't turn them off. Then Tiffany's whatsapp really reminded me that I have to do the mirror work, and what's more, I realised, as with the rate at which I'm doing this homework, I procrastinate, A LOT! I got given this thing 5 weeks ago,
- yet I really haven't put any effort into it,
- nor any planning of timeline and when I will do what by when
- and not really maintaining the excitement! (cos i lose the 3 min heat)

WHY THE F IS THIS ONGOING?! High school projects, Uni law papers, nothing ever gets started as soon as I am given them. I WILL CHANGE!! THIS IS NOT OK!

I somewhat mastered the gangnam style dance, prolly 80% of the wackiness is there now!
KEEPING UP THE M*THA*F**KING EXCITEMENT!!!!!! and glow the sh*t out of this hahahah!!!

---
I'm so into all these diet plans these days. Today's day 1, out of 12.

Breakfast: half a pomelo, 2 eggs, 2 pieces of bacon
Lunch: half a pomelo, salad and meat (any ways of cooking)
Dinner: half a pomelo, meat, esp fish

1. green or red veges (any ways of cooking)
2. salad (any dressing)

Every meal can drink coffee or light tea
Snacks: tomato skim milk

Don't take off any food from menu esp bacon and salad as this is using chemistry of diff foods to burn off fat. Pomelo is very important, as it triggers fat burning

Veges can include: bell peppers, carrots, onion, tomato, broccoli, carrots, cucumber, cabbage, lettuce and spinach

can eat any meat, salad or veges, but completely sugar or carb free

First day - won't lose any weight, but 5lb down from day 5. and then every 2 days should see half lb down.

Boiled my own eggs and grilled the bacon this morning. Let's see if i get hungry before lunch.

I didn't check bb til very late last night which made me realise I don't really place work as top priority, which is very wrong! Must come back from the dead!!!

Tokyo was bickering followed by enlightenment.

Came back from Tokyo last night. Tired but enlightened. The first 3 days of the 3.5 day trip was consistently bickering w C over little stuff. To the point where she said on several occasions that "she was going to give up" and that "we can never go back again". To which I would then insist that I will try very hard and get us back. Then I had a breakthrough of two fundamental issues that have been bothering me over all these past years (in HK especially). C tried to help me break away from them on the cab from the airport last night, over the process, I was very touched and then remembered why she is my family again. All that passion for my wellbeing, and she knows me so very well.

First, I think too much and over-complicate things in my mind. Mother was right about all those lines on my palm. I am intelligent, and like to think things through, sometimes too much and to my own detriment. Whenever C or anyone else does something, I make a judgment and conclusion about why they did the thing the way they did. Mostly wrongly. Including hiring the speech coach, or C willing to sign up for landmark if GJ quits smoking, I immediately made it to mean that she wouldn't sign up if I change and that I was less important than him. Such a silly childish thinking, yet it is exactly how I think right now!
Resolution: get rid of it, toss it.
Technique: next time I turn onto auto pilot of these "guess" and "suspecting" behaviors, I would just stop, and ask the other party why they are doing what they are doing. Instead of me guessing by myself!

Second, I realised I have this self limiting thought about me can never get the man of my dreams, eg if I meet some eligible and decent Asian boys, I automatically switch off and eliminate any possibility that we could be together because I think "I'm not attractive enough" or "guys wouldn't want to be with me". I kept on thinking about the root cause of these thoughts. It may be a combination of parents always telling me to lose weight, lose weight, and otherwise no guy would want to be with an overweight person; or my clubbing all these years with C and no guys would come to me. The latter is truly stupid of course since all the guys who go to club obviously has a smorgasboard of long legged scantily dressed chicks to choose from. I had attention deficit. But C is right, at the rate I'm going, right now my biggest issue is not weight, but my mentality. I will never find someone until I let that strait jacket go away.
Resolution: The self limiting thought is now an automatic pilot mode that needs to be recognised, tossed and purged.
Technique: be present to the auto pilot mode next time I meet someone, let this go. And think of how exciting and fabulous I am as A told me. I am stunning and awesome and such a gift to anyone who's lucky enough to be with me. Put on that grin knowing what I know.
C also suggested this technique: instead of getting nervous reaching out to all these guys because I think I have this "hidden agenda", just treat them like buddies, while continue to be feminine in my being. I think this sounds great, because then that takes the pressure off me reaching out and knowing these friends better. Which I can't do at this moment.

--
On a separate more upbeat note, C was starting to appreciate my unflappable energy to advise her on what to do and what to avoid (less ice, more ginger, more sleep, less cigarettes etc). It was fantastic! And hilarious! On first day, she told me within the 2 hours of hanging out, I have "criticised" her way too many times and she didn't want me to judge her anymore and leave her alone. For some reason I obviously couldn't stop and continued to bang on about oh try some more ginger, more water, more fruits, rather than supplements that are not food and too chemically based. I kept on talking about them at different circumstances, to the point where when we walked out from the airport terminal to the cab stand, she said, wow I really do admire your energy and persistence! No matter how much I criticise you, tell you to back off, or just leave me alone, you just don't stop! I beamed and said, "of course, i'm more nagging than your mother! and I'm proud of it! I'll continue to do it, be committed to your health, but not attached!" So my point is, be 10x excited and rock your life!