VANILLA, CHOCOLATE, CHOOSE!

Did a one on one training last night at KL's for E, who's slow and stopped by whatever he was dealing with. Afterwards had a long chat with KL, and as I was hearing her out on the friendship issues. And as I was trying to empower her into the possibility of choosing powerfully. I just realised I have been so rusty on this front.

Vanilla, Chocolate, choose! Give me the power to be with whatever circumstance that comes up, and choose powerfully. I choose my parents because I choose my parents. I choose myself, cos I choose myself. I choose the incident on 7th Feb because I choose it.

I want to be unstopped. Be a stand.

KL's feedback for me is that I am aloof and unapproachable. Unrelated to people and just up there to do my thing and don't really care where these people are at.

I think whenever I am exhausted, I go back to my old self which is I hate the world, and I hate all of you. All you fuckers so annoying, why can't I have whatever I wanna have??? LOL

VANILLA, CHOCOLATE, CHOOSE!!!

20120923

International random huggers day - 22 sept, 2012

Weird, crazy, strange as it seems to do this, even to the me from one year ago, I was left truly empowered by this experience. There simply isn't enough love and energy out there, and I write this to commemorate this little day I baby stepped outside of my comfort zone. For, everything I want is outside of my comfort zone. So I want to change, transform, and pass on the energy.

So this day was started from 10 years ago in London and has expanded globally.

Yesterday, about 13 of us went around central to give free hugs, and a free sticker afterwards.

I hugged about 70-80 people after 2.5 hours.

In the beginning I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable when many people saw us from afar and walked away, while my buddy the crazy German dude Frank was highly energetic and unflappable. I was mentally hindered. After 20 minutes I thought ok I've had enough of this "I'm scared of looking bad when people reject me" and stormed off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes in the IFC bathroom practicing my smile (yes sure there were people lining up looking at me weird but i was pretty oblivious and determined to do this 'right') during which my buddy was no doubt wondering what on earth I was doing. I felt energized, and positively ready to go.

First stop, Pret in IFC. This one I shall call Rock the House Hugs - I was paying for the juices when the HK shop assistant behind the pret counter was looking at my tee shirt. I proceeded to give him a hug across the counter after I offered and he said sure. Then the others behind the counter also wanted hugs. So Frank and I went around the side and gave hugs to a few more Pret staff who all came out of the counter area. Energy in the whole shop was lifted just in that instant. No doubt the customers were wondering what on earth was going on. ;)

Soon afterwards we were kicked out of IFC onto the IFC walkway for we were 'doing some promotional activities' whatever that means, followed by some interesting observations:

The overwhelming realisation F and I got were that people are so unrelated to and scared of each other. So many people strutted around wearing earphones, I must admit I'm usually a culprit myself, although truth be told in noisy Central or pretty much anywhere in urban HK how clearly you can hear whatever it is you are listening to, is anyone's guess.

- Some people don't hear you properly and automatically walk away and say no no. I'm just like that on the weekends I must admit. Time to let that fear of relating to people go, I told myself.

- People (myself included) are so sceptical and cynical and automatically suspect everything is fishy that we want no part of - "how much you want" we got asked a few times even when we assured them it was all free

- Some people say "I'm fine" thanks I don't need a hug. You see that word I have come to resent in past few months. In fact I get angry when I hear it. Fine. Life's not great, not extraordinary, but 'fine'. Complacency? Dream big, dream extraordinary, dream weird even, don't ever settle for fine. Cos fine, is what stops you from being great, from being extraordinary

- Surprisingly westerners we encountered yesterday were more scared of us vs hong kongers and most hurried along or avoided us like a plague. No worries, after this and LF transformation I've come to realise there is no need to take things personally, EVER.

- Sometimes people make anything up to get out of situations they fear of - I was most amused by an older Hong Kong man who I approached with my very broken Canto - today's free hugs day, would you like a free hug? He said no no I don't know. I pressed on and said "really? but do you know how to hug?" He said no no I don't know as he hurried away. Lol

Then there were some funny ones:

- Most Hong kong guys only want same gender hugs (ditto for their girlfriends or wives), as a result I got to hug my disproportionately high amount of female counterparts haha, as the boyfriends/hubbies no doubt didn't want their partners 'harrassed' by a "weird looking" German

- I learned how to switch channels very rapidly between mando canto and English, sometimes the other person spoke 'I don't know' in mandarin in which case I had to switch rapidly. We managed to capture some 'extra business' from many mainland tourists and some photo opps which Freaking Funny Frank needed some of my language ability to generate (*grin* with a proud look)

- Right in the middle of Queen's Road Central, when some People (mostly girls, and from out of town) would gush aww it's random huggers day. And here I truly need to thank my piano teacher for those sensitive ears where I'd do a swift turn and skipped and hopped towards them and jumped while I  shouted tadaaaaa! yes would you like a free hug? Yes! You do I know it! And we hugged and it was happily ever after.

- Some of the people were so stiff and paralysed when I hugged them, as if they were about to be hugged by a vampire. (O.o I promise I'm not, rahhhh)

- Some volunteered their little kids who were pretty lost as to what was going on and just extended their arms and stood there as I bent down to hug them. So cute. Sniff.

And then there were moments that left me truly moved, touched and inspired.

The pregnant lady - So in the middle of QRC I saw hordes of people (about 20-30) walking towards me all at once and I approached an Asian woman who was about 5-6 months pregnant. I said, it's free hugs day today, would you like a free hug? She said yeah why not and we had a big hearty hug. I then hugged her husband next. He then said you know you actually hugged two people just now, including the little one in her belly. I was very moved, touched and inspired. (*teary*)

There was also a gweilo couple - I hugged the woman first, and then the man said he didn't need a hug as he then proceeded to hug his lady. Arghhhh how sweet was that?!

My partner in crime and I managed to expand our repertoire by the end of that.

Security guards

Ladies holding the signages pointing to shops

Flyer distributors

Real estate agents

Elderly ladies collecting donations

Tourists (Korean/Filippino/Taiwan/China/America)

Helpers, in fact all of Statue Square had a sticker thanks to efforts of our awesome crew

People who I never used to pay attention to, or avoid even. Yet, these are the exact people who make this city function properly.

It just felt so truly liberating to do things just cos. No agenda, no catch, but just to give, and not expecting anything in return. The energy of abundance really works - the more you give, the more you get and the more you have.

Personally it has somewhat helped me overcome my inability to look at people while I speak to them. And really to be with them. Sometimes people hesitate and when you persist, they end up giving the warmest hugs. You just never know.

Everything you want is outside your comfort zone. For that one tiny step outside of my comfort zone yesterday, I got so much. I learned so much. About myself and about the world. And the truly amazing people I was with yesterday, and those of you who were with me every step of the journey for the past 6 months, you guys made all of this possible. I thank you with all my heart. Namaste.

16 days. It is enough, but HOW???

I AM SO ANGRY.
I AM FURIOUS.
I AM HURT.
I AM BURNING INSIDE. LIKE I HAD JUST SWALLOWED A FLY, AND CAN'T SPIT IT OUT.

Had a long stroll with AC along the promenade from Shaukeiwan to my suburb. We stopped half to look at stars.

In the past I would have been very

Fact, interpretation. Fact, interpretation!
The fact is, she said there is a girl code and she hates it when people steal her ex's.
The fact is, she got drunk, and danced with him. The fact is, she is now dating him.
The fact is, he doesn't know that I like him and made move on her.
Interpretation?
That she is a fucking bitch.
She is a self centered bitch who is insecure, attention seeking, spoilt brat, tries to transform but obviously doesn't give a shit when a real conflict of interest comes up and she always places herself first.
The fact is, she told me she will always be here for me and that I am not alone.
My interpretation is she is not trustworthy, and whatever she did for me, was just the easy bit that she was willing to do cos it was the petty bits. Come to the important life and death moments, she cannot be trusted. Period.

My interpretation, it is my own fault that I am fat, unattractive, not groomed, unwanted, coward, inconfident, insecure.
My commitment is that I am confident, bold, radiant, wanted, desirable, confident.

I need a pick me up.

Did I really enjoy her company? Or did I enjoy the idea of someone I can call my own family? The concept is nice, but at the end of the day, the only ones in this world you can truly believe and who truly loves you is your parents. Those are unquestioned love, unrivalled love, undying love.

Everything else, it is like a cloud, easy come, easy go.

It has been 16 days and has seriously affected my February. more than 50% of my production month! She doesn't have to make money to eat, but I do!

My commitment is to be a bold leader.
Picked it up, now time to put it down. What happened is what happened. Face it with calmness, with insignificance. What you are capable of is much more bigger things like bigger purpose in life and alleviating poverty. Life is so empty and meaningless and it is empty and meaningless that it is empty and meaningless.

HOW?????
SHE FUCKING BROKE MY HEARTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Believe that it will be okay cos I say so.

Whatever reason that happens is not important. Just live with the fact that this is what happened and the decision I will make will be....

Expectations and acceptance

I have been tormented since last Fri when JC initiated this party at KL's place and I brought out S, whom I have only met once before but have really come to like. JC and I had a quick conversation in the middle of it whereby I established I really like the guy and she said not to worry she never steals other people's guys anyway. Then as the night went on she got more drunk and ended up making out with him. Now the next step is they will go out on a date. Towards the very end my heart was wrenching such that I had to leave and dragging them with me because KL barely knew them and obviously wanted them out while I was gone.

It has been so hard for me because for the past 7 months I have been strongsuiting all the way, being very driven for my purpose and goal (my in order to is so huge that I wanted to be L7 by sept and L8 by next June). I have lost my feminine touch and need to be reminded that I am a woman after all. 

We had a completion conversation three times. 

First time, after I spoke with Nal, I realised my own fear of rejection. That as soon as I saw them getting cosy, I withdrew myself out of the conversations entirely, indirectly pushing him towards her. WHY? Because I am nothing??? I had a complete conversation that first time because I said I saw flaws in myself and I am taking on being fearless.

Second time, after I spoke with AC, whereby he implanted the seeds that J really is self centred and doesn't have a care for anyone else, I began to see her that way too. Particularly after K says she needs all these validations. 

For me, it is particularly hard to be in this situation whereby someone I have come to love, adorn, respect, look up to as my older sister for the past 8 months or more have completely dashed my adornment. Perhaps all along I have chosen to only view her in a positive light, while deliberately ignoring or pretending she doesn't have any flaws of attention seeking that others sometimes resent. Particularly in a group setting where conversations always float towards directions she wants and I just happily drift along. Like a spineless rubber tyre. 

Last night, before I left for Syd, we had dinner. It was so difficult for me. Because I had a disdain in my mind, for her, for her ways, for what she had done to me. For, the question I am still continuing to seek answer to - how can you, jie jie, hurt me this way, when you said you will always be here for me and be the shoulder that I can cry on? 

I know no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. But the scary thing is, as I pressed for that answer, it sounds like if the thing was to happen all over again, the same thing would have happened again. So clearly being drunk or not does not make the slightest difference. 

Which brings me to my sydney trip. With hugs always come thunders. had a tempestuous 2 hours with parents in teh shop whereby they expressed their strong disappointment that I have gained so much weight. I was putting up a weak and pathetic defence that I only focus on one thing at a time and as such was sacrificing my health and weight. Mum wouldn't have any of my bs and just told me flat to my face that making money doesn't make her happy. She is at her happiest when I lose weight and look decent and presentable. 

Mahesh very magically posts something about disappointment and expectations. "disappointment comes when we have expectation. Expectation cannot accept what is and expect what it should be. There is no one else to blame except ourselves when we are disappointed. Better it is to accept than to expect.

Disappointment = expectation / reality

1. manage your own expectations
2. learn to accept than to expect

Inhale, breathe in acceptance and
exhale, let go of expectations

Due to my own past, I have very strong desire to have someone there I can rely on, I can count on, I can trust. And due to the past interactions over the 8 months I have come to trust and lean on her a lot, and as a result I have that expectation of her doing what she said she was going to do and for me. But who is to blame for that expectation? There is no one else to blame except myself. I should better manage my own expectations and to accept than to expect. 

Give up that need to have people to rely on. Accept that things happen then they happen. Why do I need to have all these expectations? Believe that I have my parents who love me so deeply. The louder and the more tempestuous complaints they have against me, the more they love me.

They can keep on saying they are disappointed and nag, but I will not see it as nag, but relish how deeply loved I am by them.

#1 - if there are people with whom you haven't gotten complete, get complete with at least one other person. Practice recreating what they say as an access to getting complete.
- invent a new possibility for yourself in that relationship that is a victory over the past and enroll that person in your having gotten that possibility
- enroll at least one other person in your having gotten the new possibility you have invented for yourself and your life

#2 - notice how much you do not accept the people in your life; how many stories you have about them. write down what you notice.

#3 - with at least one person, take action to make a difference with them
- make a diff with many more than one person, be unreasonable
- for many of you, the form of making a difference will be to share yourself and invite people to our next session
- whatever your expression is, your assignment is to make a difference with at least one person, or fail to make a difference with someone

What i learned from relationship seminar on mon night. quite useful and perhaps food for thoguht for you too

in terms of being self expressed and completions, the #1 formula is 

1. giving up my point of view

2. share my inauthenticity w the other party - ie what have i been inauthentic about w him / her

3. do it in the context of generating and expressing love/partnership/romance, ie what it is you are committed to creating w him

4. don't do the conversation like dumping all you want to say onto him, but have it as a genuine conversation where you open up, which can also encourage him to do the same.