Martyr

i give in to my feelings a lot, shows on my face if i don't put up with something
always look for what's wrong with me and what to fix
people just want to vent, so let them! then create the possibility with them
want it bad enough to really show it

you are not a martyr

 

THIS IS IT

Dear ILs & ILPers...

So it's about 2.40am and my mind is deliriously happy. Sunday morning was but 43 hours ago, but it feels like a century away already. Because the me from Sunday morning, and the me now, there's about a world apart. and I want to share with you.

Just by participating in the 10km stan chart race, I got the BIGGEST breakthrough of my life. I am so happy with this stupid grin on my face.
At about 2km, usually a difficult point for me, there were people standing on overhead bridge cheering for us. For that moment as I ran past I felt so proud. My brain flashing a funny image, when I was 12yo, and chubby kid as I always have been, the imagery of me limping behind my father, with a rope tied one end to my waist, and the other end to his, huffing and puffing and feeling barely alive after a few laps, to now, actually attempting a 10km. Yes that's right! 10KM! Easy for others, but for me to be an actual runner it would have been unfathomable previously.

Along the way, I was constantly comparing myself mentally to fit girls, you know, the ones with pretty, lean muscles. In those super fancy and colorful sports gears I'd never dream of wearing. I even mentally pegged myself to this tall leggy blondie, thinking I will keep my pace to hers. I did, for about 2km til I lost her to the crowd at the water stop. And when every so often I run past some thin girls who were walking, I just felt great.

Then at about 6km, something happened.

Along the way I was really touched and inspired by visually impaired youths running, holding onto guiding runners, on the side lane. Or an old man, running by himself, grasping his bird cage, with his pets inside. Or the adorable couple, in wedding gown and tux, leaping vivaciously and full of joy, with their hands tightly held.

As I ran, words on the back of people wearing Standard Chartered tee shirts kept on flashing across my eyes. "Run for a reason". All of the people I saw ran for a reason, to express themselves that "they can", or express their love, either for each other or their pets.

But what was I doing?? That very moment, the lightning bolt struck.

THROUGHOUT THIS RACE, ALL I HAVE BEEN DOING IS COMPARING MYSELF TO 'FIT PEOPLE' So i can prove that me, as the 'chubby / unfit person', can ALSO do what OTHERS DO. But who the **** really cares?

TALL
SHORT
FAT
THIN...

Nobody really cares what you look like, everyone is too busy running their own race. All that really matters is you run, and finish the darn run! That moment, everything became so clear.

For the past month, I have led 4 introductions, even one the day before the race. And I was so frustrated when John or others keep on asking me 'what's missing'. To which I was always a bit annoyed cos I didn't know. But during that lightning strike moment, everything was so clear.

ALL MY LIFE, I HAVE ONLY BEEN FOCUSING ON MYSELF, TO PROVE MYSELF. COS GOD KNOWS, I DIDN'T LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH. BECAUSE I HAVE FELT INFERIOR FOR ALL MY LIFE, because of my body image issue and low self esteem as a kid. I lived in this this story that 'I'm not like other girls' because I couldn't be girly, skinny, obedient like 'other girls'. As a result, I have always acted bold, outspoken, cos I desperately wanted to be 'different to other girls'. So I always tried hard to be not shy, be a good public speaker or entertainer, class clown, be bold, 'cos i'm not like other girls'. All this time i've been leading, I was out there for a lot of the time, but i now see that my being was still ultimately about proving myself to be 'not inferior'.

But who's really been judging me? No one but myself!!

As I found over the past 5 months 3 weeks and 1 day, I have a HUGE heart (^ ^), a BIG stand for people and REAL desire to contribute to others. But my identity of proving i am 'not inferior' has been constantly battling with the real me. Now that I am going to lead again, I will really make this be about them, not about myself, or proving i'm not inferior.

Finally, I saw this biggest blind spot of my life so far yet, and choose to give it up. Even as I type this now, tired with my eye lids about to shut, I am so excited for my new found freedom and soooooo excited to share with you!

I really want to thank all of you and share with you how excited i am to GET THE REAL ME OUT THERE, and prevail over that identity of 'i am not inferior' cos i am definitely good enough to make a difference to other people!

Without further adieu, the whatso is - I AM LEADING TONIGHT, TUESDAY 26 FEB 7.30PM IN HUNG HOM (FRANK'S PLACE).

I am going to make a difference to the people that are important to you.

I am going to lead like I am sharing my life with my best friend. AND...

I am going to lead like it is the LAST TIME I AM EVER GOING TO LEAD.

Cos the truth is, I have been an arrogant jerk since Day 1 of ILP, confident that I 'would eventually become an IL, somehow, but eventually'. Taking this precious privilege for granted. That, I now see, simply does not work.
And it won't.
Because only the humble, committed and those who pour their heart and soul out, I mean OUT, EVERY LAST DROP OF IT, deserve to lead. So now, I accept the real and distinct possibility that I don't deserve to be an IL if I am not who I am committed to be who I said I will be. That is the consequence to bear for not going beyond. It's painful, but I'm willing to take it if I can't make your guests see what is possible for themselves or make a difference to them.

So, tonight, I really promise to GIVE IT MY ALL. My all, and then whatever the result, I will be content and at peace with whatever difference I have made to those important to you. And whatever result I get. IS. PERFECT. (yes, John, Hartly, and all of you ILs, annoyed as I am everytime this word comes up, it is damn true. LOL)

So I request that you play with me, for me and bring guests. For I have gotten so much from Landmark, I have so much to share. HECK, I am DYING TO SHARE!!

Marvellous Marion is my Candidation Manager. If there is someone you want to bring, please kindly let her know. (cc'd)

Last but not least, may I request that you please also play for my fantastic classmate Chris Tam, the guy is simply amazing and committed to making a difference to people. He is also holding an introduction on Tuesday at 7.30pm and Jim is the CM (both are cc'd).

ILP 18, Four days to go? WOW this is soooooooo exciting!!! CAN YOU FEEL YOUR ALIVENESS!!!

WITH SO MUCH LOVE, PLUS A BIG HUG, QY "CHUCKLES" STYLE,

QY

The thing about abundance and falling in and out

B came over to cut my hair on V Day! LOL
To be honest initially I was a bit sceptical cos she never had training as a hairdresser (for god's sake she's a ex banker who should theoretically, only know how to make $ haha). But the effect was awesome. What's more, she brought me a major breakthrough that I felt so loved and cared for afterwards. Being unblinded.

Ever since Dali I have been falling in and out of my head about the story of "I can't". Dali trip was awesome where the level of authenticity w T has just risen to a level I've never had with anybody. She really told me what's what and cleared me of my internal dialogues and thoughts of dissatisfaction about "how come i don't get this and that" out of ILP etc. On the trip I got present to the fact that I haven't been getting results because I haven't been taking actions! T got results because she bloody took a lot of actions! Instead of following suit I've been procrastinating and whining about why people don't 'give me' and make things fall in my lap.

The possibility I want to create is to
1) ST - double my income by next year this time
2) ST - start my own coaching business
3) MT - build an eco-tourism boutique hotel in Yunnan, China that promotes Chinese culture and history
4) Very LT - build 5 schools and hospitals in China

What B got me present to was how much love and care I gotten from other people and how I love making other people wrong to affirm my story that people are inherently not there for me and that I play alone. As B told me about how she always had the story that she firmly believed people will help her in her life, I never had that similar feeling. In fact if people actually help me I feel 1) awkward 2) doubtful 3) don't think it'll be any better than if I do it myself

When she bursted into tears telling me she cancelled her painting class to be my RC on the first night. I really felt like an a$$hole cos that night my little brain had the story that she was not fully with the guest etc. But she is who she is and what happened is what happened. I don't need to make it to mean anything really. I was so not present!!!

This is a repetitive pattern! All my life i've been judging how people are not there for me and then think to myself why i'm not as happy or am 'darker' than other people. Or not as happy as T! Now I understand! I just need to give up the story of people not there for me and be present to the love and contribution I'm getting from others! It really will be awesome!

What's important for me is how to regenerate myself everytime I feel disempowered and recognise that it's okay, get off it and move on!

Out of body experience

Led my second candidation intro yesterday, this time in the office. It's amazing and almost had an out of body experience where I was speaking to a guest that Angela brought in from the street. I was with this Nigerian gentleman for so long and was so committed to creating his possibility that I was touched, moved and inspired by myself that I bursted out crying when I was enrolling him. Cos I was so sad that he couldn't see his possibility, which was to be an elected politician and make a difference in his community and help secure his family's financial future in the mean time.

The Hart and the Heart

In class yday T suddenly said she will also run for candidation on thur, my immediate reaction was it's not fair, not really because of whether she will compete for guests, but the fact that H offered to be her IL. H means the world to me so my initial reaction was flabbergasted. Then after a long clearing I realized I have been in a mental slump since I came off that diet. Maybe inherently I felt like nothing works, not even this damn diet and as a result everything spiraled out of control subsequently. H asked me to do a

Painful weekend

Feels like another one of those torturous weekend where I managed to not see any of my friends and worked til very late because of procrastination.

Chat to G reveals that I feel a loss of power because I don't give enough time to anything I'm meant to do. As a result when I try to pack everything in as I cram, I set myself up for failure. So immensely frustrating. Because the inevitable failure just affirms my own story that I can't be a success. But even Einstein can't do the job in the amount of time I've given myself. As a result I am bracketing the angst Today and do the best I can on this preso today. Focus and be present. God knows I haven't been present at all over the past few days, since thur in fact.