Living into the future I am creating today

It is new year's eve and I am sitting in bed watching satc and typing out this message. That is right, no parties, no sydney trip, no dinners with people. Why? Because I am sick and have a blocked nose and a  stomach that is ready to be upset at any second now.

I often ponder the validity of my choices. That I choose to drive myself to the ground? What am I trying to prove really? And to whom? That I have a goal and that I cannot fail? The only way is forward?

What is particularly poignant is the FB pages of everyone, be it fireworks in Sydney, holiday trips with their loved ones, or even a homely dinner. Yet here I am alone, pondering, not really stressing, but more to nurture my cold / flu / annoyance. Not really getting to live life as I should. I remember the days where I used to enjoy going out to parties. Certainly a bit too old for that. I certainly don't get to live life to the fullest as I would like to. Oddly enough I am at ease with my choice though. Unlike last year or years before where I was genuinely unhappy or upset on NYE boat trip (probably 3 years ago), this time, I am clear about where it is I am going and what I need to be doing to get there.

Hence the ease and peace of mind. There is nothing like clarity, tranquility and peace of mind. 

MY BELIEF IS MY REALITY - 25 DEC 2013

Last few months have been very tough for me. I have been learning so much about how to lead myself and be the cause in the matter of a lot of things. But at the cost of everything else in my life, my health, my self confidence in image, my friendships and social life, along with my recreation 

Motivational desire to be the best in Lyoness, best form of me as a radiant, glorious goddess of a woman

• What is my why? - starting my biz, 
• believe that i can change
• UNLOCK MY BELIEFS. - e.g. a tree, roots vs branches. assume every leaf represents my behaviour around love, friend, money, myself. the whole from outside but each leaf is a behaviour. if change myself, i change the behaviour i.e. scissors and cut the leaves and that is willpower by cutting the leaves over and over again. trace that belief all the way down to the root, why i have that belief, which is feeding that behaviour. what happens to that leaf? the behaviour will die. 
• when how where who does it affect what does it do?
• don't ask why questions. because these are  
• how can i lose weight?
• when can i lose weight
• who can help me?
• where can i get help
• what do i get from losing weight?
• my circumstance will not be the same as

i am never going to settle for unhappiness. (not i am never going to settle for second best)

i rather be happy, than winning and on top. 

what is really my commitment? 

I WANT TO CREATE ANY POSSIBILITIES I WANT FOR MYSELF AND MY FAMILY. 

understand myself clearly because i look at the beliefs. choose the beliefs that work for me. 

1. choose happiness
2. cultivate mental strength - conversation i have with myself esp during difficult times. my thoughts are the core of my mental strength. build great strong conversations with myself
3. derive confidence within myself. what do i really want?

Is my belief that, I AM NOT LOVED? OR I DON'T DESERVE LOVE?

MY BELIEFS - I AM LOVE, I DESERVE LOVE. 

Racket is I don't deserve love. 

what are the corresponding actions? 

eat fatty food, don't care about my looks, don't go and mingle with boys, focus on work only and leave no time for myself. 

Payoff 

• can be lazy
• 
  

don't allow what happened to me shape me. categorically go through what happened to me and what i have allowed to shape me. 

choosing happiness. 

i really can do anything i set my mind to. i don't know how to talk, 

losing weight. 

i am going to be wealthy, i have nothing to lose, i have everything to gain. 

I CAN DO ANYTHING I SET MY MIND TO. 

WHAT ARE MOST IMPORTANT TO ME RIGHT NOW?

my family and my long term fulfilment. fulfilment seems like such a 

Where it hurts the most, I throw em like a child

Threw a huge tantrum yesterday when LB told me they don't need me to go on Sunday anymore.

I don't know what the internal conversation is that has led me to react.

I am not needed?
I am rejected?
I did what I had to do but my expectation was not fulfilled?

Fact / interpretation, fact / interpretation.

Who am I

Who am I, to be so arrogant, thinking that I know the best for others because I make assumptions and reach decisions for them?
Who am I, to be so selfish, that I shut off people's possibilities and possible access to their dreams, simply because I am afraid of rejections?

Be a stand, be an educator.

For being nice makes no difference. For playing small makes no difference. For seeing other people as small people, most definitely makes no difference.

I MUST LIBERATE MYSELF AND SET MYSELF FREE.

i woke up with a bad dream. i was in some random city, visiting this house w whole bunch of ppl then somehow found out this house enslaves people so i had to find out ways to escape. I had to kill or do extreme measures.

What is really scary is that I realised this was an analogy for my life. But at least in the dream it was damn obvious that it was slavery and murdering me, while in real life this is much less obvious. I was being suffocated silently and murdered slowly without me even realising it.

My subconscious mind must be aware of it and trying desperately to send me a message. I must escape, and not be like EVERYONE ELSE.

I MUST LIBERATE MYSELF AND SET MYSELF FREE. 

THE POWER OF FOCUS AND MY THOUGHT!

If I follow the path of fulfillment, the action is the

In order to be wealthy, I first need to have a wealthy mindset.

Sept has been extremely tough for me, I tried so hard, yet the fruits I could reap were only 1/2.
事倍功半is the only way to describe it...

Gratitude is empowering. Choose to search for what is good in my life.
Companionship, friendship,

It is a pay check I am already working for, I am sure it is coming, just now sure when it is coming.
I wanna glow, by feeling my gratitude, graditutde will become the magnet that attracts

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.

Gratitude feels like fulfillment. Bringing fulfilment into my life, onto demand.

In order to be someone, I must HAVE something. WRONG!!!

Reverse of this is true.

First step of success is to embody the vision of the success I want to have!

What is the vision of the success I want to have?

The vision of the success I want to have is to BE A RADIANT GODDESS!
THAT I AM INSPIRING, DOING SOMETHING I LOVE, MAKE A CONTRIBUTION TO OTHERS. MY PARENTS ARE HAPPY, HEALTHY AND WELL TRAVELED!

Be detached to the result. You are entitled to your actions, not the result of your actions.
If you follow the path of fulfilment, then the action is the result.

In order to be a glowing person, you must first glow.

The only thing you can control is effort

In sports, the only thing a player can truly control is effort. The same applies to business. The only thing any entrepreneur, salesperson or anyone in any position can control is their effort. - Mark Cuban

To read: his biography

Also what made SN the US president so great?
1. She is a fantastic story teller, she can deconstruct complex stories and present it in such a way that my grandma can understand
2. She exudes ease and grace, in the face of scepticism and doubts
3. She calls for empathy - she cries on the calls such that people feel it is such an honor to be able to be part of her team and contribute to her

I can do all of that.

An introduction leader is ...

I am a stand and I'm gonna remaining standing

The most incredibly frustrating thing happened on Sat whereby this person who wanted to sign up as TS under N turned out to know guys from cross lines and switched lines instead. What was upsetting perhaps is the added complication of this being a repeat business from J and to add insult to the injury, both of the people who told him to switch have benefited from my BIs before. This made me really upset, because of 1) thwarted intention to build Thailand and 2) unfulfilled expectation that people have the common decency to call you and say well too bad, I'm sorry it happened. NOTHING.

What I choose is to be a stand for my team's possibilities and be empowering for them. What I'm not committed to is to run a racket and letting it affect my performance.

What I really enjoy is being able to meet different sorts of people through my downlines or my friends, listen to different people's possibilities as they go on to build their dreams.

My commitment is to build multi millionaires out of my team, not just cos I want to help myself, but to be a stand for people.

I vow to be an inspiring leader of love, a stand for possibilities and indefatiguable beacon of shining hope that represents persistence and never say never.

What I also choose is to be introducing myself as ZHOU QING YUAN's ZHOU, not Jay Chou's Chou.

Breakdowns and trust issues

So w N joining my team and be the first active Thai TS, I am very proud. But with breakthroughs inevitably come breakdowns. The promise of putting J under N so N can go to Vienna in time was in place for a whole week, then suddenly yday she changes her mind and wants to put J under L. The whole farce escalated until J said she will quit and not do it because she doesn't want to be a human football being kicked around. The nastiness of the whole situation is overwhelming and I was very upset, while keen to protect my downline.

I catch myself that when I am angry and try to get back at somebody, I try to retaliate and be very nasty. So I told N to call J and sign her up. I conveyed my anger and disappointment to C and A at the C3 dinner as well. Also later on JH because I have a real trust issue with her.

My commitment is to make multimillionaires from my team. 3 of them at least.

L
D
N

So far, the pilot has fallen asleep again. Which is fine, I have come to realise there is a fine balance between being a stand for people vs wasting my time.

What am I giving up?

Grudges against ppl, ie keep on blaming them for what they did in the past.
What am I committed to?
To being FUN, full of life and unstoppable!!!

That N and L go to L3 this month and D go to L2 this month.
 

HISTORIC DAY

Historic in two senses: realising my POINT OF VIEW, and potentially capturing a big market share in Thailand.

Realising my point of view and how i have sentenced myself to a life of 'I am a boy' all along. Thanks to J, yet I thought I was doing him a favor by hanging out with him, little did I know how sharp and powerful he is as a coach. Even the way I address people, "dude", "wtf", "crap", "shit" so on and so forth. The way I like squarish bags, pants, jackets (instead of shawl or scarf, this was quite shocking as i never realised).

I just realised deep down I am a girl trapped in the need to be a boy, inside the point of view that I sentenced myself to. Guys, L, A, M, they all think they can leave and I will not be hurt. Little did they know how much I hurt. I even thought I can act like a man and not care, but at the end of the day I realised I am just a girl, waiting to be loved and cared for. Oh how suppressed have I been!

Also important is realising I have collapsed my natural desires with wanting to be back in with A. The ultimate solution, as J correctly pointed out, will be to cut off ties w A in this whole FWB business and be committed to be in a stable and fulfilling relationship. No action, no results! New action, new results! This is my commitment to myself!!!

Second is N joined and her potentially starting out to be a top leader in Thailand. Seriously exciting!!! Also stressful as I really want to be of great support as a leader as well. 

CAP course

I set myself up so that my story will show up.
OMG SO EXCITED!!! LS HELPED ME WITH I AM, I AM NOT!

I AM NOT LOVED, BECAUSE I AM NOTHING!!!
the sore spot was still mum leaving for Aust and no one cares for me, cos I am nothing!!! OMG, feel so free now.

to not be stupid, i'm not loved, so it's ok for me to be fat and not in a relationship. 

RACKETS AND MORE RACKETS!

What are my rackets?
Persistent complaints, PLUS a fixed way of being.

What do I complain about work, family, friends or hk?
The list goes on endlessly, but the key one w C, w parents and w my team in L makes a big burden on my mind.

I came to realise out of the 'sea of opinion' distinction that, over the past 3 weeks i have been stressing myself out because I saw that I let the 'in order to' take over. Instead of being a stand of the nurturing and fulfilment of my members I made it about me and my own stats such that I was too focused on how many points they were producing for me. This clearly breaches my initial commitment of 'everyone achieve their dream' and financial freedom.

SO THE POSSIBILITY I AM INVENTING FOR MYSELF AND MY LIFE IS TO BE A LEADER WHO STEPS UP, WITH A COMMITMENT FOR THE FULFILMENT AND FINANCIAL FREEDOM OF HER MEMBERS! I will have an enrollment conversation with T, S and J. 

I am the calling for... no one ever gives me what i want.

MF told me this morning the role of CLS is filled already by ILP19, when I was under the impression that he is not concurrently looking for another person.

A told me to not go to the workshop tomorrow because there are too many people going and it's important that I finish the financial forecasts. Honestly I find it so annoying that people never give me what I want. WHAT I FKING WANT!!

#1 - if there are people with whom you haven't gotten complete, get complete with at least one other person. Practice recreating what they say as an access to getting complete.
- invent a new possibility for yourself in that relationship that is a victory over the past and enroll that person in your having gotten that possibility
- enroll at least one other person in your having gotten the new possibility you have invented for yourself and your life

#2 - notice how much you do not accept the people in your life; how many stories you have about them. write down what you notice.

#3 - with at least one person, take action to make a difference with them
- make a diff with many more than one person, be unreasonable
- for many of you, the form of making a difference will be to share yourself and invite people to our next session
- whatever your expression is, your assignment is to make a difference with at least one person, or fail to make a difference with someone

Relationship #5

What i learned from relationship seminar on mon night. quite useful and perhaps food for thoguht for you too

in terms of being self expressed and completions, the #1 formula is 

1. giving up my point of view

2. share my inauthenticity w the other party - ie what have i been inauthentic about w him / her

3. do it in the context of generating and expressing love/partnership/romance, ie what it is you are committed to creating w him

4. don't do the conversation like dumping all you want to say onto him, but have it as a genuine conversation where you open up, which can also encourage him to do the same. 

sorry should have sent you earlier, i actually thought of you when i wrote this down in class, but been overwhelmed w stuff. anyways hope it's helpful. 

Day 22 - let's recalibrate

Starting today I am going to very carefully measure what I eat in terms of calories, food compositions and the times I eat. So here is today's food diary:

Breakfast: 1 sweet potato, size of my right hand with 5 fingers closed together
Lunch + afternoon tea: 2/3 cup of mixed beans, fist sized pork and 2 bowls of soup
Dinner: 1/3 cup of Caesar (with salad dressing so I quickly disposed of it), and a salmon steak, with of 3 fingers and length of my hand (quite fatty, I ate the skin too).

Exercise: 30 mins of mild meditative standing poses

Very happy that Y told me during dinner that I am indeed a very good listener these days. Being a clearing for what other people have to say. Rather than listening to my own internal conversations and waiting for my turn to speak.

Also happy that I honoured my word and went to dinner w Y rather than bailing last minute due to the presentation I have to do that is due tomorrow.

It is not the number of hours I put into doing this, but rather, what I actually do in those hours.

Commitment, how bad do i want this? burning desire

i take challenges proactively and use setback as a driving force
i apply creative and innovative solutions to problems to achieving my goals
i anticipate problems and always prepare backup plans
i am principle oriented and make certain that specific goals, plans and milestones are set
i dare to take risks and embrace entrepreneurial spirit
i show determination to achieve goals over time and resist any pressure to be deflected from this attainment

Isagenix - Day 1

Day 1 of Isa 30 day program
I was pretty excited to start it. But first day is pretty hard, mostly because I got hungry fairly easily and had to take an apple and a pear in the afternoon to make up for it.

5 things each day - CP, on Jack Canfield,
what can i do in my life? 5 things each day
5 presentations, talk to 5 new people every day about this - consistency. 5 invitations / launch parties, research 5 people each day. Inspire 5 people in their lives.

High achievers never give up, they practice their persistence.
writer got rejected once a week for four years

MJ was cut from his high school bball team.
Coca cola only sold 400 bottles in first year

churchill was rejected from oxbridge
1962-68, 9 albums all commercial failures (diana ross)

Follow up with prospect after 1st contact.
only 10% of sales contact prospect more than 3 times. loss of opportunity!!!
3%, 2%, 10%, 80% sales made after 5-12th contact

Choose and chew

Went hiking with Cap Sun this morning to the peak. It was a very enjoyable walk mainly because of the connection we have. The key takeaways were choose and chew.

I always have a problem in choosing. Just look at the pile of stuff I always have, pondering whether to keep them or throw them away. Fearing that if I throw them away, I am missing out on something. The key is to choose powerfully and then be content with my choice. Without fretting or regretting.

Another is to chew until the stuff in my mouth is mushy. Start with 30 and move to 100 chews on each bite.

Roberto Bolle

Discipline. Responsibility. Influence the world with ballet.
 

Stop talking. Start doing.

Last Wed, J told me my job 90% won't be available and I was in a big shock but still promised to finish all my work, the deliverables.

What I want
- don't procrastinate in responding to people, don't go AWOL on responding to people (delay in responding to S's email when she's helping me, delay in responding to S's msg when I'm requesting a meeting)
- if people contact me incessantly to the point of stalking, just reply them say i will get back to them, rather than AWOL
-


Assignment for the day from my buddy A:
1) stop telling people what I got (unless they ask) and start living it. People will see it for themselves
2) be quiet and listen today, like a monk who choose not to speak

Stop talking and start taking actions! Live into the FUTURE I am creating today.

The future I want!
1) Start my side business by June (skin care, communications)
2) Lose 10 kg by 30 Jun 2013
3)

Go beyond yourself and think about what you want to contribute to other people.

I want to make a difference in the following ways:
1. people can see their possibilities and live their dreams
2. speech and presentation meeting
3. create business that produce products people need, and can use with peace of mind
(baby clothing, men's skincare,
neglected things

FROM NOTHING, I AM NOW THE POSSIBILITY OF EVERYONE IN THE WORLD LIVE THEIR DREAMS!

I WANT TO DREAM BIG: WHAT DO I REALLY WANT??
1. my own business, create value, I want to achieve turnover of HK$1m by next Feb.
2. start communication / coaching / presentation business

think about what I could do for others.
1. life coach
2. public speaking and confidence
3. be inspiring by doing what I'm scared off

People who are inspiring they go to do what people don't dare to do. They are just normal people who have done something extraordinary.

What has worked for me?
1. Running - just set a goal and put in a structure of running 3x a week and do it, without thinking too much. So I NEED TO DO THAT AS WELL.
2. I just call people up without thinking too much to complete. Without hesitation or story.

 

Martyr

i give in to my feelings a lot, shows on my face if i don't put up with something
always look for what's wrong with me and what to fix
people just want to vent, so let them! then create the possibility with them
want it bad enough to really show it

you are not a martyr

 

THIS IS IT

Dear ILs & ILPers...

So it's about 2.40am and my mind is deliriously happy. Sunday morning was but 43 hours ago, but it feels like a century away already. Because the me from Sunday morning, and the me now, there's about a world apart. and I want to share with you.

Just by participating in the 10km stan chart race, I got the BIGGEST breakthrough of my life. I am so happy with this stupid grin on my face.
At about 2km, usually a difficult point for me, there were people standing on overhead bridge cheering for us. For that moment as I ran past I felt so proud. My brain flashing a funny image, when I was 12yo, and chubby kid as I always have been, the imagery of me limping behind my father, with a rope tied one end to my waist, and the other end to his, huffing and puffing and feeling barely alive after a few laps, to now, actually attempting a 10km. Yes that's right! 10KM! Easy for others, but for me to be an actual runner it would have been unfathomable previously.

Along the way, I was constantly comparing myself mentally to fit girls, you know, the ones with pretty, lean muscles. In those super fancy and colorful sports gears I'd never dream of wearing. I even mentally pegged myself to this tall leggy blondie, thinking I will keep my pace to hers. I did, for about 2km til I lost her to the crowd at the water stop. And when every so often I run past some thin girls who were walking, I just felt great.

Then at about 6km, something happened.

Along the way I was really touched and inspired by visually impaired youths running, holding onto guiding runners, on the side lane. Or an old man, running by himself, grasping his bird cage, with his pets inside. Or the adorable couple, in wedding gown and tux, leaping vivaciously and full of joy, with their hands tightly held.

As I ran, words on the back of people wearing Standard Chartered tee shirts kept on flashing across my eyes. "Run for a reason". All of the people I saw ran for a reason, to express themselves that "they can", or express their love, either for each other or their pets.

But what was I doing?? That very moment, the lightning bolt struck.

THROUGHOUT THIS RACE, ALL I HAVE BEEN DOING IS COMPARING MYSELF TO 'FIT PEOPLE' So i can prove that me, as the 'chubby / unfit person', can ALSO do what OTHERS DO. But who the **** really cares?

TALL
SHORT
FAT
THIN...

Nobody really cares what you look like, everyone is too busy running their own race. All that really matters is you run, and finish the darn run! That moment, everything became so clear.

For the past month, I have led 4 introductions, even one the day before the race. And I was so frustrated when John or others keep on asking me 'what's missing'. To which I was always a bit annoyed cos I didn't know. But during that lightning strike moment, everything was so clear.

ALL MY LIFE, I HAVE ONLY BEEN FOCUSING ON MYSELF, TO PROVE MYSELF. COS GOD KNOWS, I DIDN'T LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH. BECAUSE I HAVE FELT INFERIOR FOR ALL MY LIFE, because of my body image issue and low self esteem as a kid. I lived in this this story that 'I'm not like other girls' because I couldn't be girly, skinny, obedient like 'other girls'. As a result, I have always acted bold, outspoken, cos I desperately wanted to be 'different to other girls'. So I always tried hard to be not shy, be a good public speaker or entertainer, class clown, be bold, 'cos i'm not like other girls'. All this time i've been leading, I was out there for a lot of the time, but i now see that my being was still ultimately about proving myself to be 'not inferior'.

But who's really been judging me? No one but myself!!

As I found over the past 5 months 3 weeks and 1 day, I have a HUGE heart (^ ^), a BIG stand for people and REAL desire to contribute to others. But my identity of proving i am 'not inferior' has been constantly battling with the real me. Now that I am going to lead again, I will really make this be about them, not about myself, or proving i'm not inferior.

Finally, I saw this biggest blind spot of my life so far yet, and choose to give it up. Even as I type this now, tired with my eye lids about to shut, I am so excited for my new found freedom and soooooo excited to share with you!

I really want to thank all of you and share with you how excited i am to GET THE REAL ME OUT THERE, and prevail over that identity of 'i am not inferior' cos i am definitely good enough to make a difference to other people!

Without further adieu, the whatso is - I AM LEADING TONIGHT, TUESDAY 26 FEB 7.30PM IN HUNG HOM (FRANK'S PLACE).

I am going to make a difference to the people that are important to you.

I am going to lead like I am sharing my life with my best friend. AND...

I am going to lead like it is the LAST TIME I AM EVER GOING TO LEAD.

Cos the truth is, I have been an arrogant jerk since Day 1 of ILP, confident that I 'would eventually become an IL, somehow, but eventually'. Taking this precious privilege for granted. That, I now see, simply does not work.
And it won't.
Because only the humble, committed and those who pour their heart and soul out, I mean OUT, EVERY LAST DROP OF IT, deserve to lead. So now, I accept the real and distinct possibility that I don't deserve to be an IL if I am not who I am committed to be who I said I will be. That is the consequence to bear for not going beyond. It's painful, but I'm willing to take it if I can't make your guests see what is possible for themselves or make a difference to them.

So, tonight, I really promise to GIVE IT MY ALL. My all, and then whatever the result, I will be content and at peace with whatever difference I have made to those important to you. And whatever result I get. IS. PERFECT. (yes, John, Hartly, and all of you ILs, annoyed as I am everytime this word comes up, it is damn true. LOL)

So I request that you play with me, for me and bring guests. For I have gotten so much from Landmark, I have so much to share. HECK, I am DYING TO SHARE!!

Marvellous Marion is my Candidation Manager. If there is someone you want to bring, please kindly let her know. (cc'd)

Last but not least, may I request that you please also play for my fantastic classmate Chris Tam, the guy is simply amazing and committed to making a difference to people. He is also holding an introduction on Tuesday at 7.30pm and Jim is the CM (both are cc'd).

ILP 18, Four days to go? WOW this is soooooooo exciting!!! CAN YOU FEEL YOUR ALIVENESS!!!

WITH SO MUCH LOVE, PLUS A BIG HUG, QY "CHUCKLES" STYLE,

QY

The thing about abundance and falling in and out

B came over to cut my hair on V Day! LOL
To be honest initially I was a bit sceptical cos she never had training as a hairdresser (for god's sake she's a ex banker who should theoretically, only know how to make $ haha). But the effect was awesome. What's more, she brought me a major breakthrough that I felt so loved and cared for afterwards. Being unblinded.

Ever since Dali I have been falling in and out of my head about the story of "I can't". Dali trip was awesome where the level of authenticity w T has just risen to a level I've never had with anybody. She really told me what's what and cleared me of my internal dialogues and thoughts of dissatisfaction about "how come i don't get this and that" out of ILP etc. On the trip I got present to the fact that I haven't been getting results because I haven't been taking actions! T got results because she bloody took a lot of actions! Instead of following suit I've been procrastinating and whining about why people don't 'give me' and make things fall in my lap.

The possibility I want to create is to
1) ST - double my income by next year this time
2) ST - start my own coaching business
3) MT - build an eco-tourism boutique hotel in Yunnan, China that promotes Chinese culture and history
4) Very LT - build 5 schools and hospitals in China

What B got me present to was how much love and care I gotten from other people and how I love making other people wrong to affirm my story that people are inherently not there for me and that I play alone. As B told me about how she always had the story that she firmly believed people will help her in her life, I never had that similar feeling. In fact if people actually help me I feel 1) awkward 2) doubtful 3) don't think it'll be any better than if I do it myself

When she bursted into tears telling me she cancelled her painting class to be my RC on the first night. I really felt like an a$$hole cos that night my little brain had the story that she was not fully with the guest etc. But she is who she is and what happened is what happened. I don't need to make it to mean anything really. I was so not present!!!

This is a repetitive pattern! All my life i've been judging how people are not there for me and then think to myself why i'm not as happy or am 'darker' than other people. Or not as happy as T! Now I understand! I just need to give up the story of people not there for me and be present to the love and contribution I'm getting from others! It really will be awesome!

What's important for me is how to regenerate myself everytime I feel disempowered and recognise that it's okay, get off it and move on!

Out of body experience

Led my second candidation intro yesterday, this time in the office. It's amazing and almost had an out of body experience where I was speaking to a guest that Angela brought in from the street. I was with this Nigerian gentleman for so long and was so committed to creating his possibility that I was touched, moved and inspired by myself that I bursted out crying when I was enrolling him. Cos I was so sad that he couldn't see his possibility, which was to be an elected politician and make a difference in his community and help secure his family's financial future in the mean time.

The Hart and the Heart

In class yday T suddenly said she will also run for candidation on thur, my immediate reaction was it's not fair, not really because of whether she will compete for guests, but the fact that H offered to be her IL. H means the world to me so my initial reaction was flabbergasted. Then after a long clearing I realized I have been in a mental slump since I came off that diet. Maybe inherently I felt like nothing works, not even this damn diet and as a result everything spiraled out of control subsequently. H asked me to do a

Painful weekend

Feels like another one of those torturous weekend where I managed to not see any of my friends and worked til very late because of procrastination.

Chat to G reveals that I feel a loss of power because I don't give enough time to anything I'm meant to do. As a result when I try to pack everything in as I cram, I set myself up for failure. So immensely frustrating. Because the inevitable failure just affirms my own story that I can't be a success. But even Einstein can't do the job in the amount of time I've given myself. As a result I am bracketing the angst Today and do the best I can on this preso today. Focus and be present. God knows I haven't been present at all over the past few days, since thur in fact.

Annette
Wow, this message must come across as very abrupt, after a 13 year gap in communication. Hope all is going well with you. The reason for my MSG is that I recently did a life coaching course that has helped me with uncovering my blind spots that have been inhibiting me in the past and allow me to move on by putting back the past in the past. So this is a conversation I'm having to complete my past and move on with the new.

You know I had a dawning realization last night and it's that In how I deal with friends I have never moved beyond the year 2000, ie when I was 16 and we all went to china in yr 10. What it is is that, you were one of the first close friends I had in life and I devoted so much energy and care into it cos I was so excited to have a close friend that I actually called you Jie Jie, and did silly things like folding origami cranes and prayed for your luck. You know, actually I take it back, it was not silly, but earnest and really doing cos I was hoping to contribute to you. And then how we ended, the exact details of which I can't even remember, but that I remember you criticising me for being fat, telling me not to wear certain clothes etc and that I should not be so childish and adore you with the love and admiration that i did but rather , should've been less naive and more shrewd like Janet, was such a huge blow that I never recovered from for the past 13 years. As betrayal. And that I'm not good enough. As such, even though subsequently I have met such amazing people from all over the world who are all willing to contribute to me, the one and only conversation I have been entertaining in my head and which is blinding me to the love and care I have been receiving is that, no matter how close I get to my friends, in the end they will betray me, tear my heart out and shatter it pieces. That's how I felt in 2000 and it remained that way til last night. I didn't know all this time but last night I saw loud and clear that no matter how much I give, i was always subconsciously looking for evidence that they are unreliable, will leave or disappoint me and that my naïveté will be mocked again, just like how you did, or at least that's how it occurred to me for all this time.

However I now realize that is just a story that I made up which has been tormenting me. What happened was, you and I did not work out, there is no need to make it to mean that I'm not good enough or that everyone else will disappoint me. So I'm now ready to let it go and move on. I am sorry for being impulsive and wayward at times. I still remember you were trying to pull me back from an argument with the librarian at the computers. Perhaps this was all my own doings and I made you wrong and resented you for all these years, while caging myself in the story that I am not good enough.

I am excited to open a new chapter where nothing from my past inhibits me and I can see clearly and embrace all the love and contribution that my amazing friends are giving me. I thank you for your friendship and wish you the best for everything.

Love,
QY (Jane)

I'm sorry

I'm sorry what i said occurs as not having faith in you. don't take it personally cos it's not about no faith in you. you know i rely on you a LOT. it's my own shortcomings that i am generally so used to playing alone that i feel like everyone is doing me a favor, you agreeing to be my cm is a big favor to me. i actually believed you will play for me, FULL OUT. but something i haven't been authentic with you is an inquiry if there is anything in the way you enrol your guests such that it is not as powerful as the amazing person that you are. i've already shared with you how much i love you as my friend, and how much i look up to you for the personal traits & qualities you have that i don't.

also i'm so used to playing alone and not good at all at asking for help, so as a result i couldn't be authentic and really come out and ask abt guests / assists during the day to chk status. cos i felt like you are doing me a favor therefore leave all to you and not ask anything.

1) i don't even believe that i will pass. so no wonder you probably don't even believe in that. it's completely okay, cos i need to be the cause in the matter of my life, not you. whatever i do correlate to my source and ppl see that. and given the disempowering context i've created for myself, the result yday is a mirror of that. it's loud and clear that it's my responsibility
2) l'm is supposed to be a mirror so whatever is not working in my life is cos i'm not making it work, not ilp. i hate that i don't have time for social life but i am the one choosing powerfully. if i want out, i can be out of ILP this very second. but i'm not, and i won't. ditto with your commitments for your family and friends. choose powerfully. i hope you do.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry what i said occurs as not having faith in you. don't take it personally cos it's not about no faith in you. you know i rely on you a LOT. it's my own shortcomings that i am generally so used to playing alone that i feel like everyone is doing me a favor, you agreeing to be my cm is a big favor to me. i actually believed you will play for me, FULL OUT. but something i haven't been authentic with you is an inquiry if there is anything in the way you enrol your guests such that it is not as powerful as the amazing person that you are. i've already shared with you how much i love you as my friend, and how much i look up to you for the personal traits & qualities you have that i don't.

also i'm so used to playing alone and not good at all at asking for help, so as a result i couldn't be authentic and really come out and ask abt guests / assists during the day to chk status. cos i felt like you are doing me a favor therefore leave all to you and not ask anything.

1) i don't even believe that i will pass. so no wonder you probably don't even believe in that. it's completely okay, cos i need to be the cause in the matter of my life, not you. whatever i do correlate to my source and ppl see that. and given the disempowering context i've created for myself, the result yday is a mirror of that. it's loud and clear that it's my responsibility
2) l'm is supposed to be a mirror so whatever is not working in my life is cos i'm not making it work, not ilp. i hate that i don't have time for social life but i am the one choosing powerfully. if i want out, i can be out of ILP this very second. but i'm not, and i won't. ditto with your commitments for your family and friends. choose powerfully. i hope you do.

Oh Happy day! Enough hiding!

Dear all!

A very WARM morning hug from me! I have just came out of hibernation for the past 2 months and decided to PLAYYYY. This past weekend has been so excruciating, where my repetitive pattern that has been stopping me on my path to my dream has surfaced so loud and clear. It is now clear than ever that MY BIGGEST FEAR IN LIFE IS NOT THAT I AM A FAILURE, BUT THAT I AM SUCCESSFUL BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS! As such, I just sabotage my way every time I come remotely close to achieving something for myself.

I procrastinate -> then when sh** hit the fan and I really can't stand it anymore, I DECLARE I'M PLAYING -> then because I left so little bloody time to do, it's just impossible and ill prepared -> then I get demoralised and repeat the story of 'I JUST CAN'T'. Sob, curl up in a ball and find somebody to blame cos I love victimising myself in the story "I play alone!"

Now, enough is enough and I don't want to be stopped anymore! As such, this morning I am getting out of my head and dealing with the whatso and asking for your support (pretty please)!!!

• 1 white card I need
• 1 guest for Tiffany's candidation intro tonight (7.30pm, @ Thien's place in Long Beach, Olympic)
• 4 guests for my candidation intro tomorrow night (7.30pm, @ Thien's place in Long Beach, Olympic)

Even this very moment, my mind wavers slightly as do my fingers tremble somewhat over the keyboard, with such a heightened emotion and sense of empowerment that i haven't sensed before. The enthusiasm mixed with fear. But you know what? Isn't that what life is ALL ABOUT? Prance into the seemingly dark & unknown future and ready to embrace the light cos this very moment i lift my head and say "YES I CAN!" Ditto the next moment, and the one after.

Thank you very much for your support as always! I never cease to be amazed by and am forever indebted to the level of humanity this group shows me everyday! =)

--

Warm regards,
QY Zhou
+852 69068823

YES I CAN!

Wow how to focus and get results is to really just get out of my head and say OK I WILL DO IT!

I am determined to do my candidation intro tomorrow, I'm organising guests for T tonight, I'm studying my pnp for tomorrow, I'm enrolling others to give me a white card, Nothing is impossible when I'm out of my head!!!

 

In my head

Throughout the whole of yesterday I saw how much I love to victimize myself and then blame other people for my circumstances. Yesterday that person was T, my candidation manager.

In fact, my pattern goes like this, I procrastinate, don't plan and leave everything til last minute. Then when shit hits the fan I get so fed up w the urgency and declare I will take action. But by then there is simply not enough time and as a result I get so demoralized. In The process I victimize myself and complain that I play alone and no one else is here for me.

In the past that person has been C cos we used to see each other so frequently. Now since our paths cross so few times, I really come to blame other people. Really, find anyone to blame that I can find as target.


I also caught myself thinking so much, because of yet another conflicting scheduling. Thinking is so tiresome. If I just get off my arse and do, it's so much easier.

I want to break the pattern and really focus on pnp today and mock. That way, at least I get two things done.

Day #5 wrap, disastrous rock bottom, with imminent rebound

Watching tv after getting home and 5L of water. The movie single people.

I really come to appreciate good food. How I long for a bite of mussel, the Bavarian cafe one in Sydney, along with fries. How I have been abusing my body with crap for all this time, not caring for quality, just quantity instead.

I promise to reduce my appetite by half and really eat small petite size from hereon.

Today during the weekend, I was so in my head and completely broke down in front of the class. Initially abt the detox, then about the work, which was really what's affecting me.

Then I called Charlotte to come to be acknowledged and she said something that so touched me. She said I always had this big commitment to be helping other people and during the first mock, I was related and really handled Nicole's questions with ease and grace. However what happened since then? I have been so in my head and not present to my commitment.

She also created such a beautiful picture where mum would be guest at one of my landmark intro or when I become a life coach. And imagine her joy when I'm really helping other people. My contribution to others. Wow, I must say that never occurred to me as a possibility. I was so excited touched moved and inspired by that

Day 3! hunger subsiding but sleep deprived

Hunger is subsiding as my body adjusts to the new rhythm. However am a bit sleep deprived from A's special intro. Had 6 guests last night and all 6 actually turned up, which was impressive in itself. E registered. Throughout the intro she kept on using her phone, so I thought she was not very interested. However after enrolling her a bit, she actually signed up, which was a pleasant surprise.

Father took on calling me in the mornings. He gave me a lot of advice this morning. It was like 20 years worth of advice oozing out of his mouth over the phone to my eardrums. Maybe he was making up for lost time. I certainly felt loved! Some key pointers
1. get enough rest, be well rested.
2. forgot already, gosh. i think it was along the lines of speak less, listen more.

Possibility today is to bracket my tiredness and be energetic!

Bracketing!

Committed to bracket my worries! Get present to my commitment and get shit done today!

BEING, NOT DOING!

Day 1, I'm mf hungry

6.50pm. Time seemed to have slowed a bit, or maybe faster. I don't know.
But I have been present to my stomach all day long, grumbling, distracting me.

I have been to the toilet for way too many times (#1), the pantry to fill up the water jug way too frequently, to the point I am now almost fed up with practising my prancing around the office like a proper lady.

Blazing clarity. It's crystal clear, it's gold

I feel so sad, angry and grief since yesterday

Clarity. Blazing clarity. Not without a hint of grief but it's crystal clear. It's gold. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I realized I have wasted five years being with somebody, contributing to somebody, realizing this person is so into herself and has been treating me like an idiot, or disposable item, for I am but a tool to help her to get what she wants. Now I finally have clarity and the answers to all those confusions I tried so long to find answers to. All this time that I have been crying, grieving, being sad. Now I come to see, I have to thank her for making me learn how to love. This dance with her in the friendship game is exactly how one should play in the relationship game, for, utter devotion without asking for anything back, is only works, if you meet "the one". Not just someone who takes you for granted. It is now so clear why, she never bother to give any support when I ask her to run, always comfort in saying 'you have lost a lot of weight already, dont worry', she doesnt really bother to bring the souvenir to me. All these is ok, but the most insidious, is that she wants me to be fat, doing poorly, have no friends, so she can be my savior and the fact that I only have her. It's so scary, come to think of it, the whole incident with Linda. Her jealousy and compulsive need to denigrate her in front of me, is nauseating.

Why she stopped communicating when she started dating
Why she never cares I am so drunk and lost my passport in Mexico
Why she suddenly left me in hk on cny without even a pre warning
Why she stopped asking me to hang out now that I don't help her with the speech
Why she never asks me to come out to lkf anymore even when she goes out
She has been keeping me warm on that phrase that she "doesn't keep" any friends, apart from her bf and me. It's very laughable. Because its now so clear to me that she doesn't care for anyone but herself. The way she describes the boyfriend, her underlings, it's so clear that everyone is disposable to her. I'm so aghast that I've been blind to all of this. Granted I've slowly progressed on that path of realisation but My parents definitely accelerated it. For the better.

5 years of struggle, well, the last two particularly. I now feel lighter, clear and enlightened.

What is my take away? Company really matters to me. I need to keep good company. For me, all this time I have been in This dysfunctional relationship where I hope to find validation and the need to prove that I can have a best friend like any other normal people. Now I have the peace of mind and blazing clarity to really see what's good for me, who's good for me and who is not.

My takeaway is it hasn't completely been bad but pretty much started when she started dating. She forgot the pain of betrayal by the ex, forgot how vulnerable she was, and suddenly got more tainted by
Cos I'm clear for my bday in sept 2009 at least she made effort for me. As I did for her bday the following April when we went to kenting. And she was agonizing over gj. All started to go AWOL in 2h10 when she is too busy pleasing her boys, she wanted me to be the sidekick flying to her aide, always available. Fk that. I vow that this is a great lesson to be present to myself, what I want. Never be taken granted.

I will be a force to be reckoned with. That's my new year resolution, who I'm going to be. The rest, is all just doing.


Not without a hint of grief but this is gold.

Mother is so right, she got that through a half hour conversation. I have to admire her.

Force to be reckoned with.
I feel like a failure completely - forgot the tickets at home and had to get the cab to go home to get it.

I need clearing.
What's in my space?
How do I feel?
What is my commitment?
who am i committed to be?

I feel like a failure, scrambling and always change my mind
I just need to stop thinking and start doing.

On the other hand, people like p and c don't bother to reply to me either cos they are 1) busy and or 2) deem me not good enough. Or in my mother's words - 看不起我。 extremely hard to swallow but I think it's true. At least I was able to take in the constructive criticism and take it in

On shuttle bus to work I suddenly realized my occurring now is, I am a belle, real belle trapped inside an extra large coat. Rather than the occurrence that has always been there for me, that I am a blob of fat that no one wants to be near.

有什么好怕的

It's funny. I had a coffee w colleague N yday just to catch up. I was being with her to hear her out about frustration with certain things and how it occurred to her that people inevitably become cynical because there are so many naysayers to changes, cos they are so complacent and / or are afraid of change.

Then for me, she said something of concern to me, just a comment about certain someone that exacerbated my existing fear I had of that person. Then I realised this morning, as I was crossing the street, that I literally, spend more time worrying and fretting about screwing up than I spend time thinking about what I need to do to SUCCEED!! It's funny, how things have panned out potentially represent an opportunity for me. And while other people may tackle it with much enthusiasm and excitement, I face it with fear and worry, thinking "what if I fuck up?"!! Also, in terms of N's comment about this particular person, there is nothing new that she has told me. 伴君如伴虎 is a never failing truth. I just need to get more present to it. N said what he/she said, there is nothing new. I don't need to make any meaning out of it.

Get off the audience seat and get on to the court! Cos I'm playing!

躲不了也不想躲了.

有什么好怕的，我们来到这个世上，就没打算活着会去！

Getting present to my fears

The big boss asked me to do some research. For some reason everytime I have a conversation with him, I am scared, I fret. I don't know why.

I need a clearing. So let me clear myself. Why do I stutter? Why am I nervous??

Cos I pride myself in good writing and he gave me bunch of comments so I deem myself not good enough. But what happened is what happened, my language was just not factual enough and descriptive. Nothing is wrong.

Am I also scared cos of the probation so I feel like I'm on egg shells? Maybe. But I am a confident person and I know who I am and what I am capable of. No need for me to be scared. Do the best to my ability so I can say i havent wasted my talent.

Sense of responsibility

I saw an interview of citibank's CEO on what drives him and he says it's the sense of responsibility he feels for his work, his family and his duties. To me, I am a different person today to who I was yday because I am driven by my responsibility to ILP, to you, and to the people in my lives.

I am committed to Tiffany getting the most out of iLP by completing the program the way it is designed. An to all of you, when all those numbers of registrations u need to do, i invite you to not look at 10. But look at how many ppl in your life, whose lives you want to make a difference to. That will shift your context and how you play your game.

Certainly you have more than 10 members of your friends and family in your lfe? How many of those would you like to make a difference to to their lives?

The need to be strong. Why?

Something I'm coming to terms with after the trip is my need to always be strong when with my mother, esp carry stuff for her. Eg we were lining up for the cab queue out of airport express, i was holding some bags, she offered to help, I immediately reacted and said "no, don't bother, stop hassling me!" The same thing goes for each time she asks me to help me.

I keep asking myself why I'm always like this when I'm with her. No one else, just her. Perhaps it's those shopping trips with her all those years, when dad is away working and not with us. It's always been the two of us. Even throughout high school, I tried to do as much of the carrying as I can cos the amount of groceries we had to collect each time is overwhelming and as a result I always tried to carry more cos I didn't want her to overwork just cos dad was not there. My need to be strong and tough and extend myself is never more apparent than I am with her. now that I come to terms with it, I realise I can let it go. She offers, I can take it, I can choose to not take it. I don't have to react, and consider it my absolute responsibility. She is also making a choice when she offers. I don't have to decide in advance for what's good for her. And I certainly don't need to react.

Devil is in the details and Be optimistic but not too blind

Devil is in the details. I need to SEE, in addition to LOOK, on
- what is there,
- what is lacking,
- what I need to do?

Want to be positive and optimistic but not too blind. So operative practice is to for each positive thought I have, think about what could go wrong, what if's, be the devil's advocate. Always think out all the possible scenarios and outcomes beforehand.

New Year Resolutions 2013!!!

1. Complete my first 10km race in one hour
2. Complete a marathon / triathlon
3. Complete a 15 day liquid detox
4. Write my thoughts & learnings and share generously
5. Start vegetarian Monday, live each day with love & compassion
6. Practice meditation, yoga & tai chi
7. Continue to live without alcohol (except red)
8. Lose the weight I said I was going to lose
9. Be committed to what I stand for & taking actions towards my dream
10. Be bold, loving, compassionate, vivacious, athletic & radiant, with ease & grace, remembering my role models
11. Be with my cicumstances each day, never entertain the conversation that I am a failure, for, what happened is what happened and I am good enough!
12. Embrace each day, by being ALIVE and with INTEGRITY, not by surviving and stop resisting what I know I ought to do
13. Be with the people in my life, be a stand for them and accept them for who they are, and the space they are in
14. Never let an upset stay with me overnight
15. 孝顺父母，即孝也要顺

Trip notes

So we have been the back of a car for hours with a driver who probably thinks he's drag racing on a windy road. In the darkness I woke up and saw mum, sitting upright, hands clenching on the handle and eyes gazing towards the front intently. "Why aren't you sleeping?" I asked. And then my mum,
who's double my age, a few cm shorter and 20lb lighter, said: "Don't worry you sleep, I want to make sure I'm awake so ill jump over to protect you in the first instant there's an accident". Words couldn't quite describe how much love and gratitude I felt and how fortunate I am.

--
the manicurist who told me zen.
so i went to this place called Khunka on the main shopping street in Chiang Mai. she and her colleague literally had the most basic tools to remove my soft gel. What initially is meant to take 30 minutes ended up taking triple the amount of time, and even i as the customer was feeling exasperated cos it was so difficult and time consuming. In the end i asked, "what do you do if you come across something very frustrating?" What she essentially said was what I already know, but it's very difficult to implement in reality and was particularly powerful in light of what was happening. She said too many people face frustration cos they had high expectations, so the higher the expectation, the higher the disappointment. Another point of frustration is, people always try to ask why, or how things have come to this? "Just let it be" was 4 simple words she said.

I am good enough realisations!

18 dec wed
- I am comfortable talking to good looking guys
- I am a stand for Thien
- I wear more dresses
- I didn't eat anything when I get home
- I initiated conversation w Nicolas

28 dec
1. I bother to put on foundation
2. I have good taste in books
3. I have wide interests that's not too Girly, eg Ancient Rome and Chinese history
4. Am avid alto, can blast out tune like true entertainer
5. Ambidextrous and great hand eye coordination. will pick up piano again

30 dec
Happy second last day to 2012!!!
1. Haven't gone berserk on mango in TH
2. Caring for my parents, familial
3. Curious, not afraid to ask questions
4. Caring
5. Determined to make a difference to other people, no matter how minute

31 dec
1. Adventurous
2. Genuine
3. Creative in bed
4. Well versed in Chinese history
5. Beautiful calves

1 jan
1. Have had integrity on issue of running - 9km by end dec
2. Humorous
3. Quick wit
4. Good listener when I remember to listen
5. Determined, finished 12 day vegan diet

2 jan
1. I'm well versed in Chinese culture, eg literature
2. Know how to play chess
3. Had fling with man with hot body, what I always wanted, and he really wants to have sex with me still
4. Grew long hair
5. Take care of my body by consistently moisturizing
7 Jan
1. I realise every good thing I find about myself, my brain is wired to automatically find a reason to counter or invalidate that (the automatic 'but').
2. I am thoughtful - went to pick up magazines for mother as i withdrew cash
3. Good delegation skills, and divide & conquer - assigned small tasks to dad mum and myself to speed up process at airport last night
4. I acknowledge myself for realising clothes go mouldy then they go mouldy, it's what happened, and i should take care to not repeat it, but I AM NOT a failure
5. I acknowledge myself for realising the need to dishoard things, reduce clutter  

Yet some more on relationships

What has been my reason for not being able to date?
I'm not attractive, no one want to be seen in public with me
I don't know how to be loved
I'm too much of a man
I have never been in a relationship before, I'm weird, I'm weird and not like a normal girl
I don't know how to love

Instead of squandering your will power on a strict diet, eat enough glucose to conserve willpower, and use self control for more promising long term strategies

My implementation intention
- if I'm so full but still want to eat, put away my cutlery
- if I'm craving sweets late at night, get on cab and go home via Bonham road or Caine road
- if I'm craving heavy food late at night, jump on a cab
- if I'm eating at late night after 9pm, only order green veges and have one piece of lean meat.
- never Eat with overweight people, only drinks
- in group setting, alway sit next to men
- use fitness pal to record daily intake

List of qualities

Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with me? What make me attractive and interesting?
Vitality
Humor
Compassion? - condition
Caring
Friendly - condition
Patience?
Courage selectively,
Wide variety of interest
Positivity
Charity
Talented?
What are my values?
Chinese history
Chinese culture
Loving
Good in bed, not afraid of looking bad
Radiant
Integrity

What do I want to be?
Elegance
Grace
Femininity
Fit , not lethargic
Youthful
Courage
Creative
Radiant
Glowing
Goddess, who is my idea of goddess?

L's look, cleanliness and how she loves her family N friends
S's substance and talent and fire,
T's love for her friends and family and charity
H/ H's personality and love of life,
H/H 's ease and grace
C1's smile and innocence
Miranda Kerr's career and family balance/ Multi talent,
C2's drive for work/ relentlessness
T2's drive for perfection and fitness
K's financially savvy and take care of myself attitude
TT's Physique
C3 (male)'s entrepreneurialism
L2 (male)'s creativity